Tuesday, August 30, 2011

And We're Off....

Class started last Wednesday, but nothing was really going on except some readings because both instructors were out of town. That's kind of a misnomer because this is an Internet-based program, but essentially, because they are out of town, they don't have time to engage fully in the course (all that stuff professors/teachers do that we don't see, like prepping and grading and meetings etc.).

So I'm of two minds right now:

1. Overwhelmed

2. Not really liking the Internet-based format.

Uh, yeah.

Maybe I'm getting old because I like to read things on paper and then mark them up. I went to print out a reading and it is 47 pages. Ouch! My printer eats ink like I (used) to eat donuts, so I jealously guard what it is I print--it needs to be really important. I like to write on paper because then I have a visual as well as a kinetic memory of whatever it is I'm trying to remember, because my memory sucks. It sucks so badly that it frightens me.

Evidently quite a bit of this program is collaborative, i.e., what in undergrad they call "group work."  I hate group work. I know a lot of people hate group work, but I really hate it. Not just because the bulk of "my group" never does their share, but because I am a solitary person. I like being alone. In fact, I'm happy being alone. I have few close friends, and a lot of acquaintances. I am not only a person with trust issues, but I just like being alone. I don't like collaborating. I like working alone. I don't want to be part of anyone's rah rah fucking team. Part of the reason I wasn't successful at either Tupperware sales (love Tupperware) or MaryKay sales (which I also love). I'm not a Kool-aid sucker, and I have trouble faking it when I'm supposed to be happy with something that doesn't actually make me happy. I'm a skeptic, a cynic, and not a joiner.  Of course, it is easier to fake appreciation or courtesy on the net--especially if I think over what it is I want to say first. So I don't, you know, put my foot in my mouth.

I feel overwhelmed because there's all this fucking technology--which I like--but it seems like I'm having trouble finding my way around--why? Because I can't remember where I'm supposed to be. It takes me a couple of bookmark clicks before I find where I need to be, sometimes. And that frustrates me and pisses me off.

But here's the thing:  I've already accepted the student loans, including the large refund (which was part of my plan to support us/myself if I hadn't found a job). Well, my dream job has appeared on the horizon, and work has picked up. A lot. That is what I want to do. The MA program was more of a "just in case / holy shit I have no actual skills / I'm not doing anything else / I can get some loans."

But I feel committed for the semester. I feel I owe it to myself, my peers, and the program to make a sincere effort for this semester, at the minimum.  It's already become fairly clear that I'm an idiot (see previous posts), I just hate for it to get any worse (because it will. Oh yes, it will.)

So I guess I'm just here whining and complaining and kvetching and procrastinating when I should be doing some schoolwork. *sigh*

I'm off to read some PDF files. *rolleyes* As if I weren't already blind.

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