Well, That Was Nice

I did get an email from my advisor late last night, but just read it today. She was very kind, and said she was sorry to see me go, but understood that if I had found my dream job in this economy I should grab it. She also addressed my difficulty with the online program--she said it just does not work for some people. The professors had indicated that our cohort was "exceptional," so they're sorry to lose me.

I wish I could be as exceptional as they "thought" I was. I just don't have it in me. I felt like I was trapped in one of those snow globes, and it had been shaken, and information was raining down on me from every direction, swirling around my head, and me, unable to take in any of the information. That's how I felt.

I'm happy with the direction things are going with my life, however. My anxiety level has slowly gone down this week, mostly because big name author is not upset and I still have a job. I've said it other places and to other people--I'm an easy frazzle. I frazzle easily and quickly. I know that about myself.  I cannot work and go to school--as I've aged, and my health as deteriorated, I cannot work and go to school. My body and my psyche just can't handle it. I thought this time I would figure it out as I went. HA!

Just going forward from here on. Nothing else I can do. Feeling good about the choices I've made.

***

Response to comment from HD (for some reason, I cannot leave comments on my own blog. Urgh!)

I was just consistently lost--I didn't feel engaged or a part of something, which is odd because I have taken online classes before, but only one at a time--not a whole program. And the online classroom environments were clunky and difficult to maneuver in, and I screwed up regularly. Really rough on the ol' self-esteem.

I wanted it so much, I didn't really think about the logistics as much. I just thought it would be "fine." 

WRONG.

I don't know if I'll ever go for an advanced degree. I was in school one way or another for 27 years--not including high school--and I think I might actually be tired of school. Imagine that. *snort*

Thanks for letting me make up my own mind.

XO

Just Browsing?

Before I get to today's blog post topic, the big name author was TOTALLY understanding about the problems with the formatting of his ebook. *huge exhale*  He's a college professor who teaches, well, one of those "out there" sciences at a major university, and is smarter than five regular people put together, and gets that this is a new technology and that there are going to be glitches sometimes. Hallelujah, i.e., I'm not in trouble. *whew*

So on to today's blog post.

I've been "wooing" a new author that was handed to me by one of our publishers; she thought the novel was right up my alley, and she's right. I had my fourth in-person meeting with that author yesterday, AND her husband, who has been at every meeting but one, AND who keeps trying to sell me a shake product for weight loss. *sigh* I finally just told him I couldn't afford it. And you know that at some point it would turn into "we'll trade you product for services." Uh, no.

We spoke by phone last week, and I said she and her husband should sit down, crunch the numbers, and figure out what kind of payment plan they could come up with and we would meet this week and draw up a contract. We normally don't do payments, but because this gal is local, and works for a high-profile government office, the level of trust is much higher than it would be for someone over the Internet.

I drove across town--1/4 tank of near $4- a gallon of gas worth, and this is the second time I have, the other two meetings were downtown--again, I've also bought her a lunch at a very nice restaurant. So I'm already losing money. Yes, I can write it off my taxes next year, but right now it's coming straight out of my pocket.

So I drive across town, again, yesterday and they are completely unprepared. They have not talked, they have not crunched numbers, they don't even know what editorial services they want.

???

The husband wanted to know what kind of down payment I was expecting--and we had mentioned 25% before--he wanted to know if "$50- bucks could get it started."  Uh, no. There are a few things we can bill for, but content editing is not one of them.

So, from now on, with this client, meetings are over the phone or email only until they are ready to go. It's like going car shopping without a dime in the bank. Or looking at diamonds or $300- handbags at Coach:  You tell the salesperson, "I'm just browsing." That way, no ones' time get's wasted. Or money.

For crying out loud. Lesson learned.

Sucker Punch

Today started out with a forwarded email (to me) from one of the owner's of the company I work for. It was from a well-known publishing house in the UK and they ripped, I mean, it was nasty, ripped apart the ebook we did for big name author. We already knew that somehow the formatting was screwed up. I had discovered two chapter twos--before I uploaded it for sale--and removed it and cleaned it up. The two owners and myself agreed that the level of nastiness comes from a place of fear and possibly jealousy--the publishing world is shifting, and the big publishers are not sure how they fit into this new paradigm.

We're not sure exactly how it happened. I do know this, I've known it for years and it really hit home the last few months:  Microsoft Word has a mind of its own.

It does.

Saturday, I worked on the manuscript. I inserted ~~~~ into all non-chapter breaks in the novel (by request). I did a find/search in the document to make sure that each one was centered, one space before and one after, 12 pt, not bold. (And did you know that paragraphs markers can have a font size? Me neither.)  Satisfied, I saved and renamed the document (every time I make a change, the file name gets a new number, in numerical order. It just helps to find a document and keep track.)

I finished the search, thought it looked good, then decided to scroll through the document and look at each and every page--over 500--to see if anything anomalous jumped out at me.  Guess what I found two of, left justified, not centered? Yep, the non-chapter break, ~~~~.  I had done find/search of the whole document, fixed them all, and saved it, and two of those fuckers moved themselves back to the left side of the document. That is the kind of shit that can make the average person, let alone an editor/formatter/manager, totally batshit crazy.

I also found a chapter heading that had changed its font from Times New Roman to Garamond all on its own--after I had done a ctrl/A (highlight) of the entire document and changed the font to Times New Roman and then re-sized all the chapter title fonts.

So it is possible that although I removed the duplicate chapter, it may have added itself back in. It is not outside of the realm of possibility after some of the wacky shit I've seen Word pull. Seriously.

Also, there is the possibility that although I thought I removed it, it did not get removed, and my three subsequent search/find for key words / sentences from the chapter involved only showed up once; but after it was uploaded, they were back in there. Only I didn't know. One assumes that after one saves that no further changes will be made. Well, Microsoft schooled me.

I'm still waiting for the two owners to tell me they don't need me anymore. They did major butt-smooching to the author and the person who purchased the book and complained, and then sent them a free, clean copy.

Also, I offered to have either one of them review the document before I uploaded it back in August, and they both declined. This was only my first project for the business, and they trusted me to get it right--their biggest client ever, they gave to the new gal, and then didn't review it. So there's that.  And, oh yeah, no training. A list of directions, a "have at it" attitude, and answers to my emails--mostly.

This morning, I offered to take all the blame, i.e., "fall on my sword," but the owner told me that although that made her smile, she was the project manager for the book, and she would take the responsibility.

Lastly, the other owner commented that all Word docs need to be ran through a third-party formatting program to seal in the changes, otherwise Word could go a little buck wild.  That was not in the instructions I was given--it said, "site x and site z accept Word documents just fine."  Huh.

So I've been rattled, and a nervous wreck all day. Hell, for the last few days. So much of how I want my life to look revolves around this job. My husband asked me what I would do if I were indeed canned, and I said, well, I know a helluva lot more about epublishing than I did two months ago, I can always start my own business. But I don't really want to do that. And I really like the two ladies I'm working for--they have so much they can teach me and we all have so much in common and I consider them friends as well as mentors / bosses.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

And on the other hand, my former editing professor responded today to an email I wrote him the other day, with these kind words--and he's not the kind of person who would say nice things if he doesn't mean them:

Thanks for the update—and congratulations on the new job! It sounds like a perfect fit for you. I’m so happy that you found the kind of job you wanted. It’s rare in this economy, but your perseverance paid off. I love it that you’re able to work in various phases of the publishing process, from working with authors to formatting ebooks. That takes advantage of all your skills and will keep the job interesting.

A counterbalance for the sucker punch? Almost. I just feel as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I forwarded it to the owners' just in case, you know, toot my own horn and so on.

And lastly, my grad school advisor has not written me back in response to my email to her that I was quitting. This is a woman who previously answered my emails no matter what time I sent them right away--including 4am. (She's on the east coast, so she's 3 hours before my time).

Additionally, the note I left for my classmates with my email address did not elicit one response. I thought there would be one, maybe two emails, but nothing.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, so I should take my sorry, anxious ass to bed.

It's Done

I dropped my two classes (I was never sure if they were 3 or 4 unit classes); I wrote my advisor; and I posted a farewell on one of the class discussion boards. Since the program is cohort driven, I had all the same people in both classes, so I only need to post on the one message board. I left my email if anyone wanted to stay in touch, but I'm not sure we knew each other long enough or well enough to do that, but we'll see. I'm open to anything.

The last day to "drop" was September 6, so I'm not exactly sure what the fallout will be for me, although I'm sure it won't be in my favor. I am concerned about that, but I am not overwhelmed with it. We'll see how that develops.

There is some sadness with my withdrawal from the program, but no regret. I don't see myself taking any more classes with an eye to a degree, although I certainly would take classes, and probably will, for personal or professional development. I have so many interests, that a ten lifetimes wouldn't be enough to study all the things that I want to study in depth.

As for this blog, I'm going to keep it. I like the voice I've found here, and the tone, and I love the template (murple); I'm not sure what I'll be writing about if not school, but I'll just take it one day at a time for now. I hope you'll stay with me.

Let's see where we go.

Post-Decision

I haven't really had time to think, absorb, or feel anything about my decision to drop out of grad school. My job is as a project manager / editor for a publishing company, and today I was juggling four authors and their needs. And I spent ALL day at it.

Even if I wanted to continue with school, I don't think I would have the time even if I weren't already unhappy. I spent the day tweaking and making adjustments and taking notes, emailing and phoning, formatting and uploading and editing--and I loved it.

Grad school never once crossed my mind, today.

I don't feel regret, guilt, or shame. I don't even feel like I've made a right choice, really. I just know that this other thing--work--keeps me very busy and I enjoy doing it.

Simple as that.

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." -- Steve Jobs

Today is Sucking

So of course I'm dropping out of grad school.  The truth is, I just can't cope with the format. It works for other people, but not for me. I'm just not capable. (And my job is keeping me busy.)

And the events of today have only driven home to me how particularly unusual my brain acts, and how I always--yes, always--fuck up.

The book I formatted for the big name author in July/August? It's fucked up. Of course. I checked it, and checked it, and rechecked it and checked it again before uploading it to Amazon. I must have 30 versions of this novel. And I didn't see it at all.

I tried downloading the item to my Kindle because the buyer who reported the error gave the location number, which is not a page number, and can't be searched for in Word. So rather than scan a 500 page novel for the error, I tried, for hours. I mean hours, using different programs, Mobi/Calibre/Adobe, to get the book transferred to my Kindle so I could find the section with the error. It would not work. Then I got an error message about my "device."  So it's possible the Kindle itself has a problem or is kaput. So I bought a copy of the book. Fuck it. It was less than $8-. I found the error.

Now I'm trying to figure out exactly what is there and shouldn't be; and what should be but isn't. So I tried printing out the original chapter from the author (who had an individual file for each chapter, and is the root of this problem--they all have to be combined into one document. Easier said than done.)

Well, my printer decided not to work. I tried all the tricks--turning it off, unplugging it, canceling the document queue requests--and my computer was not responsive. It's like...it's like it was busy doing something else. I downloaded so much shit for school, I think I ate up most of the memory--so that stuff has to come off.

Then a lightbulb in my desk lamp blew. WTF?

So I closed everything down--cold boot. And restarted it, and it started printing. Hallelujah. Then it rain out of paper--huh--I'm only printing chapter II, how many pages could it be? So I put more paper in. And now I'm looking through it, and I'm not sure how this happened, but it's printed on two sides.  ???  I did not ask it to do that, nor did I insert any already printed sheets to print on the back side.  It's useless to me because they are not page numbered (not allowed in e-documents).

I'm on my third crying jag of the afternoon / evening. I don't cry easy. In fact, I would really like to sob, but nothing but soft tears are coming from my eyes.

What am I to do?

What does someone who fucks up everything they do, do for a living? Because I'm sure if I got a job making French fries, I'd manage to find a way to fuck that up, too.

So I'll be sitting here most of the night, trying to figure this shit out and get it fixed ASAP (HA!) so the author knows he can count on us.

What will the fallout of this be re:  my continuing employment? I don't know. But I wonder every day when they're going to figure out what a fuck-up I am and tell me buy bye, or just quietly, silently stop offering me work.

I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being honest. This is my life. I am not good or capable at...anything.

***LATER***


I remember a dinner with my dad and his wife. I was over 40, for sure, and my stepmother said, "I don't believe in ADD."  I wanted to smash her face in, but my dad is overprotective of her. My first thought was to retort, "Really? I didn't know you had a degree in neurochemistry. Where did you go to college?"  But I bit. my. tongue. But it still burns. I think the whole reason that I brought it up was that I had been tested for it recently and was still found to be on the spectrum for ADD, even though I was an adult. It doesn't totally go away, not by a long shot, not for everyone.

So anyways....I got the book all fixed up, ran it through the Kindle conversion program, and it changed the font from Chapter 3 forward to a different font. WTF? I checked the original document, and it was all one font. Technology is totally fucking with me today.

So I stepped away, went out for Mexican food, had two margaritas, and went drunk shopping at Wal-Mart while I sobered up before driving home. *hic*  I bought some really nice sheets I've wanted for a while.

So I'm going to try to convert the mutherfucker one. more. time. before getting into bed with MY Kindle and the new Michael Connelly, THE REVERSAL.

The self-flagellation will continue on the morrow.

Trying to Choose

For the last week or ten days or so, I've been trying to figure out if I want to continue with grad school. I went to bed last night with this thought on my mind--do I stay or do I go?  A religious person might call it a prayer, but I was hoping I might have a dream about it--our subconscious is very powerful--or I would wake up with the decision made or a prayer answered.

And....nothing.

I woke up just as confused, just as lost, just as frustrated and tearful, and just as undecided as I've been the last ten days. I cannot decide.

CON: I hate to 'quit' things. It makes me feel incapable, unable, and stupid.

PRO:  It's not like I took someone's place--there are only 16 people in the program which is designed for 35.

CON:  I'll have to pay the student loan back. Not to the lender, but to the school, and they'll want it very quickly.

PRO:  My new job is a job I've dreamt of having all my life, and the quantity of work has expanded, will continue to expand, and I may find myself trying to figure out how to manage multiple projects very soon. I love the work, I love what I do, and doing it was my goal as an undergrad. I would gladly work 12 hours a day doing what I love.

CON:  I signed up for grad school as a "backup" program because I was unable to find work in the arena I had trained for. Also, I think I misunderstood what the program was about. I think I was hoping more for C than A--and there is a difference.

PRO:  I like most of my classmates.

CON:  Even though I'm Internet savvy, I've worked from home, I've worked for an ISP, I am the one who sets up all our technology in our home when it's new or we move, but I'm lost with this software. I'm lost. I'm lost. I am having difficulty finding my way around the primary programs that we use to engage in the courses. I actually had the two classes and their professors mixed up until this past Sunday, and therefore the classes themselves were mixed up in my mind.

EXAMPLE:  I was trying to catch up on material yesterday--one was a lecture that was an mp3 and had a slide lecture to go along with it. The pages where the slides were displayed only ever show 1/3 of the page, AND the slides were presented sideways. They were virtually unreadable. However, having made it clear already that I need help and easily whine and complain (I feel that's how they view me in class), I didn't want to bring this up because if there is another way to do it, I can't bear to out myself again as an idiot.

PRO:  I want the degree to hang on my while for vanity reasons in addition to increased employment possibilities.

CON:  I am having difficulty keeping up with the coursework. I find it confusing, dull, and my ADD-wired brain, if it finds something confusing or dull, will try to point my attention anywhere but what it is I'm trying to focus on:  Lint on my shirt; a wilty plant; a coffee stain on my desktop; my pen that is unclicked/clicked and should be the opposite; a dirty Kleenex that needs to go in the garbage; my flashing BlackBerry (I've started turning it over so it won't distract me); the way my feet are on both carpet and a plastic chair mat, and I really need to move the mat up so my feet are on just mat; is it time to eat, yet?; I wonder if the mail came?: boy, that one nail really needs filing *pickpickpick*;  I could go on and on, but hopefully I've dramatically illustrated what ADD aversion is like. I'm trying to focus, but my brain is fighting with me.

PRO: The sense of satisfaction and pride that comes with completing a long and arduous task.

CON:  I was asking one of my professors for guidance and part of her reply was, "well, this is a graduate level course..."  Ouch.  She schooled me. Huh.

CON:  I spoke to my husband about it this past weekend, and he was less than supportive. Indeed, he may as well have just said, "snap out of it!"  Not helpful.

PRO:  I could return my $100- textbook and get a refund.

CON:  My memory. I rarely remember anything I read--I review my notes that I've taken, and they don't make sense to me because I don't remember writing them. I'm struggling with my failing memory and brain--they just don't work they way they once worked, and all the complaining in the world won't make it better. It's painful, it hurts to admit, but it's the truth. I feel like I'm getting less smart. I am struggling with my increasing mediocrity.

CON:  This program is a science, and not a creative venture, and my mind leans toward the humanities and creating.

PRO/CON: Who would I be letting down by stepping away from the program? Me, certainly. Anyone else? Not really. I'll have to deal with the fallout/feelings/guilt/shame on my own. 

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who would that be? Do I write my advisor? What do I do?

I "talked" (texted) one of my oldest friends the other night, and she was much more optimistic about my brain and school acumen than I was--and she was helpful and supportive, but essentially, she can't decide for me. I can take all the opinion polls of friends and family-members in the world, but ultimately it's me who decides what is right for me. But I don't know what that is.

I'm lost.

I'm Gonna Write, Write, Write...

I am mostly caught up with work--mostly--but I have set aside most of tomorrow (well it's after midnight, so "today"), to write a paper. Five to six pages, about what I would have written as an undergrad. It's due on Friday. Hopefully I can get it knocked out tomorrow, let it sit overnight, and then review it on Wednesday before submitting.

I haven't picked a topic yet from the rubric, but I've remembered how my brain can pick up on things at an unusual or skewed angle and I generally find something interesting to write about, even if it's a topic I find dull. *ahem*  I mean, I wrote about volcanoes, and mud slides (excuse me:  Mass Wasting Events), and water storage--with all As' (thank gawd because I sucked on the tests), so I'm sure I can find something interesting thought-provoking, or even controversial to write about.

I also need to review the guidelines for writing an APA style paper--I've done them so rarely. It's either been CMS or MLA.

I'm going to tough it out. My hope is that once we're past these foundation classes and into the actual meat of things, that I will find things more interesting. If not, then this will be a one-semester graduate program for me. I need to be realistic.

My dream job showed up in my lap two weeks before class started. It's going to get a lot busier. And I love what I'm doing. It's what I went to college for and earned a BA and a certificate for (and, you know, ending sentences with prepositions.). I hope to do it, as well as my own creative writing, for the rest of it my life. So I'm a little torn.

So my confidence got kicked a bit, my intelligence was bored with the subject matter (was? is?), I felt overwhelmed and disorganized (which I was), but I've got a handle on things now. I think.

We'll see. I should know by tomorrow night.

Cheers

Over It

OK, I sat my butt in my (new and fabulous task) chair at my desk, got onto the school's online learning system, and went through each class, methodically listing--on one page--what needs to be done for each class this week. I was also able to cross a couple of things off, already, because they've been done.

Class 00, theory, history and philosophy is on the left in the below photo; 02, technology, is on the right. As an ADD person, this is how I got through undergrad--lists--I don't know why I let myself flounder around, grasping at straws, so I'll put it down to lack of self-confidence--and there's no reason why I can't get through grad the same way, dammit. These two courses are more of a prep for the actual work we'll be doing, and they are probably dry for my classmates, also, based on some discussions I saw on the boards. But, to begin, one must begin at the beginning.

So this is how I'll be spending my long weekend (along with a tiny bit of work). What are you up to for Labor Day?

Ten signs you may have adult ADD.  Nine out of ten here, folks. Nine out of ten.

Weepiness

I'm only two weeks in, and I'm already hating school and dreaming of quitting.

I'm struggling with the format (all on online); I cannot find my way around half the time.

The material is DRY for both classes.

The problems with my memory are becoming more than obvious--they're problematic.

I've already spent about 1/3 of the money I was given in a refund and would have to pay back if I quit school.

The whole thing is making me weepy. I'm having difficulty coping with my complete lack of interest in my classes.

I'm wishing I were studying English, instead. I miss my English classes.

I tried to talk to my husband about it last night, and he was less than supportive.

I've got to find a way to suck it up and get through.

But right now, I just want to cry.