Trying to Choose

For the last week or ten days or so, I've been trying to figure out if I want to continue with grad school. I went to bed last night with this thought on my mind--do I stay or do I go?  A religious person might call it a prayer, but I was hoping I might have a dream about it--our subconscious is very powerful--or I would wake up with the decision made or a prayer answered.

And....nothing.

I woke up just as confused, just as lost, just as frustrated and tearful, and just as undecided as I've been the last ten days. I cannot decide.

CON: I hate to 'quit' things. It makes me feel incapable, unable, and stupid.

PRO:  It's not like I took someone's place--there are only 16 people in the program which is designed for 35.

CON:  I'll have to pay the student loan back. Not to the lender, but to the school, and they'll want it very quickly.

PRO:  My new job is a job I've dreamt of having all my life, and the quantity of work has expanded, will continue to expand, and I may find myself trying to figure out how to manage multiple projects very soon. I love the work, I love what I do, and doing it was my goal as an undergrad. I would gladly work 12 hours a day doing what I love.

CON:  I signed up for grad school as a "backup" program because I was unable to find work in the arena I had trained for. Also, I think I misunderstood what the program was about. I think I was hoping more for C than A--and there is a difference.

PRO:  I like most of my classmates.

CON:  Even though I'm Internet savvy, I've worked from home, I've worked for an ISP, I am the one who sets up all our technology in our home when it's new or we move, but I'm lost with this software. I'm lost. I'm lost. I am having difficulty finding my way around the primary programs that we use to engage in the courses. I actually had the two classes and their professors mixed up until this past Sunday, and therefore the classes themselves were mixed up in my mind.

EXAMPLE:  I was trying to catch up on material yesterday--one was a lecture that was an mp3 and had a slide lecture to go along with it. The pages where the slides were displayed only ever show 1/3 of the page, AND the slides were presented sideways. They were virtually unreadable. However, having made it clear already that I need help and easily whine and complain (I feel that's how they view me in class), I didn't want to bring this up because if there is another way to do it, I can't bear to out myself again as an idiot.

PRO:  I want the degree to hang on my while for vanity reasons in addition to increased employment possibilities.

CON:  I am having difficulty keeping up with the coursework. I find it confusing, dull, and my ADD-wired brain, if it finds something confusing or dull, will try to point my attention anywhere but what it is I'm trying to focus on:  Lint on my shirt; a wilty plant; a coffee stain on my desktop; my pen that is unclicked/clicked and should be the opposite; a dirty Kleenex that needs to go in the garbage; my flashing BlackBerry (I've started turning it over so it won't distract me); the way my feet are on both carpet and a plastic chair mat, and I really need to move the mat up so my feet are on just mat; is it time to eat, yet?; I wonder if the mail came?: boy, that one nail really needs filing *pickpickpick*;  I could go on and on, but hopefully I've dramatically illustrated what ADD aversion is like. I'm trying to focus, but my brain is fighting with me.

PRO: The sense of satisfaction and pride that comes with completing a long and arduous task.

CON:  I was asking one of my professors for guidance and part of her reply was, "well, this is a graduate level course..."  Ouch.  She schooled me. Huh.

CON:  I spoke to my husband about it this past weekend, and he was less than supportive. Indeed, he may as well have just said, "snap out of it!"  Not helpful.

PRO:  I could return my $100- textbook and get a refund.

CON:  My memory. I rarely remember anything I read--I review my notes that I've taken, and they don't make sense to me because I don't remember writing them. I'm struggling with my failing memory and brain--they just don't work they way they once worked, and all the complaining in the world won't make it better. It's painful, it hurts to admit, but it's the truth. I feel like I'm getting less smart. I am struggling with my increasing mediocrity.

CON:  This program is a science, and not a creative venture, and my mind leans toward the humanities and creating.

PRO/CON: Who would I be letting down by stepping away from the program? Me, certainly. Anyone else? Not really. I'll have to deal with the fallout/feelings/guilt/shame on my own. 

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who would that be? Do I write my advisor? What do I do?

I "talked" (texted) one of my oldest friends the other night, and she was much more optimistic about my brain and school acumen than I was--and she was helpful and supportive, but essentially, she can't decide for me. I can take all the opinion polls of friends and family-members in the world, but ultimately it's me who decides what is right for me. But I don't know what that is.

I'm lost.