Sadness

This weekend was difficult. We're completely broke, we had no money to do anything, or even go anywhere, because we had no gas to put in the car. So I sat in front of my computer and later my Kindle as I sat through a blizzard of The Walking Dead episodes. I watched two season in 2 1/2 days. Season 3 is not free, so I'll have to wait to see that.

And as I sat here, like a prisoner waiting for their release date, memories came flooding back to me. Bad memories. Things I'd forgotten about, intentionally. And I cried more than once. My life has had a lot of bad times, scary times, things have happened based on stupidity, dumb luck, cruelty, and often just the randomness of the universe. And I am a very emotional person. Things bother me and hurt me that don't bother or hurt the average person. I spend a lot of my time being angry because that keeps the hurt away, locked up, closed down. Anger keeps me from completely collapsing.

This is no way to live. I started planning my death. There's a lot of things to think about if you are going to check out. Family. Friends. Pets. Wills. Who finds the body? Would I rot and smell? I hear most bodies evacuate themselves (think orifices) when the body dies. That sounds kind of disgusting. Then death arrangements. I want to be cremated. I absolutely do not want to be embalmed, put in a box, and buried. No. Absolutely not. There's a lot of things to think about if you're going to die.

I'd like to see Christmas one more time. This last one sucked so badly that I'm trying to block that memory out. I'd like to have a real Christmas--gifts, baking, lights, ornaments, visiting family and friends (if I had any). Maybe that's a dream, too.

I'm a miserable sad person, and it's getting harder and harder for me to give a shit about anything.