Friday, I Totally Lost My Shit

My husband is...difficult. He is on the autism spectrum. Knowing that does not make it any easier to interact with him. Last Friday I completely lost my mind I was so frustrated with him. I was so angry and pushed so far, one more time, that I could have put my fist through the car window, but I didn't.

This is how it went down. I sent him a link to a house I wanted to look at to consider renting. As I walked by the dining room, I see a picture of the house I wanted him to look at on his computer screen. The next day, while on the way to what I think is the house in the link I sent, it turns out He never even opened the link.

While we're tooling down the freeway through the mountains on my way to a doctor appointment, I ask my husband about where we're going after that.

"So do you know how to get to that house on X Street?"

"What house on X Street?"

"I sent you the link."

"I couldn't find it."

"What do you mean? Was the link broken?"

"I thought I could find it on Craigslist."

"That's why I sent you the link."

"Well, I thought I could find it. It wasn't under ABC city housing."

"That's because it was on JKL city housing. Why didn't you just click on the link? Wouldn't that have been easier?"

"I looked for it but I couldn't find it!"

"That's why I sent you the link."

"I thought I could find it under housing for ABC city."

"So do you not click on links I send you? Or just this one?"

"No, I thought I could find it!"

Now he's shouting at me.

"If you're going to yell at me, just pull over and let me out at the next (freeway) exit."

"I told you I couldn't find it!"

"But I sent you the link straight to it--you didn't have to search for it. I don't understand. So if you didn't look at the link, where the hell are we going, now?"

"We're going to 123 location."

"What? I don't even know where that is. You didn't mention it to me."

"Yes, I did. The blue house."

"What blue house?"

And so on until I'm ready to get out of the car and start walking. In the mountains. Which have snow on them.

Finally, screaming, I throw my travel mug of coffee at the dash and splattered us both with hot coffee.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" I screamed!!! :Pull over! Let me out! I can't take it any more!! I swear to G*D, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who doesn't even speak English!! I tell you things and you ignore them or assume you know better!!!!"

"It's just a goddamn link...."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!! NO!! This is my life, every five minutes!! I have to explain and explain and explain over and over and over again!! I can't take it anymmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!"

And then quiet.

"I'm done. I can't live with you any longer. I can't take it."

So my marriage is falling apart. It's been falling for a while, I just haven't had the money to get away. I still don't. If I did, I would be gone, already.

He's not a bad man. He genuinely, with all his heart, loves me. And I love him. He's kind, not judgemental, interesting, and fun when we go places and do things together. But living with him is a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. But how do I get away? I have no savings, no assets, hell, I don't even have a car that runs. I'm trapped.

Lord help me.

I spent a large portion of yesterday considering if I should go to the ER and turn myself in because I was suicidal. I can't live this way anymore.