Lesson Learned

I am not a businesswoman. I am no good at that type of thing, which helps explain why my net worth is closer to zero than a million. I'm the artsy creative analytical type. But my learning curve is short. For example:

When I was negotiating a book contract for the author who I wrote about in the last post (and busted my hump for), and I asked the publishers, i.e., my bosses, if we would accept payments for this author. What I didn't think about was that that meant I would be paid in payments. I don't know what I was thinking, but it was something along the lines of "the publisher will pay me the full amount when the work is delivered, and they will accept the payments."

And I'm a gullible and naive nincompoop for assuming that and not asking. So for the last three months, I have been receiving payments of $200- a month. That pays my cell phone service and cable bill. Last month, by November 30th, I had not received even that. Not even an email or a phone call or a text (from the same author who likes to text at 8am on Sunday, midnight whenever, and expect me to drop everything I'm doing and meet her demands--and which I generally did [if I was awake.]).

I emailed my "boss" and asked her if they were still making payments or if something had changed? She told me to ask the author. So I did. At the last meeting I had with the author and their spouse in early November, they discussed with me in depth how they were trying to get financial backing for the book from a close family friend who would then get a share of royalties. So I emailed and asked if a payment was forthcoming or had something changed?

They had forgotten. They were sorry. They then drove over to my boss' house and dropped off a check that night. I then received my portion (90% of total) from my "boss" (really a friend more than a boss, although technically she is my boss and yay), from our publishing bank account at the author's book launch party on Dec. 3.

Now it is December 20th. No check has arrived. I'm concerned that I am going to have to chase them down every %(#&ing month for the monies I am contractually owed. I am still due about $2,000. If they continue at $200- a month, that will take ten more months.

*sigh*

So here is where the lesson is learned. I will never, ever accept payments again. Either you can afford our editorial services, or you can't. Yes, our goal is to get great authors published who normally might not (we don't accept every ms submitted to us--believe me--I've seen a few doozies. Wow. Awful.), but I also am doing this in an attempt to make a living.

I enjoy what I'm doing, I like working at home in my own time frame and in my pajamas, bathrobe, clothes, or whatever I feel like; the pay is good (when I get paid), but clearly I'm going to have to pay attention to more of the business side in this position. I have no one to point the finger at except myself. When this author, or any future author, wants to hire me for services, "NO, I won't take payments" is going to be in my lexicon. I'm sorry. Yes, I would love to see you published. Yes, you can even learn to format an e-book yourself (plenty have), but if you want a polished, clean book? One you won't be embarrassed to put up for sale? Hire an editor. I'm an editor and I had two other people review my resume. The writer spends so much time with their writing, that they no longer see it the way an anonymous reader would. The editor's job is to make sure that the anonymous reader understands what it is you're trying to say. After donut-eating, making someone else's writing better is my greatest skill and love. But I'm not a volunteer.

Lesson learned.

Tempus Fugit: Fuggettaboutit

What a wild, wild, wild, ridiculously busy week this past week was.

I've been working with four authors since about, oh, late September. I've been juggling and balancing and holding hands, and pat-pat, there-there-ing to beat the band (I never realized how much hand-holding was involved in editing. It's quite a bit, evidently.), I'm better at it some times than others (like when something isn't communicated to me and then the other person is surprised by my lack of action? you know, like that.)*ahem*.

One of the authors I just adore--we are totally different types of people, have completely opposing worldviews (which I did not make them aware of *ahem*), but they are a lovely, lovely, generous, compassionate, funny person whose company I enjoy. And they've written quite a novel. Nearly 500 pages. Book I of a trilogy.

I'd been mailing their edits done on paper after printing them out (50 pages at a time), because they weren't comfortable using track changes, the standard editing model/tool for the e-information age.

I finally got the rewrite emailed to me last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. We had had a long conversation about prepping for e-publication, all the steps necessary, how the window of opportunity for Christmas launch was teeny-tiny and I just didn't see how it would work--I had the author convinced to launch on Valentine's Day--post holiday holy-crap-how-much-did-I-spend-Christmas-blues would be abating, and a new holiday was a time to celebrate. Author thought that was an awesome idea.

The next day, I got an invitation to the book launch party scheduled for Saturday, Dec. 3. That gave me less than 7 days to proofread, eformat, and upload a 500 page novel.

Fuck me, but I got it done. I started on Sunday but only got about 30 pages done (that's my TV show night! Priorities!), my husband left early Monday morning to go to work, and I got up and spent 12 hours proofreading--four days in a row. I slept, I worked, I ate, periodically, I spent two hours on Wednesday evening taking out "and then..." from the narrative and replacing it with different words while I texted with a friend in Southern California.

Meanwhile, author and spousal unit are hounding me to finish so they can print a copy (why, they never tell me); I communicate to them that I need to finish the proofreading. They reply, "I said it was "OK" to publish as is." Uh, no. Just because you're paying for my services doesn't mean you get to decide what the final product should look like--my name is in there (in the acknowledgments), and my company's imprint and logo are on the book. We have reputations to protect, and the whole integrity thing. Just sayin'. They were a little surprised by my firmness in not just submitting what I was given (comma splice, comma splice, verb/subject coordination prob, using wikipedia as a fact source *naughtynaughty*), but just because it's "Your Book" doesn't mean you get to decide. Try to pull that shit on a New York publisher. Ha ha ha ha ha.

So anyways, Thursday night, Friday am really, at 2:30 I got that son-of-a-bitch uploaded on all the major e-book retailers. I would've liked to have spent more time with the book, proofreading it a second time, but honestly? I wasn't paid to do that, and I'd already gone over my estimated hours by 44 (which I won't get paid for--we don't charge over the estimate), but it feels great to have the fucker done and off my back. I have two more authors that need my attention (one I'm simply awaiting rewrites), and I told my boss send more work my way or if she needed help. She said she did. If this particular author wants a print version, and they want me to handle it? New contract, more billable hours.

Maybe for Valentine's Day? ;-)

***

1/2/12

OMG. This same author just e-mailed me for marketing help. I'm not contractually obligated to provide her any marketing assistance, but I wrote her a long email with suggestions of things she could do, even offered to set up a blog for her, tape a video for her to put on her website, blog, and author pages at Amazon and so forth, and then referred her to our publishers for further assistance, and I get this back from the author: OK. Thanks Jewels.

Seriously? WTF? I think she thinks she's written a bestseller and she would be able to quit her shitty job. Uh...no. Amanda Hocking was a fluke, and she had a great book. Un-fucking-believable.

Just Sayin'....

Lack of planning (and ignoring professional advice) on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

*rollingeyes*


Yes, I'll be back as soon as I'm "caught up" *ahem* on work.

Far From Luck by Charles O'Hay

I'm delighted to announce the release of my first fully produced and edited book, Far From Luck by the fabulous poet, Charles O'Hay.

Here is a video of him reading three of the poems from FFL. Every one a gem. If you don't have a copy, but would like one, you can get a paperback at Amazon.com, or as an ebook for Kindle; Smashwords for various ereader formats including iPad; and BarnesandNoble.com for Nook. 



And this also. (You may need headphones to hear it properly.) Photos are from his just released poetry collection, Far From Luck.

Work. Lots and Lots of Work.

Which hasn't left me much time for blogging. Plus, I'm reevaluating my presence on the Internet. I'm not one who ever desired to be famous or in the news; indeed, I'd always felt that if I somehow managed to pull off, say, a bestselling novel, I would be my generation's J.D. Salinger, a noted recluse. So, that's been on my mind.

And authors. Lots and lots of authors. I just closed a deal today for a client in New Zealand, and I'm close to closing another deal with an author in Southern California--the contract needs to be tweaked a bit to meet their specifications (the publisher is handling that); a favorite author/poet of mine and who I have been editing and producing his ebook and now his print on demand (i.e., paper) book is going to launch, *fingerscrossed* this weekend;  and lastly, an author I've been hand-holding and trying to close a deal on for about a month or so stood me up for a meeting, yesterday, and that we had only planned the night previous, saying they "had been at the dentist and forgot. I'm so sorry." I had gotten cleaned up and dressed and drove to the coffee shop on four hours of sleep--I didn't want to go, but I did.

Huh. Not cool.

This author was already on a "mail only" program after previous shenanigans, but after my priority mail envelope to her came back to me because I did not have the right apartment number (think 905 vs. 9055, and yeah, the dumbass post office did send it back to me), and she was feeling anxious about the edits (she didn't want her document edited in Word using track changes--she wants them on paper, which I'm fine with, but takes longer). She tried to get me to meet her husband at 8:45 this morning, but I was firm that I would mail it and that it was no big deal for me to do.  Needless to say, her project is not #1 on my list of things to work on.

I wake up in the morning, and I have a life to get up to. I usually leave myself a list or work stacked up on my desk so that when I do wake up, bleary-eyed and dazed (I've been like that all my life) and so I won't get sucked into reading every fucking blog or news site on the Internet, but limit that for later in the day.

And coffee. Lots of coffee.

I could  never do this if I were in school. I rarely even think about it.

I'm learning new technologies and programs almost on a daily basis. And I'm either discovering these technologies and / or teaching them to myself. It's exhilarating. The days go by very quickly. I'm doing something I love, even when it's frustrating. Finally.

Well, That Was Nice

I did get an email from my advisor late last night, but just read it today. She was very kind, and said she was sorry to see me go, but understood that if I had found my dream job in this economy I should grab it. She also addressed my difficulty with the online program--she said it just does not work for some people. The professors had indicated that our cohort was "exceptional," so they're sorry to lose me.

I wish I could be as exceptional as they "thought" I was. I just don't have it in me. I felt like I was trapped in one of those snow globes, and it had been shaken, and information was raining down on me from every direction, swirling around my head, and me, unable to take in any of the information. That's how I felt.

I'm happy with the direction things are going with my life, however. My anxiety level has slowly gone down this week, mostly because big name author is not upset and I still have a job. I've said it other places and to other people--I'm an easy frazzle. I frazzle easily and quickly. I know that about myself.  I cannot work and go to school--as I've aged, and my health as deteriorated, I cannot work and go to school. My body and my psyche just can't handle it. I thought this time I would figure it out as I went. HA!

Just going forward from here on. Nothing else I can do. Feeling good about the choices I've made.

***

Response to comment from HD (for some reason, I cannot leave comments on my own blog. Urgh!)

I was just consistently lost--I didn't feel engaged or a part of something, which is odd because I have taken online classes before, but only one at a time--not a whole program. And the online classroom environments were clunky and difficult to maneuver in, and I screwed up regularly. Really rough on the ol' self-esteem.

I wanted it so much, I didn't really think about the logistics as much. I just thought it would be "fine." 

WRONG.

I don't know if I'll ever go for an advanced degree. I was in school one way or another for 27 years--not including high school--and I think I might actually be tired of school. Imagine that. *snort*

Thanks for letting me make up my own mind.

XO

Just Browsing?

Before I get to today's blog post topic, the big name author was TOTALLY understanding about the problems with the formatting of his ebook. *huge exhale*  He's a college professor who teaches, well, one of those "out there" sciences at a major university, and is smarter than five regular people put together, and gets that this is a new technology and that there are going to be glitches sometimes. Hallelujah, i.e., I'm not in trouble. *whew*

So on to today's blog post.

I've been "wooing" a new author that was handed to me by one of our publishers; she thought the novel was right up my alley, and she's right. I had my fourth in-person meeting with that author yesterday, AND her husband, who has been at every meeting but one, AND who keeps trying to sell me a shake product for weight loss. *sigh* I finally just told him I couldn't afford it. And you know that at some point it would turn into "we'll trade you product for services." Uh, no.

We spoke by phone last week, and I said she and her husband should sit down, crunch the numbers, and figure out what kind of payment plan they could come up with and we would meet this week and draw up a contract. We normally don't do payments, but because this gal is local, and works for a high-profile government office, the level of trust is much higher than it would be for someone over the Internet.

I drove across town--1/4 tank of near $4- a gallon of gas worth, and this is the second time I have, the other two meetings were downtown--again, I've also bought her a lunch at a very nice restaurant. So I'm already losing money. Yes, I can write it off my taxes next year, but right now it's coming straight out of my pocket.

So I drive across town, again, yesterday and they are completely unprepared. They have not talked, they have not crunched numbers, they don't even know what editorial services they want.

???

The husband wanted to know what kind of down payment I was expecting--and we had mentioned 25% before--he wanted to know if "$50- bucks could get it started."  Uh, no. There are a few things we can bill for, but content editing is not one of them.

So, from now on, with this client, meetings are over the phone or email only until they are ready to go. It's like going car shopping without a dime in the bank. Or looking at diamonds or $300- handbags at Coach:  You tell the salesperson, "I'm just browsing." That way, no ones' time get's wasted. Or money.

For crying out loud. Lesson learned.

Sucker Punch

Today started out with a forwarded email (to me) from one of the owner's of the company I work for. It was from a well-known publishing house in the UK and they ripped, I mean, it was nasty, ripped apart the ebook we did for big name author. We already knew that somehow the formatting was screwed up. I had discovered two chapter twos--before I uploaded it for sale--and removed it and cleaned it up. The two owners and myself agreed that the level of nastiness comes from a place of fear and possibly jealousy--the publishing world is shifting, and the big publishers are not sure how they fit into this new paradigm.

We're not sure exactly how it happened. I do know this, I've known it for years and it really hit home the last few months:  Microsoft Word has a mind of its own.

It does.

Saturday, I worked on the manuscript. I inserted ~~~~ into all non-chapter breaks in the novel (by request). I did a find/search in the document to make sure that each one was centered, one space before and one after, 12 pt, not bold. (And did you know that paragraphs markers can have a font size? Me neither.)  Satisfied, I saved and renamed the document (every time I make a change, the file name gets a new number, in numerical order. It just helps to find a document and keep track.)

I finished the search, thought it looked good, then decided to scroll through the document and look at each and every page--over 500--to see if anything anomalous jumped out at me.  Guess what I found two of, left justified, not centered? Yep, the non-chapter break, ~~~~.  I had done find/search of the whole document, fixed them all, and saved it, and two of those fuckers moved themselves back to the left side of the document. That is the kind of shit that can make the average person, let alone an editor/formatter/manager, totally batshit crazy.

I also found a chapter heading that had changed its font from Times New Roman to Garamond all on its own--after I had done a ctrl/A (highlight) of the entire document and changed the font to Times New Roman and then re-sized all the chapter title fonts.

So it is possible that although I removed the duplicate chapter, it may have added itself back in. It is not outside of the realm of possibility after some of the wacky shit I've seen Word pull. Seriously.

Also, there is the possibility that although I thought I removed it, it did not get removed, and my three subsequent search/find for key words / sentences from the chapter involved only showed up once; but after it was uploaded, they were back in there. Only I didn't know. One assumes that after one saves that no further changes will be made. Well, Microsoft schooled me.

I'm still waiting for the two owners to tell me they don't need me anymore. They did major butt-smooching to the author and the person who purchased the book and complained, and then sent them a free, clean copy.

Also, I offered to have either one of them review the document before I uploaded it back in August, and they both declined. This was only my first project for the business, and they trusted me to get it right--their biggest client ever, they gave to the new gal, and then didn't review it. So there's that.  And, oh yeah, no training. A list of directions, a "have at it" attitude, and answers to my emails--mostly.

This morning, I offered to take all the blame, i.e., "fall on my sword," but the owner told me that although that made her smile, she was the project manager for the book, and she would take the responsibility.

Lastly, the other owner commented that all Word docs need to be ran through a third-party formatting program to seal in the changes, otherwise Word could go a little buck wild.  That was not in the instructions I was given--it said, "site x and site z accept Word documents just fine."  Huh.

So I've been rattled, and a nervous wreck all day. Hell, for the last few days. So much of how I want my life to look revolves around this job. My husband asked me what I would do if I were indeed canned, and I said, well, I know a helluva lot more about epublishing than I did two months ago, I can always start my own business. But I don't really want to do that. And I really like the two ladies I'm working for--they have so much they can teach me and we all have so much in common and I consider them friends as well as mentors / bosses.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

And on the other hand, my former editing professor responded today to an email I wrote him the other day, with these kind words--and he's not the kind of person who would say nice things if he doesn't mean them:

Thanks for the update—and congratulations on the new job! It sounds like a perfect fit for you. I’m so happy that you found the kind of job you wanted. It’s rare in this economy, but your perseverance paid off. I love it that you’re able to work in various phases of the publishing process, from working with authors to formatting ebooks. That takes advantage of all your skills and will keep the job interesting.

A counterbalance for the sucker punch? Almost. I just feel as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I forwarded it to the owners' just in case, you know, toot my own horn and so on.

And lastly, my grad school advisor has not written me back in response to my email to her that I was quitting. This is a woman who previously answered my emails no matter what time I sent them right away--including 4am. (She's on the east coast, so she's 3 hours before my time).

Additionally, the note I left for my classmates with my email address did not elicit one response. I thought there would be one, maybe two emails, but nothing.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, so I should take my sorry, anxious ass to bed.

It's Done

I dropped my two classes (I was never sure if they were 3 or 4 unit classes); I wrote my advisor; and I posted a farewell on one of the class discussion boards. Since the program is cohort driven, I had all the same people in both classes, so I only need to post on the one message board. I left my email if anyone wanted to stay in touch, but I'm not sure we knew each other long enough or well enough to do that, but we'll see. I'm open to anything.

The last day to "drop" was September 6, so I'm not exactly sure what the fallout will be for me, although I'm sure it won't be in my favor. I am concerned about that, but I am not overwhelmed with it. We'll see how that develops.

There is some sadness with my withdrawal from the program, but no regret. I don't see myself taking any more classes with an eye to a degree, although I certainly would take classes, and probably will, for personal or professional development. I have so many interests, that a ten lifetimes wouldn't be enough to study all the things that I want to study in depth.

As for this blog, I'm going to keep it. I like the voice I've found here, and the tone, and I love the template (murple); I'm not sure what I'll be writing about if not school, but I'll just take it one day at a time for now. I hope you'll stay with me.

Let's see where we go.

Post-Decision

I haven't really had time to think, absorb, or feel anything about my decision to drop out of grad school. My job is as a project manager / editor for a publishing company, and today I was juggling four authors and their needs. And I spent ALL day at it.

Even if I wanted to continue with school, I don't think I would have the time even if I weren't already unhappy. I spent the day tweaking and making adjustments and taking notes, emailing and phoning, formatting and uploading and editing--and I loved it.

Grad school never once crossed my mind, today.

I don't feel regret, guilt, or shame. I don't even feel like I've made a right choice, really. I just know that this other thing--work--keeps me very busy and I enjoy doing it.

Simple as that.

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." -- Steve Jobs

Today is Sucking

So of course I'm dropping out of grad school.  The truth is, I just can't cope with the format. It works for other people, but not for me. I'm just not capable. (And my job is keeping me busy.)

And the events of today have only driven home to me how particularly unusual my brain acts, and how I always--yes, always--fuck up.

The book I formatted for the big name author in July/August? It's fucked up. Of course. I checked it, and checked it, and rechecked it and checked it again before uploading it to Amazon. I must have 30 versions of this novel. And I didn't see it at all.

I tried downloading the item to my Kindle because the buyer who reported the error gave the location number, which is not a page number, and can't be searched for in Word. So rather than scan a 500 page novel for the error, I tried, for hours. I mean hours, using different programs, Mobi/Calibre/Adobe, to get the book transferred to my Kindle so I could find the section with the error. It would not work. Then I got an error message about my "device."  So it's possible the Kindle itself has a problem or is kaput. So I bought a copy of the book. Fuck it. It was less than $8-. I found the error.

Now I'm trying to figure out exactly what is there and shouldn't be; and what should be but isn't. So I tried printing out the original chapter from the author (who had an individual file for each chapter, and is the root of this problem--they all have to be combined into one document. Easier said than done.)

Well, my printer decided not to work. I tried all the tricks--turning it off, unplugging it, canceling the document queue requests--and my computer was not responsive. It's like...it's like it was busy doing something else. I downloaded so much shit for school, I think I ate up most of the memory--so that stuff has to come off.

Then a lightbulb in my desk lamp blew. WTF?

So I closed everything down--cold boot. And restarted it, and it started printing. Hallelujah. Then it rain out of paper--huh--I'm only printing chapter II, how many pages could it be? So I put more paper in. And now I'm looking through it, and I'm not sure how this happened, but it's printed on two sides.  ???  I did not ask it to do that, nor did I insert any already printed sheets to print on the back side.  It's useless to me because they are not page numbered (not allowed in e-documents).

I'm on my third crying jag of the afternoon / evening. I don't cry easy. In fact, I would really like to sob, but nothing but soft tears are coming from my eyes.

What am I to do?

What does someone who fucks up everything they do, do for a living? Because I'm sure if I got a job making French fries, I'd manage to find a way to fuck that up, too.

So I'll be sitting here most of the night, trying to figure this shit out and get it fixed ASAP (HA!) so the author knows he can count on us.

What will the fallout of this be re:  my continuing employment? I don't know. But I wonder every day when they're going to figure out what a fuck-up I am and tell me buy bye, or just quietly, silently stop offering me work.

I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being honest. This is my life. I am not good or capable at...anything.

***LATER***


I remember a dinner with my dad and his wife. I was over 40, for sure, and my stepmother said, "I don't believe in ADD."  I wanted to smash her face in, but my dad is overprotective of her. My first thought was to retort, "Really? I didn't know you had a degree in neurochemistry. Where did you go to college?"  But I bit. my. tongue. But it still burns. I think the whole reason that I brought it up was that I had been tested for it recently and was still found to be on the spectrum for ADD, even though I was an adult. It doesn't totally go away, not by a long shot, not for everyone.

So anyways....I got the book all fixed up, ran it through the Kindle conversion program, and it changed the font from Chapter 3 forward to a different font. WTF? I checked the original document, and it was all one font. Technology is totally fucking with me today.

So I stepped away, went out for Mexican food, had two margaritas, and went drunk shopping at Wal-Mart while I sobered up before driving home. *hic*  I bought some really nice sheets I've wanted for a while.

So I'm going to try to convert the mutherfucker one. more. time. before getting into bed with MY Kindle and the new Michael Connelly, THE REVERSAL.

The self-flagellation will continue on the morrow.

Trying to Choose

For the last week or ten days or so, I've been trying to figure out if I want to continue with grad school. I went to bed last night with this thought on my mind--do I stay or do I go?  A religious person might call it a prayer, but I was hoping I might have a dream about it--our subconscious is very powerful--or I would wake up with the decision made or a prayer answered.

And....nothing.

I woke up just as confused, just as lost, just as frustrated and tearful, and just as undecided as I've been the last ten days. I cannot decide.

CON: I hate to 'quit' things. It makes me feel incapable, unable, and stupid.

PRO:  It's not like I took someone's place--there are only 16 people in the program which is designed for 35.

CON:  I'll have to pay the student loan back. Not to the lender, but to the school, and they'll want it very quickly.

PRO:  My new job is a job I've dreamt of having all my life, and the quantity of work has expanded, will continue to expand, and I may find myself trying to figure out how to manage multiple projects very soon. I love the work, I love what I do, and doing it was my goal as an undergrad. I would gladly work 12 hours a day doing what I love.

CON:  I signed up for grad school as a "backup" program because I was unable to find work in the arena I had trained for. Also, I think I misunderstood what the program was about. I think I was hoping more for C than A--and there is a difference.

PRO:  I like most of my classmates.

CON:  Even though I'm Internet savvy, I've worked from home, I've worked for an ISP, I am the one who sets up all our technology in our home when it's new or we move, but I'm lost with this software. I'm lost. I'm lost. I am having difficulty finding my way around the primary programs that we use to engage in the courses. I actually had the two classes and their professors mixed up until this past Sunday, and therefore the classes themselves were mixed up in my mind.

EXAMPLE:  I was trying to catch up on material yesterday--one was a lecture that was an mp3 and had a slide lecture to go along with it. The pages where the slides were displayed only ever show 1/3 of the page, AND the slides were presented sideways. They were virtually unreadable. However, having made it clear already that I need help and easily whine and complain (I feel that's how they view me in class), I didn't want to bring this up because if there is another way to do it, I can't bear to out myself again as an idiot.

PRO:  I want the degree to hang on my while for vanity reasons in addition to increased employment possibilities.

CON:  I am having difficulty keeping up with the coursework. I find it confusing, dull, and my ADD-wired brain, if it finds something confusing or dull, will try to point my attention anywhere but what it is I'm trying to focus on:  Lint on my shirt; a wilty plant; a coffee stain on my desktop; my pen that is unclicked/clicked and should be the opposite; a dirty Kleenex that needs to go in the garbage; my flashing BlackBerry (I've started turning it over so it won't distract me); the way my feet are on both carpet and a plastic chair mat, and I really need to move the mat up so my feet are on just mat; is it time to eat, yet?; I wonder if the mail came?: boy, that one nail really needs filing *pickpickpick*;  I could go on and on, but hopefully I've dramatically illustrated what ADD aversion is like. I'm trying to focus, but my brain is fighting with me.

PRO: The sense of satisfaction and pride that comes with completing a long and arduous task.

CON:  I was asking one of my professors for guidance and part of her reply was, "well, this is a graduate level course..."  Ouch.  She schooled me. Huh.

CON:  I spoke to my husband about it this past weekend, and he was less than supportive. Indeed, he may as well have just said, "snap out of it!"  Not helpful.

PRO:  I could return my $100- textbook and get a refund.

CON:  My memory. I rarely remember anything I read--I review my notes that I've taken, and they don't make sense to me because I don't remember writing them. I'm struggling with my failing memory and brain--they just don't work they way they once worked, and all the complaining in the world won't make it better. It's painful, it hurts to admit, but it's the truth. I feel like I'm getting less smart. I am struggling with my increasing mediocrity.

CON:  This program is a science, and not a creative venture, and my mind leans toward the humanities and creating.

PRO/CON: Who would I be letting down by stepping away from the program? Me, certainly. Anyone else? Not really. I'll have to deal with the fallout/feelings/guilt/shame on my own. 

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who would that be? Do I write my advisor? What do I do?

I "talked" (texted) one of my oldest friends the other night, and she was much more optimistic about my brain and school acumen than I was--and she was helpful and supportive, but essentially, she can't decide for me. I can take all the opinion polls of friends and family-members in the world, but ultimately it's me who decides what is right for me. But I don't know what that is.

I'm lost.

I'm Gonna Write, Write, Write...

I am mostly caught up with work--mostly--but I have set aside most of tomorrow (well it's after midnight, so "today"), to write a paper. Five to six pages, about what I would have written as an undergrad. It's due on Friday. Hopefully I can get it knocked out tomorrow, let it sit overnight, and then review it on Wednesday before submitting.

I haven't picked a topic yet from the rubric, but I've remembered how my brain can pick up on things at an unusual or skewed angle and I generally find something interesting to write about, even if it's a topic I find dull. *ahem*  I mean, I wrote about volcanoes, and mud slides (excuse me:  Mass Wasting Events), and water storage--with all As' (thank gawd because I sucked on the tests), so I'm sure I can find something interesting thought-provoking, or even controversial to write about.

I also need to review the guidelines for writing an APA style paper--I've done them so rarely. It's either been CMS or MLA.

I'm going to tough it out. My hope is that once we're past these foundation classes and into the actual meat of things, that I will find things more interesting. If not, then this will be a one-semester graduate program for me. I need to be realistic.

My dream job showed up in my lap two weeks before class started. It's going to get a lot busier. And I love what I'm doing. It's what I went to college for and earned a BA and a certificate for (and, you know, ending sentences with prepositions.). I hope to do it, as well as my own creative writing, for the rest of it my life. So I'm a little torn.

So my confidence got kicked a bit, my intelligence was bored with the subject matter (was? is?), I felt overwhelmed and disorganized (which I was), but I've got a handle on things now. I think.

We'll see. I should know by tomorrow night.

Cheers

Over It

OK, I sat my butt in my (new and fabulous task) chair at my desk, got onto the school's online learning system, and went through each class, methodically listing--on one page--what needs to be done for each class this week. I was also able to cross a couple of things off, already, because they've been done.

Class 00, theory, history and philosophy is on the left in the below photo; 02, technology, is on the right. As an ADD person, this is how I got through undergrad--lists--I don't know why I let myself flounder around, grasping at straws, so I'll put it down to lack of self-confidence--and there's no reason why I can't get through grad the same way, dammit. These two courses are more of a prep for the actual work we'll be doing, and they are probably dry for my classmates, also, based on some discussions I saw on the boards. But, to begin, one must begin at the beginning.

So this is how I'll be spending my long weekend (along with a tiny bit of work). What are you up to for Labor Day?

Ten signs you may have adult ADD.  Nine out of ten here, folks. Nine out of ten.

Weepiness

I'm only two weeks in, and I'm already hating school and dreaming of quitting.

I'm struggling with the format (all on online); I cannot find my way around half the time.

The material is DRY for both classes.

The problems with my memory are becoming more than obvious--they're problematic.

I've already spent about 1/3 of the money I was given in a refund and would have to pay back if I quit school.

The whole thing is making me weepy. I'm having difficulty coping with my complete lack of interest in my classes.

I'm wishing I were studying English, instead. I miss my English classes.

I tried to talk to my husband about it last night, and he was less than supportive.

I've got to find a way to suck it up and get through.

But right now, I just want to cry.

And We're Off....

Class started last Wednesday, but nothing was really going on except some readings because both instructors were out of town. That's kind of a misnomer because this is an Internet-based program, but essentially, because they are out of town, they don't have time to engage fully in the course (all that stuff professors/teachers do that we don't see, like prepping and grading and meetings etc.).

So I'm of two minds right now:

1. Overwhelmed

2. Not really liking the Internet-based format.

Uh, yeah.

Maybe I'm getting old because I like to read things on paper and then mark them up. I went to print out a reading and it is 47 pages. Ouch! My printer eats ink like I (used) to eat donuts, so I jealously guard what it is I print--it needs to be really important. I like to write on paper because then I have a visual as well as a kinetic memory of whatever it is I'm trying to remember, because my memory sucks. It sucks so badly that it frightens me.

Evidently quite a bit of this program is collaborative, i.e., what in undergrad they call "group work."  I hate group work. I know a lot of people hate group work, but I really hate it. Not just because the bulk of "my group" never does their share, but because I am a solitary person. I like being alone. In fact, I'm happy being alone. I have few close friends, and a lot of acquaintances. I am not only a person with trust issues, but I just like being alone. I don't like collaborating. I like working alone. I don't want to be part of anyone's rah rah fucking team. Part of the reason I wasn't successful at either Tupperware sales (love Tupperware) or MaryKay sales (which I also love). I'm not a Kool-aid sucker, and I have trouble faking it when I'm supposed to be happy with something that doesn't actually make me happy. I'm a skeptic, a cynic, and not a joiner.  Of course, it is easier to fake appreciation or courtesy on the net--especially if I think over what it is I want to say first. So I don't, you know, put my foot in my mouth.

I feel overwhelmed because there's all this fucking technology--which I like--but it seems like I'm having trouble finding my way around--why? Because I can't remember where I'm supposed to be. It takes me a couple of bookmark clicks before I find where I need to be, sometimes. And that frustrates me and pisses me off.

But here's the thing:  I've already accepted the student loans, including the large refund (which was part of my plan to support us/myself if I hadn't found a job). Well, my dream job has appeared on the horizon, and work has picked up. A lot. That is what I want to do. The MA program was more of a "just in case / holy shit I have no actual skills / I'm not doing anything else / I can get some loans."

But I feel committed for the semester. I feel I owe it to myself, my peers, and the program to make a sincere effort for this semester, at the minimum.  It's already become fairly clear that I'm an idiot (see previous posts), I just hate for it to get any worse (because it will. Oh yes, it will.)

So I guess I'm just here whining and complaining and kvetching and procrastinating when I should be doing some schoolwork. *sigh*

I'm off to read some PDF files. *rolleyes* As if I weren't already blind.

Prep-Course...DONE!!

Whew, the last two units weren't as long combined as unit 7 by itself. Jeeeeeesuz!  So they are all done. In looking at my feedback on my submissions, I miss-read a few directions. That is typical of an ADD person who also has visual scrambling (I forget what the technical name for it is. Anyone?), so I tend to skip over things and not notice nuances. As I worked my way through the units, I intentionally went very slow, read directions several times, slowly, and on occasion, printed out directions. I also went back and forth if something was unclear for me.

I also made sure to have a quiet, organized space in which to work. I just need one or two more things and it'll be perfect. I really like where I have my desk in front of the window. It's going to be cool when it starts snowing.

So I got all 100% on all the quizzes--yay! and 10 points on all my submissions but one (although I think she's cutting me some slack on it and giving me the full 10 pts), because I misread the directions. When the TA contacted me about fixing it, I had no clue what she was talking about. And I told her so--I did not understand what she was talking about.  I needed to post a subject from an email header from the school admin. I didn't catch the "admin" part, and just submitted the subject line from the University itself. I missed that small detail. And that's how it is for my brain. It's been like this all my life, and it's not going to change. All I can do to mitigate it is what I said above--go slow, read more than once, print out directions with more than two steps, and review before submitting. It makes me a slow-worker/writer, but that's just how it's got to be.

But it makes me feel stupid sometimes.

Gaining Ground

Life threw me a curve the last week or so, and I've been busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. No kidding!

My financial aid showed up in my bank account on Thursday so that entailed shopping on my part for books, supplies, etc., including a new task chair. I've been sitting on a dining room chair at my new desk, previously at the dining room table, and my office space upstairs on a folding camping chair. Back, ass, and leg problems ensued any time I spent any length in front of the computer. Ouch.

So I've been looking for over a month now, waiting to find just the right chair. I came close at Office Max last week, but I wanted one that is adjustable in height, seat tilt, and back support. I decided I needed a second person to help me walk through my decision, and although he spent most of the trip in the bathroom *ahem* I found one I loved--loved--at Staples, and it was $50- off. And they put it together for me for only $8-. I picked it up today. Office Max charges $20- to put together a chair. Just something to keep in mind.

But I have "IN" boxes, folders--one for each class and one for my NEW job as a project manager (working from home); a stand for my printer so that I can store printer paper and other items underneath; pens, paper, post-it notes, page markers, printer ink, folder holders, a Rubbermaid rolling filing cabinet that slips under my desk--I just got it all sorted out this evening--textbooks, and a USB headset with a mic (and mute button) because, again, my course is all done online. Fortunately there are only two textbooks, but one of them was $100!! OW!! The other was only $22- and I can use it for years (APA stylebook).

I also bought some shit I needed (and didn't need *coughpedicurecough*) and took care of some bills and things that got put off much too long, and made sure to put a huge lump aside to pay bills in the event my NEW job doesn't pay dick. I still need to meet with the owner this week and sign a contract.

I also have been helping my husband prep for his NEW job, also. One he's been trying for for a long, long time. WITH benefits that start September 1. *fingerscrossed*  We have no idea what type of benefits are offered, but we'll both know by the end of the week.

But....the good news is, I just finished unit 6, out of 9, of my pre-class, tech prep course. Classes start on Wed, officially, and I hope to knock out the last three units tomorrow. My plan is to spend my whole day, butt planted in seat in front of computer, finishing up. There's a huge unit on accessing the library via the net. I'm very excited about that.

I am nervous about class starting, I think that's normal, but this is such a HUGE step for me. I never really seriously considered grad school before....well, before I finished my undergrad degree a few years ago, anyway. And there is a lot of collaborative learning and tasks in the program. I really hate that--I think a lot of people do--but it's become very popular in the workplace. I'm one of those people who is either totally in charge, running the show, or sitting back and letting someone else do it and just do what I'm told. As an undergrad, I usually took a back seat and let the youngsters run the show because I had a lot more experience than they did and they needed the experience more than I did (although not always).

This is different. I need to find the "middle way"; not in charge, not a follower, either, but someone in the middle who contributes, brainstorms, participates, and builds consensus. Yes, that last bit was taken right out of a PDF file I read tonight. But it's true. I need to play nice with others. Sometimes that's hard for me. I'm a solitary person who is very happy spending large quantities of time alone. It's my preference. My sister is just the opposite--she loves to be around people. And why she has a huge group of close friends, and I have just a handful of close friends. I know lots of people, but I don't easily or quickly open up to people I don't know or just met, i.e., don't trust. That's just how I am. So I'll be stepping outside my comfort zone albeit on the net.

Good thing we've got plenty of alcohol in the house. :-D And those anxiety meds may be doing overtime in the weeks and months to come.

Integrity Means Admitting When You Fuck Up

This is an email I sent to one of the program administrators for grad school. She was exceedingly kind when she wrote back. (Thank Gawd.)--

Dear Jane,

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm starting to feel like a horse's patoot. I'm generally very tech savvy, but I think my problem here--and it is MY problem--is disorganization.

I was unprepared for the overwhelming amount of email I get from Q, R, S, T and Y, and associated other groups, and I was filing them all under "Q" in my yahoo folders.

THEN....yesterday, yahoo decided to convert my 6-year-old email account to it's new, more Google-like version, and I couldn't find anything. I got "Open House" confused with "Orientation." Regardless,

I couldn't find the link for the Open House.

So I opened a new gmail account that is ONLY for XYZU, and I have multiple folders, by type, (i.e., career resources, student group x, conferences, etc.) and  will be transitioning over throughout this week. I am also going to put the link for each live event I want to attend into my Outlook Calendar--I used this with great success in my work environment, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me to use it for school. Thanks for the tip.

And lastly, I have ADD. It's not like it was when I was a child, but I still wrangle with it daily. Generally my plan is to use the OHIO function:  Only Handle It Once. And because it's summer, and I just started a new job, I let my emails get out of control. So, I am, in effect, a horse's patoot.

I will endeavor to be less of one, because this program is very important to me.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Jewels

Well, It's Confirmed

I am a horse's ass.

We had a welcome orientation / online meet 'n greet tonight. I went to the pool about 4pm, set a timer for 45 minutes, got home with ten minutes to spare, got logged in...and the link wouldn't load. I tried multiple browsers, but evidently, once you click on the link? It disappears. Forever. It's a one time invitation only. So I missed orientation.

I called tech support, but they leave at 4:30pmPST, and this was at 5:30pmPST.

I emailed my advisor but, of course, she was hosting the event and was otherwise engaged.

Fuck.

But it was recorded, so my advisor sent me the link to the recording and I watched it. I wish I could have been there.

I also need a headset with a mic. Be picking that up by the weekend, hopefully.

*Whew* Class Taken

Now I can move foreward in the tech prep class.

Except for one little teeny tiny thing.

It's down. Probably until tomorrow.

The best laid plans, my friends.....

The Importance of Making a Good First Impression

Especially when starting a new job or, I don't know, grad school. The first impression I made was as an ass. An idiot. A numbskull.

In order to sign up to re-take the tech orientation class, which is only offered LIVE, I had to out myself to the program administrator so she could get me into another class. *sigh*

Oh, did I not mention that to proceed in the tech prep course, I need to take this live training class? No. Well, I do. So I can't move forward until I take. the. darn. class.

It reminds me of the time I worked in accounts payable for a big plumbing manufacturer [Hint:  Pfabulous!], and it was my turn to get the checks signed once they were printed, and we had this machine, the keys to which had to be checked out from the payroll department. So the checks were printed on Thursdays, and came in a big stack. Before I ran them through the check signing machine, I had to separate out any checks over $10,000 dollars. Above that was a tangle of required hand signatures depending on the amount.

Well, aside from the fact that I really hated that job (accounting? Hello?), I was tired. I  loaded the checks in the machine--it had these sprockets that would fit into the sides of the checks, hit start, and I stood there as zip-zip-zip all the checks ran through the check signing machine. As I watched the last check disappear into the machine, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't removed the checks over $10,000 from the stack. (The checks ran from lowest to highest, in order).

So I'm standing there, holding the payroll check, which is for $700,000--and this was in 1994--and a shiver ran through my body and all my hairs stood up on end, because I realized that was probably the most money I would ever hold in my hands at one time, ever.

And it was signed by the machine.

So I had to think. Can I cover this up? No.
Can I hide it? No.
Can I change it? No.
Can I play stupid? What checks? No.

Nothing to it but to confess. I had to rat myself out.

And everyone had a really good laugh at my expense, particularly because of my distress and having to go to the president of this company and tell him what happened AND get his signature for the $700K check. He was cool about it, too.

But I always felt like an idiot. "Oh, there she goes, Jewels, the one who ran all the checks through the signing machine. Idiota!" LOLOL

And that's how I feel about missing the class I'd signed up for. *pfah*

Maybe I am an idiot. But I want so much not to be one.  Maybe that's impossible. It's a character defect, a flaw. Maybe I should embrace my uniqueness and special snow-flakiness as I stand out in the universe!!!

Nah. I blew it. That's all there is to it. And try not to blow it again. At least in not such an obvious way. *ugh*

1 Unit Tech Prep Course

So I'm moving along in the tech prep course. I'm learning a lot of things that I not only need to learn, but that I want to learn. And combined with a new "job" I started recently, I'm learning a whole lot of new technology. The hours just fly by in front of the computer. I love it.

I did miss a live class tonight on another program we'll be using regularly because I thought today was Wednesday--the class was on Thursday (today)--and so even though I had a big post-it note on the corner of my laptop, I missed the live class. And I was sitting right here.  That's why it sucks to be me, sometimes. My brain doesn't function in a linear way. It is recorded, so I can still take the class, but it won't be live with other classmates. *sigh*

Regardless, the last two weeks have been very good. Should I say it? Or did I just jinx it? *fingerscrossed*

Get This...

I'm taking a prep course on technology--because the whole program is based online--it's 1 unit, pass or fail, and part of that is to create a blog. LOLOL  Oh my. That's funny.

What's different here, for me, is that it had to be created on WordPress. I had never used WordPress before and found it a little less intuitive/easy to get around. It will just take time to get used to, that's all. It does have some really beautiful themes, I liked that a lot. Nothing as pretty as this purple one, here, but still, I picked a nice one.

No, I'm not going to list it here, it's just primarily for posting stuff about class, so it's for my professors, instructors, and classmates only. Sorry. But this blog? This is where I spill my guts about school. So you're not missing anything.

So, out of the nine units in this course, I've completed two. I figure if I do two a day over the next week, I'll have it knocked out well in advance of when actual class starts.

And I need to tie up all my reading-for-pleasure books, also. That has always been my strict rule:  No fiction reading during the semester (Not including holidays.).

I still haven't received my IM invitation--whatever!! and there are only 22 of us in the program. Huh.

Is It Me?

More up-fuckery from new university.

I was supposed to receive an "invitation" to sign up for a school "chat" program, and I did not receive one. Through the universities page on that information, I requested help from tech support. They told me I needed to contact whoever is in charge of that. Uh, I thought you were?

So I've emailed my advisor and the tech class coordinator.

I realize this is a big univeristy, but there are only 35 of us, if that, in this program. It shouldn't be that complex.

And I'm supposed to have a headset with microphone. Great! I'll buy one soon as I get my aid. Until then, I hope you can read lips.

*&%#$@+!

Wobbling.

This past week was quite hectic. I was ill, the cat was ill and had to go to the vet, a big freelance project appeared out of nowhere with a short deadline....and I was supposed to start taking a technology class for my program.

I even got an email from the program coordinator asking me if everything was all right. Even though, technically, although the class was available starting August 1, it is not required to be started until the first day of class, and there are four weeks in which to finish it.

Well, of course I wanted to take advantage of the extra four weeks, so I set aside this weekend to get caught up on the (50-fuckin'-million e-mails they send out every day) tutorials and the class units. Well guess what?  I can't find my username or log in. I've been in the particular program that I need to access, so I have a login name and pw--and a quick  note:  I have four different passwords that I use. That's it. I move them around, use certain passwords for certain things, others for different things, but I always use the same four passwords. And I rely, too heavily I admit, on Firefox to store them for me. So if I don't get a password on the first try--I rotate through the other three, and that usually gets it.

But here, the password is not the problem:  It's the username. I'm fairly certain I used a version of my name, either with or without my middle initial, and supposedly they will e-mail me my username. Ugh, neither version is recognizable. WTF?  I know my memory is bad, but it's not that bad. Is it? And I usually email important stuff like this to myself so I have a copy of it in case of situations just like this. I looked all through my email, and it's not there. It's just gone. The program folder I have on the desktop is empty--wiped out when I got that virus in late May, early June. And it's not on my flash drive. *stupid--hitshead*

So I emailed the tech dept that handles this program explaining that I just can't remember my username/pw. Please help.  I heard nothing all day--maybe they don't work weekends?--and I emailed the coordinator and told her the same thing--nothing there, either.

But that's not what's making me wobble:  It's this:  A job offer. A job I've dreamt of, coveted, and trained for. I'm going to meet with one of the owners next week and we'll talk details, and I really like her. A lot. We have the same taste in politics, religion, and books. The golden triangle. LOL  And I can be myself. She said one of the reasons she wanted to hire me is because I'm "honest."  I try to be, I really do, even when it's painful. She also said that she and her partner were so happy to find someone like me because she didn't know there were any "people like me."  Music to my ears. And I can work at home. *thankyoujesusjosephandmary* No more fuzzy cubicles or being timed in the bathroom. Huzzah!

So it brings up the question:  Do I still need and want to go to grad school? Until I meet with her, and determine just exactly what being "hired" entails, I'm acting under the assumption that I will be continuing with grad school. It's two classes, albeit grad level and I have no experience in that arena--yet. The highest I got in undergrad was English 464, the American Novel, focused on Faulkner and Toni Morrison, and taught by the English Chair who himself was originally from China, not a native speaker of English, loved English and American Lit, and went to Harvard. He was kind, he was thorough, he was tough. He gave me a B+. I adore him. (Can you tell?)

My husband asked me what I was going to do. I said I thought I would at least do one semester and then reevaluate. The big question is, will I be able to do it? I mean physically. Will I have the physical stamina and endurance to work and take two graduate level classes. Fortunately, I don't have to answer that question today. Or tomorrow. Or this week even.

But I would at least like an opportunity to take that 1 unit tech class. (Send me my username, dammit!)

***Update***

Thanks to "H" for tipping me off on how to regain entrance into the "sanctum." :-)

One of These Schools is Not Like the Other

*DISAPPOINTMENT*

I just talked to the Bursar's office at new university, and they don't distribute book loans until the first week of school. BOOO!!  That means I have to wait to purchase my books, which I probably won't be able to get used copies on Amazon or at the school bookstore so I'll have to pay full price. And Ow. Ow. Ow.

What's up with that??

Neither USC nor Chico State did that. I always was able to buy my books in advance.

And here's a thought:  Why not post that up on your web page instead of "processed in 1-5 days?"  Huh.

Well, that sucks.

Moving on. Next thing on the agenda!!

Going into School Mode on Monday, Aug 1

I just received the following email from my department:  Greetings, On Monday, August 1, our XXXX Technology Workshop will begin. I'll be your instructor for this non-credit required workshop. Snoopy Brown is the peer  mentor who will be working with us. This is an online workshop that will help you get up to speed on all sorts of things you need to know before beginning your classes later in the month. JKLX students complete this material as a course. For you, it is a non-credit  workshop (which means you pay no tuition for it!). Succesful [sic] and timely completion is required for continuation in the XXXX program. You should read more about the workshop content on the workshop "syllabus" (LMNOP’S term for a syllabus):http://informationlink.edu. On Monday, you should login to QRST OR Q2, click on the link for the  XXXX Technology Workshop, and get started with the first of the nine units . Many students finish before the regular semester begins and I encourage  you to make that your goal. Students report they are better prepared for  their classes and less stressed if they finish the workshop before their other classes begin. Also, sometime in early August, you will receive an invitation to download the Blackboard Instant Messaging application (Bb IM). When you receive the invitation, be sure to install the download. Bb IM will provide a great way to communicate with faculty and other students. For more information and instructions, please read: http://ABCuniversity.edu. If you have questions, you can contact me by email at C.Brown@ABCuniversity.edu I also encourage you to contact Snoopy  at her email. Snoopi and I look forward to working with you! Charlotte Brown And so it begins. *fingerscrossed*

Getting Back on the Bike

You know, this going back to school thing is getting to be old hat. I've been doing it for so long that it's like riding a bike and the familiar stuff starts coming back, even if it's with a different school who does things differently, things are still the same. And I'm sure by the week of finals, I'll be pulling my hair out and ready to throw-up, praying to just make it to Christmas break at which time I'll gorge on a local buffet, take in a movie, read, and sleep a lot. One friend said he always spent a week in his pajamas playing video games after finals. :-)  He was gorgeous so that is always an awesome visual in my head. LOL

So yesterday I was checking on my financial aid--it's become more of a nervous tick than actually checking--and discovered that the financial aid refunds, i.e., the money I need to buy school supplies and to Live On for as long as possible will start being disbursed the first week of school. That doesn't necessarily mean that I will receive it the first week of school. That made me very, very, very nervous. Why? Because I can't afford to buy school supplies--including some technology and software that I'll need--like textbooks, etc., until I get that money.

Then I remembered:  Every university I've been to (and that's two not including this one) has advances or loans you can get to cover your textbooks.  AND if I buy early, I can get used copies which are generally less expensive.

At USC, your student ID card was also called your "diskresh" short for "discretionary card."  You could add money to it, or your parents could, or, if you were expecting financial aid, you could add any amount to your diskresh card up to the amount of your FA refund. At any time. That's the awesome part about the $42K year private universities. Everything runs real smoothly. And you could use it anywhere on campus including any of the restaurants / cafeterias, bookstore, Starbucks, etc. Oh hell yeah there's a Starbucks on campus. More than one. And you can get Wolfgang Puck pizza and there's a bar below the student union. With Liquor. *uhhuh*

At Chico, you could ask for a "loan," up to $500- and which included a $20- processing fee. I didn't do it every semester, it just depended on my need. I did it perhaps 2 or 3 times. And then they just take the balance right out of your FA.

So I started sniffing around on the financial aid page for my university, and sure enough, there was a form you could fill out and fax to the bursar's office to get a loan for $500-, with the $20- processing fee. So I printed it, filled it out, and faxed it over yesterday. More waiting.

Hopefully it will be here in a few days (??) so I can start getting used textbooks thereby saving some dough. Everything will help especially since tuition just went up 12%. Ow.

Is it School Yet?

Yes? No? No. Thirty-three more days.

Huh.

So I've still got time to freelance, read, watch movies, and do some writing of my own?

Cool.


***
For some reason, I am unable to leave comments on my own blog. Here is my response to the comment received from HD:

Now that you mention it, I'm supposed to start a one-unit class on technology we'll be using for the program on August 1. We have until the fourth week of the semester to get it done. *reminder*

J.
*

Association Conference

I just got an email from my advisor telling me about two upcoming conferences for my *new* profession. The first one is less than a month away...no can do; however, there is one in Mid-October that I might be able to attend. It's in Washington, DC, a place I've longed to visit for ages and ages.

Cost of the conference is slightly challenging, but I have a job interview on Tuesday for something I'm really excited about--*fingerscrossed* that I get it. If I do, I can totally make it to the conference. Then the problem would be getting the time off. Time or money, it's always something isn't it? Then the hotel costs are waaaaaaaaay more than I like to pay for a hotel ( $232 a night but it's with two beds--but if I could find a roomie it would cut that in half). Or hell, do they have Motel 6 in Washington DC? LOL  It would only be for two nights, but still, the cheapskate in me is a bit freaked out by that price. I'd want to stay a couple more days at someplace cheaper so I can visit the monuments, white house, congress, etc.

It's a great networking opportunity as well as a chance to see our capitol. What to do, what to do.

Hope and pray, and do my best.

Tuition Hike: It's Official

University officials voted yesterday for a 12% increase in tuition, which affects me personally. For me, this is an increase of $682- a year, which comes right out of my pocket. And this is actually double the amount of full tuition in 2007.

That's just tuition. There are other charges like associated students, student health, etc., that will come out of my financial aid.

Then I'll need textbooks; a USB headset with microphone; a 2007 or greater version of Microsoft Office (I own 2003, and am using 2010 starter, which sucks); I'll also need an external backup drive--this is required of my department, as well as multiple flash drives, which I have two of now.

My feet are starting to feel a bit chilly.

And one last thing:  Neither GE nor Exxon paid one frikking dime in taxes last year. Too bad I'm not a big corporation.

Now We Wait

School officially starts end of August, and although there are a handfull of things I'll need to do for school before then, basically, it's just the waiting time.  Some of the things I want to get done during that time:

• Finish editing and get published a poetry compilation from a favorite poet / friend
• Research and work on my novel some more
• Read  as many fiction novels as I can
• Watch as many movies as I can
• Swim as many days as I can--it's a short warm weather season here
• Get my house in order--I may be putting my study area in the living room. We rarely use that room since we can't afford cable or dish. I occasionally watch a movie on our 32" analog TV, but usually I watch movies on my laptop. My husband and I picked up a desk the other night. It was just down the street from us, in someone's front yard with a FREE sign on it. It's light-colored wood, very heavy, very big, and has no drawers. It's perfect--mostly because it's free. It's tall enough that I can fit a filing cabinet under there, which I badly need. Right now our bill files are in a milk crate--organized, but not easily accessible. I'll get a picture of the desk once we bring it into the house. Right now it's on the patio.
• Keep looking for a part-time job--no way can I do school and work full-time. I just don't have that kind of energy or endurance, although I am slowly increasing my exercise
• I'd love to visit some friends, see my sister and nieces, and attend a school reunion for my husband in Southern California the first part of August. We'll see if we can pull the money out of our butts for that.
• I'd also like to get up to Chico to see friends and just walk around downtown--the shops there are great!

On Monday, I want to call and verify that my current student loans are still in an unemployment deferment. I checked online, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the information is right. I want to talk to a human to make sure all is in order (and doesn't prevent me from getting new loans. *ahem*)

So right now, it's just one day at a time. Soon, it will be more like one hour at a time. Heh.

Prepping for Classes

There's a class being offered tomorrow by my new university, online. It's on the APA writing style. That's the American Psychological Association. And it's my least familiar style. I think I only used it in archeology and geosciences when I was an undergrad, and had to keep it handy to continually reference it. Since I'm so unfamiliar with the APA style, I thought it would be a wasted opportunity not to take the free class.

As an English major, I am (was) more well-versed in the MLA and Chicago stylebooks, yet it has been three years since I used either of them with any regularity.

And there is another class on Tuesday on using the APA as in-text citations and electronic citations. Both very valuable skills to have. And a good way to shake off some rust.

So Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be taking those two classes and adding an APA stylebook to my semester's purchases when the time comes.

Of course, there is also THIS to help speed things along. I like speeding things along. I'm a slow writer, so I'm all for anything that can help shorten that process.

Oh. And Happy Fourth mis amigos Americanos! :D

***

Due to a family pet emergency, I was not able to take the classes live. Fortunately, they are recorded and available at any time. They're on my agenda for tomorrow.

Loan Counseling

Did that yesterday, online. It was SIXTEEN pages, and each page had a 5 question quiz. So you had to actually read the thing. *yawn*  Like I'll remember. LOL

This isn't the last step, though. Not by far. Now the school needs to send me something else to look at / read / quiz / sign.

The last time I got financial aid, I didn't do any of this. I did have to submit my taxes each year at Chico and USC. I had a heckuva time convincing USC that they wouldn't be getting my parents' tax returns since I hadn't lived with them for over 20 years and my dad wasn't going to turn them over anyhow. LOL And I had to do it each year I attended there.

So we're moving forward. And none of these balls could have gotten rolling until I was enrolled, hence the anxiety. Plus, I always worry about fuckups. I worked at a big insurance company in the 80s, and every once in a while, they would fuck up my paycheck--pay me in pennies instead of dollars; or .40 instead of 40 hours--and I started getting a feel for when it was going to be fucked up. And I was usually right. Usually about twice a year. So there is still room and time for more upfuckery by the university. Until the night I take my first class, I won't be comfortable about school.

Next Step

Today was the first day I was able to accept or decline any financial aid awards. My aid is all loans. I accepted all of it, though, because if I am unable to find a job--even a part-time one--I'm going to need every penny I can get my hands on. I'm not crazy about taking on more debt, but at this late date, it's my only option. Hopefully next year I'll have more options as far as grants and scholarships because I'll fill out the FAFSA before the early filing deadline.

Now I have to take "loan counseling," which is required of all new borrowers. Since I've never borrowed through this university, I'm considered a "new borrower." It's done online. Of course.


Off to do that, now.

Ta'!

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines!!!!!!!!!!!

I am enrolled. I have an idea of the cost (manageable), but am still waiting for the State of California to stick it to the universities with budget cuts and tuition hikes. But still.

I'm in!

Enrollment Update No. 237

From my Advisor earlier today:

Hi Jewels,

[Magic Admin Lady] switched you to [the right program] yesterday and sent a note to [a 2nd magic admin lady]. So, she should be able to take care of that today. Check again tomorrow and if it is not handled, let me know. I will get right on it.

Yes, the system was down but is fine now, so hopefully this will be taken care of promptly.

Dr. X

***


I am not a patient person. I mean, I can be, but I have a limit. I was supposed to be enrolled on the 14th,, and today is the 28th. I think that's being pretty fucking patient. I thought computers were supposed to make our lives "easier?" LOL I want this fixed YESTERDAY!!!!!!


There, I said it and I'm not sorry. *exhale*


Que sera, sera mutherfuckers.

Evidently Today is Not My Day

I am still not enrolled.

I know the website was down most of the day, and the servers were being whack, so that may be the problem.

However.....I want to know if this is normal for this university, or if I can't expect fuckups like this throughout my residence in the program?

Not feeling the love. Not feeling it at all.

Going to write my Advisor. AGAIN.

Big Day Tomorrow

The all important administration lady comes back from vacation. Hopefully she has the magic key to enroll me in the rest of my classes. *fingers crossed*

We shall see.

Movement on the Enrollment Front

Just out of curiosity, I checked my university page--like I do 20 times a day--and a class has been added for me. It is a one-unit class on the technology we'll be using for our online education. It can be started on August 1, and completed with a pass/fail by the fourth week of the semester.

I also had a message that my online tools, different from my student account, were ready for me to use. It's a program called Desire 2 Learn, or just D2L.  We had a different program at Chico State called WebCT, which somehow no one ever mentioned when I went through orientation. I was a little taken aback my first day of class at Chico State, which was also a grammar class (and I've forgotten everything I've learned there.).

It was a glitchy, moody, annoying, pain in the arse of a program, and no one liked it. I heard that Chico State changed over to Blackboard after I graduated, but I'm not sure if that is true.

I took an online course through WebCT (anthropology: a study of religion, magic, and witchcraft...really interesting)  and did tests and submitted some papers through it. But I never used it 100% for all my classes. Good thing I just bought this new laptop. *Note to self:  Purchase carbonite or a backup drive for said laptop by first week of class.

So far, I like D2L. I set up my profile, put up a pic of my smiling face, a few words about myself, and saved it. I poked around and looked at and it doesn't seem to be as fussy a program as WebCT. But we shall see.

So I'm really going. I know that I really want to do this because I was so upset when the possibility that I couldn't occurred.  My brain is turning into mush not doing anything all day except housework, net-surfing, selling crap online, and trying not to think about baked goods. I am really looking forward to meeting new people, meeting the professors, learning about the classes and what that will entail, and actually learning new concepts and skills. I love school. Too bad no one will pay me to do it. LOL

So keeping with my personal college traditions, I now must purchase a keychain from my new university. I have one each for the two previous universities I attended, USC and Chico State. I also have a NaNoWriMo keychain because I *won* that last November. And I wanted to A) remember and B) support them even in my own little way.

I'm heading over to the online bookstore to see what they have available on the Internet. Otherwise, the next time I'm in town, I'll just pick one up.

*happy*

OK to Exhale?

From my advisor, today:

We will get you enrolled—a seat is waiting for you in each class.  I can’t wait for [admin person] to return!

X.

*exhale*  I'm just going to relax, let it go, and get on with the things I need to have done before late August, when school starts.

Letting Fate Decide

Earlier I said I applied to this particular program in a sort of "what the hell" fashion and that I would "let fate decide."

Well, earlier this morning, fate gave me a big fat middle finger.

For reasons unknown to my advisor/program director and her boss, I and a few other people never made it onto the registration rolls, despite everything. And like all bureaucracies, the "woman who handles that" is out until the 27th. 

I've done all that I can do. I can't find my letter of admission/welcome. My husband sat at my desk (despite repeated requests not to do that) and all I can find is the envelope. I looked for over an hour. I have no idea where it is because I left it on my desk.

So I've gotta let it go....if I'm in, I'm in, if I'm not, well, damnshitfuckpisshell.

I don't have a backup plan that doesn't involve low-paying clerical work.

*&^%$

Sometimes You Just Know

That something is not right.  Just got the following from my advisor:

J.,

The student services coordinator is out until June 27^th, and your name doesn’t appear on my list of LMNO students.  I’m trying to find out what happened.

 

Did you receive a letter saying you had been admitted to LMNO, WXYZ or just PQRST?  Did you apply for LMNO and not WXYZ?

 

Let me know definitely if you want LMNO and I will continue to pursue this with Dr.A to see how/when we can get you registered.  We may have to wait for the 27^th when [the coordinator] returns.

So far? I'm not feeling the love. Hopefully my advisor, who also runs the program, can get this resolved. I've got to go search for that letter. It was on my desk last I remember, in case I need it. 

I really dislike it when a bad gut feeling becomes reality. Really, really, really dislike it.

Still Not Enrolled

So I just wrote to my advisor. I hope it's just some kind of glitch or being over-busy. But my intense curiosity and anxiety stems from the fact that I will *not* know the cost until I am enrolled. And if, as I'm sure it will, tuition goes up, I need to plan for that accordingly--and the more notice I have, the better it will be for me.

We're running out of money here, and I'm applying for every job I'm qualified/overqualified/underqualified for. We need an income stream and soon. None of my eBay items are going to sell (they end in an hour and this is the third time I'm put them up for sale), and Amazon this past two weeks I only made $22-. Four weeks ago, I made $75-. It's a hit or miss thing.  We're considering an actual swapmeet next week to sell some things. I need to investigate that, and quickly.

Deep breaths, in, out, in out.  And more coffee.

Now I'm Panicked

Why? Registration opened on the 14th, and I'm still not registered for classes. My advisor told me that if I was not enrolled by Monday, to let her know.

I'll be checking my student account on Monday, and if it's still not updated? Oh yeah, my advisor is definitely getting an email from me.

In the meantime, I think I'll go out for a drink with my hubs.

***
June 18, 7:15pm
I'm having some concerns about my "new university."  My alma mater, Chico State, ran so smoothly, like butter. I can only think of one time when things went awry and that was because of an error I made. They handled everything well, and I had confidence in them. As long as I fulfilled my role, they kept up their end.

So far at new university? I'm not feeling that confidence. They do run things differently, even though they are both part of the same system--and those differences are making me edgy. Plus, I spent two years at private butt-smooch-U where your every need was catered to and you never need feel uncomfortable, ever. At $38k a year, a little butt-smooching is in order, don't you think? :-)

I hope I'm just having a case of nerves. I hope it's me and not the University. *fingerscrossed*

A Moment of Panic

The first of many, I'm sure.

Yesterday was registration for classes, and as a cohorts program, we're all supposed to be registered in the same classes at the same time, automatically. [Or as I always say after an English-as-a-second-language, and very cruel bureaucrat once said to me, auto-muh-tickally.]  But they weren't--I wasn't enrolled in any classes even after midnight!

Panic!!  Now what? I double-checked the checklist they sent me of things to do and it clearly said "automatically" for my program. So what was the deal? No email had gone out stating there was a problem, or a change, or cats and dogs were falling from the sky.

So I decided to err on the side of caution and I wrote my advisor (lovely woman). She wrote back today and told me that the clerk responsible for doing that is working on it and it should be completed by the end of the week--evidently there's not one, does-it-all button; each person must be added manually. And since my last name comes at the end of the alphabet....probably the end of the week.

I wrote my advisor back and thanked her stating, "I just don't want to miss any deadlines."
She said she looks forward to working with me and appreciated that I was "concerned enough to follow up."

*exhale*

Tonight is a technology lecture (online--everything's online), and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm really excited to get started with school. I really am.

***
UPDATE:  6:39pm, Wednesday

I was a little late logging into the site for the Cloud Computing colloquium because I was in the wrong place because my window was not maximized and I didn't get the last bit of directions. I'm not sure if I missed anything important, but it was like listening to a seminar on insurance:  I have no idea what she was talking about. I still don't know what Cloud computing is and how it differs from traditional, off-site server storage. Except that it's cheaper and more streamlined. If it was recorded, I'm going to go back and listen to the beginning again and see if it makes any more sense.  The other people in the colloquium had really good (not understandable by me) questions, but I'm assuming most of them are summer students who have already had at least one or more years of the program under their belts.

The technology program I needed to learn? I was able to do that *before* the lecture; however, I didn't realize I had to log out of it and log back in for it to work. *ahem*

Lot's to learn.

Tomorrow is Registration Day

It's a cohort program, so all 35 (I'm assuming--that's how many they take each year) of us will be automatically enrolled into three, 3-unit classes, and one, 1-unit class regarding use of the technology required for the program. It needs to be done in the first four weeks of the semester. So I don't really need to think about registration, now or going forward. We'll all be registered for the same classes from here on in.  Our internships will probably all be different, but enrollment in the Internship class will be the same for all of us.

There are two online lectures coming up this week, one is on using a particular program, and the second is on Cloud Computing. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around this concept--I'm not sure how it's different from servers--so my plan is to watch the lecture.

Also, I'm interested to see how much it's going to cost me. The university is unable to give me an answer as the state is still waiting on a budget. The quoted price may, and most likely will, go up. So I'm not sure how much debt I'll be going into. That's right; I got only loans. I applied after the FAFSA initial deadline of March 2, so it was either accept the loans or wait another year. "Hey," to paraphrase Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinnie, "my clock is tickin' here!!" I want to jump right in. I feel ready. Of course, one is never really ready for something this big, but one must keep an open mind, ask questions, and look to those with more expertise or knowledge than one has.

This is true of school or work. I would've never made it at my last job without my BFF. She had a photographic memory. Has. I was able to sit with her and take exact, detailed notes of how to use the complex database that everyone hated. Showing me once does not work. So I found someone who could help me. I bought her lunch several times, but the truth is she was glad to do it and we're still friends.

So my plan is to take lot's of notes, print things out if it will help, talk to my cohorts and especially my professors and advisor. Just like I did as an undergrad. It took me a while to figure out that professors truly want to see us all succeed--and were not just big boulders on the pathway of life. I think it took me all of community college to figure that out. I visited my professors in their office only three times at community college. And probably all my last semester. I had associated "office hours" to "being sent to the principal's office, aka, 'the office.'"  You know, in trouble.  I took full advantage of office hours at Chico State if I needed them.  This will be true more than ever as a grad student. (I still can't believe that I'm using those words. LOL).

I did consider some online universities before I chose this program. I was especially interested in Walden University. Aside from the cool name, they are accredited. They are expensive, however. Also, don't ask for any information, though, because they will spam the hell out of you.

I also considered University of Phoenix, pricey and has a reputation as a diploma-mill (correct me if I am wrong); National, and DeVry (they have non-technical majors, also). I was just spinning the college wheel, thinking.

But now that I've selected, enrolled, and signed up for lot's of debt (I'll probably die before I pay it off LOL), I am nervously excited.

***
UPDATE: Tues 12:30pm

Both classes tonight are at the same time. WTH? I guess I'll skip the Cloud lecture because the other has more immediate relevance.  Who planned this? Maybe it'll be stored and I can watch it later. Huh.