Today is Sucking

So of course I'm dropping out of grad school.  The truth is, I just can't cope with the format. It works for other people, but not for me. I'm just not capable. (And my job is keeping me busy.)

And the events of today have only driven home to me how particularly unusual my brain acts, and how I always--yes, always--fuck up.

The book I formatted for the big name author in July/August? It's fucked up. Of course. I checked it, and checked it, and rechecked it and checked it again before uploading it to Amazon. I must have 30 versions of this novel. And I didn't see it at all.

I tried downloading the item to my Kindle because the buyer who reported the error gave the location number, which is not a page number, and can't be searched for in Word. So rather than scan a 500 page novel for the error, I tried, for hours. I mean hours, using different programs, Mobi/Calibre/Adobe, to get the book transferred to my Kindle so I could find the section with the error. It would not work. Then I got an error message about my "device."  So it's possible the Kindle itself has a problem or is kaput. So I bought a copy of the book. Fuck it. It was less than $8-. I found the error.

Now I'm trying to figure out exactly what is there and shouldn't be; and what should be but isn't. So I tried printing out the original chapter from the author (who had an individual file for each chapter, and is the root of this problem--they all have to be combined into one document. Easier said than done.)

Well, my printer decided not to work. I tried all the tricks--turning it off, unplugging it, canceling the document queue requests--and my computer was not responsive. It's like...it's like it was busy doing something else. I downloaded so much shit for school, I think I ate up most of the memory--so that stuff has to come off.

Then a lightbulb in my desk lamp blew. WTF?

So I closed everything down--cold boot. And restarted it, and it started printing. Hallelujah. Then it rain out of paper--huh--I'm only printing chapter II, how many pages could it be? So I put more paper in. And now I'm looking through it, and I'm not sure how this happened, but it's printed on two sides.  ???  I did not ask it to do that, nor did I insert any already printed sheets to print on the back side.  It's useless to me because they are not page numbered (not allowed in e-documents).

I'm on my third crying jag of the afternoon / evening. I don't cry easy. In fact, I would really like to sob, but nothing but soft tears are coming from my eyes.

What am I to do?

What does someone who fucks up everything they do, do for a living? Because I'm sure if I got a job making French fries, I'd manage to find a way to fuck that up, too.

So I'll be sitting here most of the night, trying to figure this shit out and get it fixed ASAP (HA!) so the author knows he can count on us.

What will the fallout of this be re:  my continuing employment? I don't know. But I wonder every day when they're going to figure out what a fuck-up I am and tell me buy bye, or just quietly, silently stop offering me work.

I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being honest. This is my life. I am not good or capable at...anything.

***LATER***


I remember a dinner with my dad and his wife. I was over 40, for sure, and my stepmother said, "I don't believe in ADD."  I wanted to smash her face in, but my dad is overprotective of her. My first thought was to retort, "Really? I didn't know you had a degree in neurochemistry. Where did you go to college?"  But I bit. my. tongue. But it still burns. I think the whole reason that I brought it up was that I had been tested for it recently and was still found to be on the spectrum for ADD, even though I was an adult. It doesn't totally go away, not by a long shot, not for everyone.

So anyways....I got the book all fixed up, ran it through the Kindle conversion program, and it changed the font from Chapter 3 forward to a different font. WTF? I checked the original document, and it was all one font. Technology is totally fucking with me today.

So I stepped away, went out for Mexican food, had two margaritas, and went drunk shopping at Wal-Mart while I sobered up before driving home. *hic*  I bought some really nice sheets I've wanted for a while.

So I'm going to try to convert the mutherfucker one. more. time. before getting into bed with MY Kindle and the new Michael Connelly, THE REVERSAL.

The self-flagellation will continue on the morrow.