Three years ago, when I hooked up with my current employer (for whom I am a contractor, not an employee, but I have a freelance contract with them. I've been getting more business on my own, but the bulk of my business comes from this publishing house.).
I edited, laid out, selected the art, and basically designed the entire book for an author I like...for free. It was my test, implied and assumed, for being hired by this publisher because after I finished it,, jobs started rolling in.
Anyway, because I basically had to teach myself everything, at the time, it was worth doing for free. Plus, the author is so awesome and deserves publication. He promised that I could do his second book--paid, this time.
He was ready to go last summer. I told him that we would accept payments, but no, he wanted to pay in full in advance, as much as he could. So he had a crowdfunding fundraiser. He raised over $1,000 in about a month. After it was over, he asked me if we would take PayPal. I checked, the publisher would, but prefered not to because they would lose money on the fees; they preferred a check. He was fine with that and even offered to personally PayPal me a small percentage of the raised amount because he knew we could use it (as always). I gave him my PayPal email and we waited for the funds to be released in a week or so. I had his manuscript, I was making choices, I was ready to go.
I never heard from him again.
Well, not about the book. We're friends on Facebook and Twitter. And not one word about the book since July.
His wife, who does a lot of net marketing, abruptly went to a large convention for her line of work about a week or two after the funds would have been released. It would have required convention fees, flight, and hotel, not to mention food and so on. I think that's where the book money went.
Strangely, no one on Facebook has asked him, "When is your book coming out?"
I talked to my boss about it, and we both kind of shrugged, after all, he hadn't signed a contract.
So he fucked me out of the work and the pay, and more importantly, he fucked all his friends who donated money for a BOOK. My boss actually was the first donor with $50-. I think that's real shitty.
I have decided to no longer mix business with pleasure. My next story will reinforce this idea even more. You won't believe this next one, either. I can barely believe it.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Rant No. 1 | My Husband is Lazy and Often a Jerk
*sigh*
After experiencing some really good months, over a year, of marriage, and being able to rely and depend on my husband in ways I never could before, in the last month or so he has devolved into idiocy, assholery, and his usual state, laziness.
My husband is on the autism spectrum. For a while I thought he had Asperger's, but now I'm not so sure. He's never been assessed, refusing to be assessed, so no one knows just where he falls on the spectrum. He is a very concrete thinker, and because of this, does some weird things sometimes. Things that don't make sense. Recently, as his folks' house over Thanksgiving, he started a fire on a piece of furniture.
His mother asked him to light all the candles in the living room and dining room, and which he did.
As we were waiting for dinner, having coffee or, in my case, champagne, his brother suddenly noticed that the hutch of a dish cabinet was on fire. There was a pair of candles on either side of a mantle clock on the center shelf of the wood hutch. Instead of moving them forward, away from the shelf which partially covered the middle shelf, he lit them and walked away. Within 20 minutes, they had caught the top shelf on fire in both places. Fortunately his brother caught it--flames were shooting out from the middle shelf--got it put out, and put water on it to stop the smoldering.
*ugh*
Lack of common sense? It seems like it, but the reality is, he had been told to light the candles, nothing more. So he did that, and nothing more. That's how his brain works and it's SO frustrating.
About a month ago, a local store had organic free-range chickens, whole chickens, on sale: Buy one get one free. We went over that night and got two--the last two--and some other groceries. We were carrying them and I realized one of the chickens was leaking all over. I didn't want to bring it in the house dripping (salmonella) all over, so I set it down, and asked my husband who was walking past me into the house to get me a fresh bag from under the sink so I could carry it in.
Instead of one of the grocery bags under the sink, he brought me, where I waited in the front yard, a 13 gallon kitchen trash bag. "No!" I said, frustrated. "Just a grocery bag."
"Well, you didn't say grocery bag."
I kept my mouth quiet and came into the house sans dripping chicken to get a bag. I gave him the smaller grocery bag and asked him if he would go retrieve the chicken and bring it in the house while I put the groceries away (something he has trouble doing. He puts things wherever and I can never find them.)
"Where is the chicken?" he asked, despite having walked by me initially and bringing me a trash bag out front.
"By the front door!" I said, exasperated. I then watched in frustrated anger as he went out of the kitchen, into the family room, and out the sliding back door.
"Not that door!" I yelled. "The front door."
"Well, you didn't specify!"
"Why did I have to? You walked by me as I put the chicken on the grass in the front yard, and then brought me a trash bag to the same spot!"
"But you didn't say. I went to the closest door."
"Did you see either me or a chicken at that door?"
"But you didn't specify. You have to be specific with me!"
I yelled back (he was yelling), "I didn't think I had to. You walked by me and the chicken on the front lawn, then brought me a trash bag. Did you at any point see me or the chicken enter or exit the back door?"
"That's not the point, you didn't specify..." and he just continued to argue with me. By this time, I was ready to smother him with a pillow. But I resisted.
To your average person, it would seem like a lack of common sense, and maybe it is, but unless you give him explicit instructions, he'll fuck it up every time.
Him: Where's the dishsoap?
Me: Under the kitchen sink, left side by the sponges, it's pink.
I can't just say "under the sink." He'll start with the closest sink and tell me he can't find it. It's EXHAUSTING.
He's also lazy as hell. I don't think he'd pick up his own dick if it fell on the floor. He won't pick up anything. it doesn't matter how it fell, how it got there, who did it, whatever, he just steps over it an keeps going. It's especially frustrating for me because I have severe back problems and bending over is always painful and lasting.
I've spent most of our marriage wanting to run away, get away. For a long time I thought it was me, my pathological need to run at any problem, but I think I may be wrong. I think it might be my subconscious trying to tell me that I made a huge mistake. I'm still not sure.
We went to his parents for Thanksgiving, and on the long drive home I got thirsty. We were looking for somewhere to have dinner and the areas were unfamiliar to us, and he refused to buy me a $2.00 soda because he "didn't want to buy two drinks." What he meant was a drink now and then a drink wherever we have dinner.
This the guy who steals soda from help-yourself fountains--he pays for a cup, fills it, takes it out to the car and gets his second, empty cup from that location (the car is full of plastic, over-sized fast food cups *UGH*), and fills it up with soda. He'll also stop at that particular fast food place, at another location, and refill that cup without paying. He cannot go anywhere without a big cup of soda in his hand--the store, the doctor, the car, anywhere. If he goes more than five minutes without a drink, he gets crazy. But when I was thirsty and wanted a drink? He refused to buy it for me. I didn't have $2.00 because I don't have an income. I can't believe what an asshole thing that was to do. I'm very pissed about it.
Then, on Monday, he got his check cashed and headed to the biggest city in the area, and that had a Trader Joe's, so I could get some specialty food, especially for Christmas baking, and then to a big grocery store that I like and don't have one by our home, to stock up with things I wasn't able to get. First, I needed to stop at Walmart to pick up a prescription and he needed to get a money order for the rent (landlord's request, M/O only.).
He was to get the money order and meet me at the pharmacy or vice versa, depending on who finished first. Before I even got to the pharmacy, he was behind me pinching my back. "Did you get the money order?"
"Oh, I forgot. I'll get it. I'm hungry."
"There's a grocery store in here, get something to eat."
"OK, I'll meet you back over here."
As I was finishing up in line, paying for my pills and some Christmas candles I'd picked up, he came over saying "I had a chocolate milk."
"Did you get the money order?"
"Oops. I forgot."
*fume*
"Get it now." Our rent was due on the third, the next day, and our landlady is also a teacher AND the union president. "Jane will be expecting it tomorrow." DUH. He felt and does not feel any sense of propriety or urgency regarding rent paying.
So he went over to the money center at Malwart and got into what was now a very long line. I was able to circle the entire store, shopping, looking around, wandering, and he was just at the head of the line when I got back to the front of the store. So about an hour wasted because he couldn't remember to do the one thing he'd gone there for: Get a money order.
So we left, and instead of heading to the freeway to head to the big city, he decides to take back roads that he "saw on a map" which essentially added about an hour to our trip. So we're now about two hours behind schedule. Trader Joe's closes at 9pm, and it's pushing 6pm and we're not even in the same city. My ass started to clench up.
Then he started whining about food and how he'd only had a chocolate milk. "Why didn't you get something at Mallwart?"
"I couldn't find anything."
"It's a grocery store," I said, exasperated. "How about a banana? A chocolate bar? Granola bars?" He had no answer.
Instead, he got off the freeway trying to find a restaurant we had once eaten at during our move. Couldn't find it. So he decides to drive around and see what he can see. It's after 7pm. I suggested fast food. It was payday, and by god he was going to have a decent meal, dammit!
We ended up at a sportsbar chain as he wanted wings, his favorite food, and to watch football. Did he tell me he wanted to do this? No. Because I could have left him there, gone shopping, and picked him up. No, instead he orders about $30- of wings, salad, and a drink, I ordered some jalapeno poppers for an appetizer, I had had some chili before we left (which he won't eat as it had turkey meat in it. Don't even ask.). By the time we finished, it was 8:30. by the time we got to Trader Joe's, it was 8:45. I had fifteen minutes to do a month or more of shopping. FUCK. I was SO pissed. I was so pissed I bought stuff that wasn't even on my list because I wanted HIM to pay for screwing me out of MY time; things like balsamic glaze. I then bought stuff at the big grocery store, taking my time as my husband made trip after trip after trip to the bathroom or to the soda machine. (He has irritable bowel, always exacerbated by fried foods. Doesn't keep him from eating it, tho.).
He also does no housework. he has a full time job and I don't, so fine, I'll do the housework, but he makes not even the tiniest step toward mitigating his messes--dirty dishes go on the sink or counter even if there's room in the dishwasher; dirty clothes go on the floor of "his" bedroom. We have three bedrooms, ea share one and each have a bedroom to do with as we wish. Fine, but if you want your laundry done, you need to pick it up, put it in a basket, and carry it out to the garage. Bad back, here, remember? He puts his dirty lunch dishes--lunches I make. He has to have a hot lunch--on the clean dining room table or on the floor or his folding table desk in the living room. I live with a pig. He's pushing 50. You'd think his frat boy college day slobbiness. Nope. When I go to get in bed at night, typically there are no covers for me. I've asked him to fix the covers before he gets in to make sure I have some covers, and he has no idea what that means. Last night, after I turned on the overhead light after I had turned on my four watt nightstand light so I wouldn't trip later, before a pre-bed shower, and he had turned it back off!!!, I said, "the bed is square, the blankets are square, figure it out."
If the blankets on your side are on the floor, and there are none past the center of the bed toward my side,, what do you think needs to happen? I nearly came out to the living room to sleep in a reclining chair.
I'm so frustrated and so tired and so annoyed having to constantly double guess whether or not he understands and/or is doing what he needs to do. Saying he's difficult or a challenge, is like saying driving without your glasses is challenging. It's almost impossible.
I don't know if I want to be married anymore. To anyone. If I had the money, I'd take off for a few days to a hotel on the beach, that's for damn sure. I almost did last night when I saw my night lamp had been turned off. Honest to goodness.
This rant has worn me out. Rant II will have to wait for another day.
After experiencing some really good months, over a year, of marriage, and being able to rely and depend on my husband in ways I never could before, in the last month or so he has devolved into idiocy, assholery, and his usual state, laziness.
My husband is on the autism spectrum. For a while I thought he had Asperger's, but now I'm not so sure. He's never been assessed, refusing to be assessed, so no one knows just where he falls on the spectrum. He is a very concrete thinker, and because of this, does some weird things sometimes. Things that don't make sense. Recently, as his folks' house over Thanksgiving, he started a fire on a piece of furniture.
His mother asked him to light all the candles in the living room and dining room, and which he did.
As we were waiting for dinner, having coffee or, in my case, champagne, his brother suddenly noticed that the hutch of a dish cabinet was on fire. There was a pair of candles on either side of a mantle clock on the center shelf of the wood hutch. Instead of moving them forward, away from the shelf which partially covered the middle shelf, he lit them and walked away. Within 20 minutes, they had caught the top shelf on fire in both places. Fortunately his brother caught it--flames were shooting out from the middle shelf--got it put out, and put water on it to stop the smoldering.
*ugh*
Lack of common sense? It seems like it, but the reality is, he had been told to light the candles, nothing more. So he did that, and nothing more. That's how his brain works and it's SO frustrating.
About a month ago, a local store had organic free-range chickens, whole chickens, on sale: Buy one get one free. We went over that night and got two--the last two--and some other groceries. We were carrying them and I realized one of the chickens was leaking all over. I didn't want to bring it in the house dripping (salmonella) all over, so I set it down, and asked my husband who was walking past me into the house to get me a fresh bag from under the sink so I could carry it in.
Instead of one of the grocery bags under the sink, he brought me, where I waited in the front yard, a 13 gallon kitchen trash bag. "No!" I said, frustrated. "Just a grocery bag."
"Well, you didn't say grocery bag."
I kept my mouth quiet and came into the house sans dripping chicken to get a bag. I gave him the smaller grocery bag and asked him if he would go retrieve the chicken and bring it in the house while I put the groceries away (something he has trouble doing. He puts things wherever and I can never find them.)
"Where is the chicken?" he asked, despite having walked by me initially and bringing me a trash bag out front.
"By the front door!" I said, exasperated. I then watched in frustrated anger as he went out of the kitchen, into the family room, and out the sliding back door.
"Not that door!" I yelled. "The front door."
"Well, you didn't specify!"
"Why did I have to? You walked by me as I put the chicken on the grass in the front yard, and then brought me a trash bag to the same spot!"
"But you didn't say. I went to the closest door."
"Did you see either me or a chicken at that door?"
"But you didn't specify. You have to be specific with me!"
I yelled back (he was yelling), "I didn't think I had to. You walked by me and the chicken on the front lawn, then brought me a trash bag. Did you at any point see me or the chicken enter or exit the back door?"
"That's not the point, you didn't specify..." and he just continued to argue with me. By this time, I was ready to smother him with a pillow. But I resisted.
To your average person, it would seem like a lack of common sense, and maybe it is, but unless you give him explicit instructions, he'll fuck it up every time.
Him: Where's the dishsoap?
Me: Under the kitchen sink, left side by the sponges, it's pink.
I can't just say "under the sink." He'll start with the closest sink and tell me he can't find it. It's EXHAUSTING.
He's also lazy as hell. I don't think he'd pick up his own dick if it fell on the floor. He won't pick up anything. it doesn't matter how it fell, how it got there, who did it, whatever, he just steps over it an keeps going. It's especially frustrating for me because I have severe back problems and bending over is always painful and lasting.
I've spent most of our marriage wanting to run away, get away. For a long time I thought it was me, my pathological need to run at any problem, but I think I may be wrong. I think it might be my subconscious trying to tell me that I made a huge mistake. I'm still not sure.
We went to his parents for Thanksgiving, and on the long drive home I got thirsty. We were looking for somewhere to have dinner and the areas were unfamiliar to us, and he refused to buy me a $2.00 soda because he "didn't want to buy two drinks." What he meant was a drink now and then a drink wherever we have dinner.
This the guy who steals soda from help-yourself fountains--he pays for a cup, fills it, takes it out to the car and gets his second, empty cup from that location (the car is full of plastic, over-sized fast food cups *UGH*), and fills it up with soda. He'll also stop at that particular fast food place, at another location, and refill that cup without paying. He cannot go anywhere without a big cup of soda in his hand--the store, the doctor, the car, anywhere. If he goes more than five minutes without a drink, he gets crazy. But when I was thirsty and wanted a drink? He refused to buy it for me. I didn't have $2.00 because I don't have an income. I can't believe what an asshole thing that was to do. I'm very pissed about it.
Then, on Monday, he got his check cashed and headed to the biggest city in the area, and that had a Trader Joe's, so I could get some specialty food, especially for Christmas baking, and then to a big grocery store that I like and don't have one by our home, to stock up with things I wasn't able to get. First, I needed to stop at Walmart to pick up a prescription and he needed to get a money order for the rent (landlord's request, M/O only.).
He was to get the money order and meet me at the pharmacy or vice versa, depending on who finished first. Before I even got to the pharmacy, he was behind me pinching my back. "Did you get the money order?"
"Oh, I forgot. I'll get it. I'm hungry."
"There's a grocery store in here, get something to eat."
"OK, I'll meet you back over here."
As I was finishing up in line, paying for my pills and some Christmas candles I'd picked up, he came over saying "I had a chocolate milk."
"Did you get the money order?"
"Oops. I forgot."
*fume*
"Get it now." Our rent was due on the third, the next day, and our landlady is also a teacher AND the union president. "Jane will be expecting it tomorrow." DUH. He felt and does not feel any sense of propriety or urgency regarding rent paying.
So he went over to the money center at Malwart and got into what was now a very long line. I was able to circle the entire store, shopping, looking around, wandering, and he was just at the head of the line when I got back to the front of the store. So about an hour wasted because he couldn't remember to do the one thing he'd gone there for: Get a money order.
So we left, and instead of heading to the freeway to head to the big city, he decides to take back roads that he "saw on a map" which essentially added about an hour to our trip. So we're now about two hours behind schedule. Trader Joe's closes at 9pm, and it's pushing 6pm and we're not even in the same city. My ass started to clench up.
Then he started whining about food and how he'd only had a chocolate milk. "Why didn't you get something at Mallwart?"
"I couldn't find anything."
"It's a grocery store," I said, exasperated. "How about a banana? A chocolate bar? Granola bars?" He had no answer.
Instead, he got off the freeway trying to find a restaurant we had once eaten at during our move. Couldn't find it. So he decides to drive around and see what he can see. It's after 7pm. I suggested fast food. It was payday, and by god he was going to have a decent meal, dammit!
We ended up at a sportsbar chain as he wanted wings, his favorite food, and to watch football. Did he tell me he wanted to do this? No. Because I could have left him there, gone shopping, and picked him up. No, instead he orders about $30- of wings, salad, and a drink, I ordered some jalapeno poppers for an appetizer, I had had some chili before we left (which he won't eat as it had turkey meat in it. Don't even ask.). By the time we finished, it was 8:30. by the time we got to Trader Joe's, it was 8:45. I had fifteen minutes to do a month or more of shopping. FUCK. I was SO pissed. I was so pissed I bought stuff that wasn't even on my list because I wanted HIM to pay for screwing me out of MY time; things like balsamic glaze. I then bought stuff at the big grocery store, taking my time as my husband made trip after trip after trip to the bathroom or to the soda machine. (He has irritable bowel, always exacerbated by fried foods. Doesn't keep him from eating it, tho.).
He also does no housework. he has a full time job and I don't, so fine, I'll do the housework, but he makes not even the tiniest step toward mitigating his messes--dirty dishes go on the sink or counter even if there's room in the dishwasher; dirty clothes go on the floor of "his" bedroom. We have three bedrooms, ea share one and each have a bedroom to do with as we wish. Fine, but if you want your laundry done, you need to pick it up, put it in a basket, and carry it out to the garage. Bad back, here, remember? He puts his dirty lunch dishes--lunches I make. He has to have a hot lunch--on the clean dining room table or on the floor or his folding table desk in the living room. I live with a pig. He's pushing 50. You'd think his frat boy college day slobbiness. Nope. When I go to get in bed at night, typically there are no covers for me. I've asked him to fix the covers before he gets in to make sure I have some covers, and he has no idea what that means. Last night, after I turned on the overhead light after I had turned on my four watt nightstand light so I wouldn't trip later, before a pre-bed shower, and he had turned it back off!!!, I said, "the bed is square, the blankets are square, figure it out."
If the blankets on your side are on the floor, and there are none past the center of the bed toward my side,, what do you think needs to happen? I nearly came out to the living room to sleep in a reclining chair.
I'm so frustrated and so tired and so annoyed having to constantly double guess whether or not he understands and/or is doing what he needs to do. Saying he's difficult or a challenge, is like saying driving without your glasses is challenging. It's almost impossible.
I don't know if I want to be married anymore. To anyone. If I had the money, I'd take off for a few days to a hotel on the beach, that's for damn sure. I almost did last night when I saw my night lamp had been turned off. Honest to goodness.
This rant has worn me out. Rant II will have to wait for another day.
Five Months
A lot can happen in five months. A lot HAS.
I'm not going to detail it--that would take way too much time--so I'm going to put it into a list because I have two blog posts of bitching I want to detail out and post. Let's get started, shall we?
1. In July...my husband's unemployment, our only source of income, was cut off after they decided to do an audit of his account. We survived on donations and weekly church food baskets. We never knew what we were going to get, but someone who donated liked Trader Joe's, and although many of the items were due to expire either the day we received them or within a few days, if we froze them, we could eat them. Other, non-freezable items were eaten first or would abruptly go bad.
The State finally figured it out and got us all caught up at the end of July, in time to pay August rent. Whew.
2. The first week of August, my husband got a job. Finally. At last. No one else wanted it, evidently. It's in a shit town, in a shit location, but at a school that mostly has its act together (he's a teacher), so we had to move. Somewhere we'd never been nor wanted to be, Central California. It's not as bad as I expected, but it's nowhere near what we're accustomed to. We cope.
3. We rented a really nice 3 BR, 2 BA with family room home with a huge yard. It's more than we should be paying on his salary, but we're stuck with a lease so I intend to enjoy our time here.
4. Our former landlord in the redneck, motorcycle headquarters, pot growing,, meth cooking town in the mountains we lived at for 3 months, refused to give us back our deposit saying that the next tenants complained of "cat smell." Hmm. There was no "cat smell" at our condo in Nevada where we lived over 3 years. Huh. We were going to sue then decided to hell with it. Life goes on. $500- flushed.
5. I was SO exhausted by mid-October that I could barely walk. R dragged me to the ER who diagnosed me with anemia. I was put on ferrous sulfate--iron--tables, and within a week I was feeling well enough to actually do stuff, like laundry, showers, and cooking. I continue to feel better and do more every day. I bed I was anemic for a long, long time.
6. My husband makes enough for us to cover our monthly bills, buy groceries and gas for his commute (we didn't want to be anywhere near the shit town he actually works in), but at the end of the month there's not a lot left over. In fact, usually nothing. We have no savings, still.
7. What we do have is AWESOME health insurance. It cannot be overstated how fucking great that is. We are both taking advantage of that and getting stuff taken care of that we let go for too long.
8. Work for me has slowed down, so I've not had much income. I finally got paid for that big job from last summer and we used all of it to move--deposit on house, trip south to look at houses, rental truck, etc. I think I got a pedicure and a purse and the rest was zip, bang, gone for other stuff.
9. I'm no further on any of my writings as I work on getting better, getting our stuff in order, and daily chores of cooking and cleaning. Now I know why we lived in such a mess in Reno; I didn't do any cleaning. My husband wouldn't pick up...well, this is going to be devoted a full post of its own.
10. I am generally at peace with my life. There is more I'd like to have and do--friends, a book group, travel, etc., but in general, I am very comfortable. And I feel safe.
That's it for now. Thanks for hanging in while I went through this time of huge changes.
Peace.
I'm not going to detail it--that would take way too much time--so I'm going to put it into a list because I have two blog posts of bitching I want to detail out and post. Let's get started, shall we?
1. In July...my husband's unemployment, our only source of income, was cut off after they decided to do an audit of his account. We survived on donations and weekly church food baskets. We never knew what we were going to get, but someone who donated liked Trader Joe's, and although many of the items were due to expire either the day we received them or within a few days, if we froze them, we could eat them. Other, non-freezable items were eaten first or would abruptly go bad.
The State finally figured it out and got us all caught up at the end of July, in time to pay August rent. Whew.
2. The first week of August, my husband got a job. Finally. At last. No one else wanted it, evidently. It's in a shit town, in a shit location, but at a school that mostly has its act together (he's a teacher), so we had to move. Somewhere we'd never been nor wanted to be, Central California. It's not as bad as I expected, but it's nowhere near what we're accustomed to. We cope.
3. We rented a really nice 3 BR, 2 BA with family room home with a huge yard. It's more than we should be paying on his salary, but we're stuck with a lease so I intend to enjoy our time here.
4. Our former landlord in the redneck, motorcycle headquarters, pot growing,, meth cooking town in the mountains we lived at for 3 months, refused to give us back our deposit saying that the next tenants complained of "cat smell." Hmm. There was no "cat smell" at our condo in Nevada where we lived over 3 years. Huh. We were going to sue then decided to hell with it. Life goes on. $500- flushed.
5. I was SO exhausted by mid-October that I could barely walk. R dragged me to the ER who diagnosed me with anemia. I was put on ferrous sulfate--iron--tables, and within a week I was feeling well enough to actually do stuff, like laundry, showers, and cooking. I continue to feel better and do more every day. I bed I was anemic for a long, long time.
6. My husband makes enough for us to cover our monthly bills, buy groceries and gas for his commute (we didn't want to be anywhere near the shit town he actually works in), but at the end of the month there's not a lot left over. In fact, usually nothing. We have no savings, still.
7. What we do have is AWESOME health insurance. It cannot be overstated how fucking great that is. We are both taking advantage of that and getting stuff taken care of that we let go for too long.
8. Work for me has slowed down, so I've not had much income. I finally got paid for that big job from last summer and we used all of it to move--deposit on house, trip south to look at houses, rental truck, etc. I think I got a pedicure and a purse and the rest was zip, bang, gone for other stuff.
9. I'm no further on any of my writings as I work on getting better, getting our stuff in order, and daily chores of cooking and cleaning. Now I know why we lived in such a mess in Reno; I didn't do any cleaning. My husband wouldn't pick up...well, this is going to be devoted a full post of its own.
10. I am generally at peace with my life. There is more I'd like to have and do--friends, a book group, travel, etc., but in general, I am very comfortable. And I feel safe.
That's it for now. Thanks for hanging in while I went through this time of huge changes.
Peace.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Just...
I'm so tired.
And achy.
And broke.
I've been waiting for my husband to step up to the employment / income plate, but it's just not happening. I don't know why. He's had a lot, A LOT of interviews, but no offers.
I'm thinking....I may have to get an actual go-to-the-office (or coffee stand? or retail outlet?) to make some money because man...things are bad here. But honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to hold down something full-time. Maybe I could do it for a short time?
I've got several thousand dollars in the freelance pipeline, but who knows when I'll get it? We need it NOW.
I'm tired of picking through the couch cushions for change because we're out of milk. This is no way to live in a first-world nation.
I'm so tired.
And achy.
And broke.
I've been waiting for my husband to step up to the employment / income plate, but it's just not happening. I don't know why. He's had a lot, A LOT of interviews, but no offers.
I'm thinking....I may have to get an actual go-to-the-office (or coffee stand? or retail outlet?) to make some money because man...things are bad here. But honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to hold down something full-time. Maybe I could do it for a short time?
I've got several thousand dollars in the freelance pipeline, but who knows when I'll get it? We need it NOW.
I'm tired of picking through the couch cushions for change because we're out of milk. This is no way to live in a first-world nation.
I'm so tired.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
*Sigh*
I didn't realize I hadn't posted here since May. Lots going on. But mostly I came to bitch and whine about the company I do work for.
On June 21, I sent an invoice for the end of a project. It was worth $1300-. On July 12th, I was looking for the email with the invoice to determine what date I had sent it, and should I start looking for a check. I found the email, but nothing was attached!! (I later found a second email with the invoice attached.) So I emailed the owner of the company who told me, "I'm just doing invoicing today (July 16)."
Huh?
Turns out, the owner's computer had died and had been in the shop for three weeks, and they had been unable to retrieve any email. Despite having an iPad, an iPhone, a Kindle, a Nook, and a netbook. I don't get it either. If your computer died, wouldn't you let your employees and friends know that you're unreachable, and anything important they sent they need to re-send? These same owners also like to go out of town or vacation or otherwise out of touch but never tell us in advance.
So my invoice was just billed on Tuesday. July 16. Almost a month later. Uh...yeah.
Also, just found out the company had a contest with the winner getting editing, e-conversion, and print layout for free. No, no one told me. The contest was held in Texas by another one of our contractor's (like me). Huh. And one of my big clients with this company, was complaining to me about the poor communication taking place at the organization. Uh, yeah. He wants me to keep doing work for him, but I have a non-compete contract right now. It expires in January. We'll see how it goes.
Then....a new client a friend brought to me--so I want to make a good impression, right?--I've been pestering the owner for a contract for this guy for over six weeks. Probably more like eight. In addition to the six weeks we made the client, who is in his 80s!, wait for a decision as to whether or not we would accept his project. A month for the first publisher who then told me the second also need to approve it (since when?). Another three more weeks. The poor guy. What the fuck?
The client is so pissed, he wants me to handle it and not go through this other company who I am contracted with. I honestly can't blame him.
This happened at the same time as my husband's state un employ ment claim was halted while they wait to interview him some time next week. No warning. So we have $0- money right now. We got some food at a food bank and a church last week, or we'd be eating canned corn and tomato puree. Seriously. Is there ever a bad time to have your money fucked up? But when we're both fucked up at the same time? It's just not good.
So. I took an opionion poll of smart people who I trust, and I think in 2014, providing I meet some milestones, I am going to start my own business. I cannot rely on such unstable, badly managed business practices. I know it's not done with malice, but simply by an overwhelming amount of work, but it doesn't work for me. I'll continue working for this company, but my plan is to have my primary income come from my clients. It's time.
I'll be back after it cools off. Yuck. Hot.
Huh?
Turns out, the owner's computer had died and had been in the shop for three weeks, and they had been unable to retrieve any email. Despite having an iPad, an iPhone, a Kindle, a Nook, and a netbook. I don't get it either. If your computer died, wouldn't you let your employees and friends know that you're unreachable, and anything important they sent they need to re-send? These same owners also like to go out of town or vacation or otherwise out of touch but never tell us in advance.
So my invoice was just billed on Tuesday. July 16. Almost a month later. Uh...yeah.
Also, just found out the company had a contest with the winner getting editing, e-conversion, and print layout for free. No, no one told me. The contest was held in Texas by another one of our contractor's (like me). Huh. And one of my big clients with this company, was complaining to me about the poor communication taking place at the organization. Uh, yeah. He wants me to keep doing work for him, but I have a non-compete contract right now. It expires in January. We'll see how it goes.
Then....a new client a friend brought to me--so I want to make a good impression, right?--I've been pestering the owner for a contract for this guy for over six weeks. Probably more like eight. In addition to the six weeks we made the client, who is in his 80s!, wait for a decision as to whether or not we would accept his project. A month for the first publisher who then told me the second also need to approve it (since when?). Another three more weeks. The poor guy. What the fuck?
The client is so pissed, he wants me to handle it and not go through this other company who I am contracted with. I honestly can't blame him.
This happened at the same time as my husband's state un employ ment claim was halted while they wait to interview him some time next week. No warning. So we have $0- money right now. We got some food at a food bank and a church last week, or we'd be eating canned corn and tomato puree. Seriously. Is there ever a bad time to have your money fucked up? But when we're both fucked up at the same time? It's just not good.
So. I took an opionion poll of smart people who I trust, and I think in 2014, providing I meet some milestones, I am going to start my own business. I cannot rely on such unstable, badly managed business practices. I know it's not done with malice, but simply by an overwhelming amount of work, but it doesn't work for me. I'll continue working for this company, but my plan is to have my primary income come from my clients. It's time.
I'll be back after it cools off. Yuck. Hot.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
So when you're preparing to sit your significant other or spouse down to have a "come to Jesus" conversation, do you tell them you have a Plan B and what it is? I'm thinking not.
So very angry and upset.
So very angry and upset.
Friday, May 17, 2013
So you want to freelance...
It is not for the faint of heart or the poor. Last year I made just under $10,000 freelancing, mostly for a small press I have a contract with--so not an employee--but a few outside clients, too.
It's May 17th, and so far this year I've made $1500-. Uh, yeah.
Part of the reason that I freelance, is because my health is not that good, and I often feel unwell, more than I feel well, and I don't feel capable of holding down a full-time job. Also? The last few corporate jobs I had made me cry. A lot. So I don't care if I have to live in my car, I'll never have one of those jobs again.
I can do this because my husband works. Although not for the last 11 months after being laid off, although he does receive unemployment, our primary income at the moment. Our rent takes 50% of his unemployment check. If we could afford it, we'd move somewhere cheaper.
He's currently interviewing, nearly one interview a week or more. This after months of no calls to interview. *pleaselordlethimgetajob* He's also helping a friend start a business, so while he only gets reimbursed for gas right now, he is building a lot of sweat equity, learning a new business, meeting people in the business, and may be headed for a totally different career path. I hope so, too for his well-being and for our bank accounts. Being unemployed is hard on a man. So much of their self-esteem is built into their work, and they are raised, or were in my hubs generation, to "take care of their families." So there is a lot of guilt and confidence-loss when he can't do that.
So the money I'm going to make now is not a lot. Not in the scheme of things. But it is a lot of money at one time. We're talking about just under $3K. Part of which I have to pay back to my briend for the loan last week. So I have an opportunity to put some in savings, pay some bills, get some things done like computer repairs, renew my Carbonite subscription (which just expired this week), and other things. We're making a list, and those important things are going to be handled first. This is the reality of a freelancer. My truth is that I'm grateful to get what little I do get. I am seriously not that well, physically. What little I do work at home, which fluctuates from *HURRY*NOW* to nothing, is about all I can handle, physically.
So if you want to freelance, you need to consider your reasons for doing so. What will you benefit from it? Working at home? Being your own boss? Taking as little or as much work as you like? Do you want to supplement an income or have it as your primary income? Do you have an alternate income source or savings that can help you survive until you build your client base? These are all things you need to think about.
I do it because...
1. I enjoy it;
2. I can work at home;
3. On my own schedule--if I don't feel well, I can stay in bed longer or all day if I want;
4. The extra income on top of my husband's is very nice;
5. Did I mention it's fun?
These are all things you need to think about, maybe write down and come back to them later. Most importantly, you have to be honest about why you want to freelance.
Good luck.
It's May 17th, and so far this year I've made $1500-. Uh, yeah.
Part of the reason that I freelance, is because my health is not that good, and I often feel unwell, more than I feel well, and I don't feel capable of holding down a full-time job. Also? The last few corporate jobs I had made me cry. A lot. So I don't care if I have to live in my car, I'll never have one of those jobs again.
I can do this because my husband works. Although not for the last 11 months after being laid off, although he does receive unemployment, our primary income at the moment. Our rent takes 50% of his unemployment check. If we could afford it, we'd move somewhere cheaper.
He's currently interviewing, nearly one interview a week or more. This after months of no calls to interview. *pleaselordlethimgetajob* He's also helping a friend start a business, so while he only gets reimbursed for gas right now, he is building a lot of sweat equity, learning a new business, meeting people in the business, and may be headed for a totally different career path. I hope so, too for his well-being and for our bank accounts. Being unemployed is hard on a man. So much of their self-esteem is built into their work, and they are raised, or were in my hubs generation, to "take care of their families." So there is a lot of guilt and confidence-loss when he can't do that.
So the money I'm going to make now is not a lot. Not in the scheme of things. But it is a lot of money at one time. We're talking about just under $3K. Part of which I have to pay back to my briend for the loan last week. So I have an opportunity to put some in savings, pay some bills, get some things done like computer repairs, renew my Carbonite subscription (which just expired this week), and other things. We're making a list, and those important things are going to be handled first. This is the reality of a freelancer. My truth is that I'm grateful to get what little I do get. I am seriously not that well, physically. What little I do work at home, which fluctuates from *HURRY*NOW* to nothing, is about all I can handle, physically.
So if you want to freelance, you need to consider your reasons for doing so. What will you benefit from it? Working at home? Being your own boss? Taking as little or as much work as you like? Do you want to supplement an income or have it as your primary income? Do you have an alternate income source or savings that can help you survive until you build your client base? These are all things you need to think about.
I do it because...
1. I enjoy it;
2. I can work at home;
3. On my own schedule--if I don't feel well, I can stay in bed longer or all day if I want;
4. The extra income on top of my husband's is very nice;
5. Did I mention it's fun?
These are all things you need to think about, maybe write down and come back to them later. Most importantly, you have to be honest about why you want to freelance.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I Gotta Laugh
I haven't posted here much lately because I've been busy working. I'm actually doing some writing...yeah, who knew? Turns out? I can actually write. :-P I'm writing articles and getting paid by the article. So far, I'm liking it.
I'm also trying to finish up this major, major project that I've been working on since the first week of March. I received an advance for it and about 2 1/2 weeks ago, my briend said she thought it was time to bill. Enough time and work had passed and been done that she thought it was time--when I'm finished, we'll bill for the rest. "Please send me an invoice" she asked. Within ten minutes I had an invoice created from the Excel spreadsheet I use to keep track of hours worked and some notes for myself, and I emailed it over.
Two weeks passed. I know this client is not broke and also likes to pay his bills on time, so I was a little concerned when I heard nothing and no check came in the mail. I'm trying *trying* so hard to be less money-focused or materialistic, but hey, bills still gotta be paid, knowhatImsayin'? And also we needed money for my husband to go on an important trip. So I sent over an email last Thursday.
"Hey, uh, has John (not his name) paid his invoice, yet?
The response:
"Oh, I was just going to nudge you about that. I still need an invoice from you."
_crickets_
WTF? Right?
So instead of blowing my top or losing it, I just wrote back, "I emailed it to you two weeks ago; did you not get it?"
Response:
"Oh Crap!! I am so sorry!!!"
And then this:
"You can borrow my credit card if you need to!"
This time? I said yes. So I got some money PayPal'd over to me via her credit card and it will be deducted from my billed invoice when the client pays.
And we had a good talk after and she genuinely felt bad. Which is what I've been saying all along--not a bad person, just a bad businesswoman.
So I resent my invoice, added the additional hours I've worked on the project, and sent it over last Thursday. Hopefully the client was billed before my briend went out of town for the week. Even though they have a bookkeeper, my briend signs all the checks, so she won't be able to sign anything made out to me until next week. So more waiting. This time, the check is in four figures. I've done a lot of work. I've stretched, I've stepped over the edge and not fallen, I've grown, I've learned. Those are powerful things. And I get paid for it. Life is good.
I'm also trying to finish up this major, major project that I've been working on since the first week of March. I received an advance for it and about 2 1/2 weeks ago, my briend said she thought it was time to bill. Enough time and work had passed and been done that she thought it was time--when I'm finished, we'll bill for the rest. "Please send me an invoice" she asked. Within ten minutes I had an invoice created from the Excel spreadsheet I use to keep track of hours worked and some notes for myself, and I emailed it over.
Two weeks passed. I know this client is not broke and also likes to pay his bills on time, so I was a little concerned when I heard nothing and no check came in the mail. I'm trying *trying* so hard to be less money-focused or materialistic, but hey, bills still gotta be paid, knowhatImsayin'? And also we needed money for my husband to go on an important trip. So I sent over an email last Thursday.
"Hey, uh, has John (not his name) paid his invoice, yet?
The response:
"Oh, I was just going to nudge you about that. I still need an invoice from you."
_crickets_
WTF? Right?
So instead of blowing my top or losing it, I just wrote back, "I emailed it to you two weeks ago; did you not get it?"
Response:
"Oh Crap!! I am so sorry!!!"
And then this:
"You can borrow my credit card if you need to!"
This time? I said yes. So I got some money PayPal'd over to me via her credit card and it will be deducted from my billed invoice when the client pays.
And we had a good talk after and she genuinely felt bad. Which is what I've been saying all along--not a bad person, just a bad businesswoman.
So I resent my invoice, added the additional hours I've worked on the project, and sent it over last Thursday. Hopefully the client was billed before my briend went out of town for the week. Even though they have a bookkeeper, my briend signs all the checks, so she won't be able to sign anything made out to me until next week. So more waiting. This time, the check is in four figures. I've done a lot of work. I've stretched, I've stepped over the edge and not fallen, I've grown, I've learned. Those are powerful things. And I get paid for it. Life is good.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
No Surprise
I had to file an extension for our taxes. Why? The primary reason was that we couldn't afford to buy the software to do our taxes (work and home combined, $80- for TurboTax), but the secondary reason was that I hadn't received my 1099 from the company I've done work for the last two years.
Last year, I didn't get one at all. I added it as "income for which I did not receive a 1099", and I had to guesstimate the amount. This year? My 1099 was sent out--put in the mail--on April 11. I am not kidding. According to a friend who has been self-employed for years, 1099's are due at the end of February.
Uh, yeah.
I'm really torn about working for this company. I've learned an awful lot; they are nice people; I've met a lot of terrific writers; I have learned how to, and loved, working at home on my own schedule; but...they are really lousy businesspeople. Really lousy.
One of the owners does so much "free" work (yeah, she doesn't charge) that I can't believe she made any money last year. I even got roped into proofreading a manuscript this week because the author is in her 80s. This is my second time around with the manuscript. I put in a lot of hours for it and never got reimbursed. Of course, I agreed to it, but who turns down an 80-something-year-old lady who is publishing her memoirs? But I can't tell you how many hours I've worked and didn't get paid for this and other gigs.
I think it's time--sometime this year--to branch out on my own. I may or may not be successful, but working for this company--not the people, the company--makes me very frustrated.
My husband has a job interview, well, he's been selected for the process, he'll be notified when interviews start at a later date. When he mentioned the location, I got very excited. It's a place I like very much but have never lived before. It's a place I could see myself living for a long time. I got so excited I looked on Craigslist and home rental prices are extremely affordable and reasonable. We've even talked about moving there even if he doesn't get the job. I'm totally on board with that. We'll see how it shakes out.
In the meantime, I hope to get our taxes done this month. I doubt we'll have a refund, and will probably owe. *ouch* Except for last year, we've owed them every year since 2007, so what the hell. Also, if we do move, there is an organization that I've been interested in working for for a long time. So, we'll see. *fingerscrossed*
***
As an aside, I read an article about Asperger's people in the workplace. The guy writing it had a son with Asperger's. He'd promised to help his son build a snowman. He said as soon as he was done with what he was doing, he would come help him. A short time later, the son came into his office, panicked, because the snowman was melting. Turns out, he had built it in his bedroom because it was too cold to be outside. It made sense to him.
I SO totally get this. This is what my husband does. I asked him to retrieve a couple cases of Coke Zero out of the car once. I couldn't find it. I looked and looked and finally gave up (he was gone somewhere). I finally found them. In front of the fireplace. Just...odd. They make these weird or extreme jumps in logic, which, can be looked at as being extremely logical. Too cold to play in the snow outside? Bring the snow to your room. Logically it makes sense. Literally, it does not because now you've got snow, wet, and mud in your house, which, if not taken care of, especially with carpet, can turn into mold, then you've got a really bad problem.
Regardless, I find it very difficult to communicate with Aspergians.
Last year, I didn't get one at all. I added it as "income for which I did not receive a 1099", and I had to guesstimate the amount. This year? My 1099 was sent out--put in the mail--on April 11. I am not kidding. According to a friend who has been self-employed for years, 1099's are due at the end of February.
Uh, yeah.
I'm really torn about working for this company. I've learned an awful lot; they are nice people; I've met a lot of terrific writers; I have learned how to, and loved, working at home on my own schedule; but...they are really lousy businesspeople. Really lousy.
One of the owners does so much "free" work (yeah, she doesn't charge) that I can't believe she made any money last year. I even got roped into proofreading a manuscript this week because the author is in her 80s. This is my second time around with the manuscript. I put in a lot of hours for it and never got reimbursed. Of course, I agreed to it, but who turns down an 80-something-year-old lady who is publishing her memoirs? But I can't tell you how many hours I've worked and didn't get paid for this and other gigs.
I think it's time--sometime this year--to branch out on my own. I may or may not be successful, but working for this company--not the people, the company--makes me very frustrated.
My husband has a job interview, well, he's been selected for the process, he'll be notified when interviews start at a later date. When he mentioned the location, I got very excited. It's a place I like very much but have never lived before. It's a place I could see myself living for a long time. I got so excited I looked on Craigslist and home rental prices are extremely affordable and reasonable. We've even talked about moving there even if he doesn't get the job. I'm totally on board with that. We'll see how it shakes out.
In the meantime, I hope to get our taxes done this month. I doubt we'll have a refund, and will probably owe. *ouch* Except for last year, we've owed them every year since 2007, so what the hell. Also, if we do move, there is an organization that I've been interested in working for for a long time. So, we'll see. *fingerscrossed*
***
As an aside, I read an article about Asperger's people in the workplace. The guy writing it had a son with Asperger's. He'd promised to help his son build a snowman. He said as soon as he was done with what he was doing, he would come help him. A short time later, the son came into his office, panicked, because the snowman was melting. Turns out, he had built it in his bedroom because it was too cold to be outside. It made sense to him.
I SO totally get this. This is what my husband does. I asked him to retrieve a couple cases of Coke Zero out of the car once. I couldn't find it. I looked and looked and finally gave up (he was gone somewhere). I finally found them. In front of the fireplace. Just...odd. They make these weird or extreme jumps in logic, which, can be looked at as being extremely logical. Too cold to play in the snow outside? Bring the snow to your room. Logically it makes sense. Literally, it does not because now you've got snow, wet, and mud in your house, which, if not taken care of, especially with carpet, can turn into mold, then you've got a really bad problem.
Regardless, I find it very difficult to communicate with Aspergians.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sadness
This weekend was difficult. We're completely broke, we had no money to do anything, or even go anywhere, because we had no gas to put in the car. So I sat in front of my computer and later my Kindle as I sat through a blizzard of The Walking Dead episodes. I watched two season in 2 1/2 days. Season 3 is not free, so I'll have to wait to see that.
And as I sat here, like a prisoner waiting for their release date, memories came flooding back to me. Bad memories. Things I'd forgotten about, intentionally. And I cried more than once. My life has had a lot of bad times, scary times, things have happened based on stupidity, dumb luck, cruelty, and often just the randomness of the universe. And I am a very emotional person. Things bother me and hurt me that don't bother or hurt the average person. I spend a lot of my time being angry because that keeps the hurt away, locked up, closed down. Anger keeps me from completely collapsing.
This is no way to live. I started planning my death. There's a lot of things to think about if you are going to check out. Family. Friends. Pets. Wills. Who finds the body? Would I rot and smell? I hear most bodies evacuate themselves (think orifices) when the body dies. That sounds kind of disgusting. Then death arrangements. I want to be cremated. I absolutely do not want to be embalmed, put in a box, and buried. No. Absolutely not. There's a lot of things to think about if you're going to die.
I'd like to see Christmas one more time. This last one sucked so badly that I'm trying to block that memory out. I'd like to have a real Christmas--gifts, baking, lights, ornaments, visiting family and friends (if I had any). Maybe that's a dream, too.
I'm a miserable sad person, and it's getting harder and harder for me to give a shit about anything.
And as I sat here, like a prisoner waiting for their release date, memories came flooding back to me. Bad memories. Things I'd forgotten about, intentionally. And I cried more than once. My life has had a lot of bad times, scary times, things have happened based on stupidity, dumb luck, cruelty, and often just the randomness of the universe. And I am a very emotional person. Things bother me and hurt me that don't bother or hurt the average person. I spend a lot of my time being angry because that keeps the hurt away, locked up, closed down. Anger keeps me from completely collapsing.
This is no way to live. I started planning my death. There's a lot of things to think about if you are going to check out. Family. Friends. Pets. Wills. Who finds the body? Would I rot and smell? I hear most bodies evacuate themselves (think orifices) when the body dies. That sounds kind of disgusting. Then death arrangements. I want to be cremated. I absolutely do not want to be embalmed, put in a box, and buried. No. Absolutely not. There's a lot of things to think about if you're going to die.
I'd like to see Christmas one more time. This last one sucked so badly that I'm trying to block that memory out. I'd like to have a real Christmas--gifts, baking, lights, ornaments, visiting family and friends (if I had any). Maybe that's a dream, too.
I'm a miserable sad person, and it's getting harder and harder for me to give a shit about anything.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, I Totally Lost My Shit
My husband is...difficult. He is on the autism spectrum. Knowing that does not make it any easier to interact with him. Last Friday I completely lost my mind I was so frustrated with him. I was so angry and pushed so far, one more time, that I could have put my fist through the car window, but I didn't.
This is how it went down. I sent him a link to a house I wanted to look at to consider renting. As I walked by the dining room, I see a picture of the house I wanted him to look at on his computer screen. The next day, while on the way to what I think is the house in the link I sent, it turns out He never even opened the link.
While we're tooling down the freeway through the mountains on my way to a doctor appointment, I ask my husband about where we're going after that.
"So do you know how to get to that house on X Street?"
"What house on X Street?"
"I sent you the link."
"I couldn't find it."
"What do you mean? Was the link broken?"
"I thought I could find it on Craigslist."
"That's why I sent you the link."
"Well, I thought I could find it. It wasn't under ABC city housing."
"That's because it was on JKL city housing. Why didn't you just click on the link? Wouldn't that have been easier?"
"I looked for it but I couldn't find it!"
"That's why I sent you the link."
"I thought I could find it under housing for ABC city."
"So do you not click on links I send you? Or just this one?"
"No, I thought I could find it!"
Now he's shouting at me.
"If you're going to yell at me, just pull over and let me out at the next (freeway) exit."
"I told you I couldn't find it!"
"But I sent you the link straight to it--you didn't have to search for it. I don't understand. So if you didn't look at the link, where the hell are we going, now?"
"We're going to 123 location."
"What? I don't even know where that is. You didn't mention it to me."
"Yes, I did. The blue house."
"What blue house?"
And so on until I'm ready to get out of the car and start walking. In the mountains. Which have snow on them.
Finally, screaming, I throw my travel mug of coffee at the dash and splattered us both with hot coffee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" I screamed!!! :Pull over! Let me out! I can't take it any more!! I swear to G*D, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who doesn't even speak English!! I tell you things and you ignore them or assume you know better!!!!"
"It's just a goddamn link...."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!! NO!! This is my life, every five minutes!! I have to explain and explain and explain over and over and over again!! I can't take it anymmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
And then quiet.
"I'm done. I can't live with you any longer. I can't take it."
So my marriage is falling apart. It's been falling for a while, I just haven't had the money to get away. I still don't. If I did, I would be gone, already.
He's not a bad man. He genuinely, with all his heart, loves me. And I love him. He's kind, not judgemental, interesting, and fun when we go places and do things together. But living with him is a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. But how do I get away? I have no savings, no assets, hell, I don't even have a car that runs. I'm trapped.
Lord help me.
I spent a large portion of yesterday considering if I should go to the ER and turn myself in because I was suicidal. I can't live this way anymore.
This is how it went down. I sent him a link to a house I wanted to look at to consider renting. As I walked by the dining room, I see a picture of the house I wanted him to look at on his computer screen. The next day, while on the way to what I think is the house in the link I sent, it turns out He never even opened the link.
While we're tooling down the freeway through the mountains on my way to a doctor appointment, I ask my husband about where we're going after that.
"So do you know how to get to that house on X Street?"
"What house on X Street?"
"I sent you the link."
"I couldn't find it."
"What do you mean? Was the link broken?"
"I thought I could find it on Craigslist."
"That's why I sent you the link."
"Well, I thought I could find it. It wasn't under ABC city housing."
"That's because it was on JKL city housing. Why didn't you just click on the link? Wouldn't that have been easier?"
"I looked for it but I couldn't find it!"
"That's why I sent you the link."
"I thought I could find it under housing for ABC city."
"So do you not click on links I send you? Or just this one?"
"No, I thought I could find it!"
Now he's shouting at me.
"If you're going to yell at me, just pull over and let me out at the next (freeway) exit."
"I told you I couldn't find it!"
"But I sent you the link straight to it--you didn't have to search for it. I don't understand. So if you didn't look at the link, where the hell are we going, now?"
"We're going to 123 location."
"What? I don't even know where that is. You didn't mention it to me."
"Yes, I did. The blue house."
"What blue house?"
And so on until I'm ready to get out of the car and start walking. In the mountains. Which have snow on them.
Finally, screaming, I throw my travel mug of coffee at the dash and splattered us both with hot coffee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" I screamed!!! :Pull over! Let me out! I can't take it any more!! I swear to G*D, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who doesn't even speak English!! I tell you things and you ignore them or assume you know better!!!!"
"It's just a goddamn link...."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!! NO!! This is my life, every five minutes!! I have to explain and explain and explain over and over and over again!! I can't take it anymmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
And then quiet.
"I'm done. I can't live with you any longer. I can't take it."
So my marriage is falling apart. It's been falling for a while, I just haven't had the money to get away. I still don't. If I did, I would be gone, already.
He's not a bad man. He genuinely, with all his heart, loves me. And I love him. He's kind, not judgemental, interesting, and fun when we go places and do things together. But living with him is a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. But how do I get away? I have no savings, no assets, hell, I don't even have a car that runs. I'm trapped.
Lord help me.
I spent a large portion of yesterday considering if I should go to the ER and turn myself in because I was suicidal. I can't live this way anymore.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Freelancing: Up- and Down-sides
I've been freelancing, basically, doing different things, since about 2008. It does have its up sides, clearly, or I wouldn't be doing it. So I want to just go over a few things before I get to my main bellyache today. Bear with me.
So on the up side, I can:
--Make my own schedule (for the most part, but varies by client)
--Work from home
--Work in my pajamas
--Few to no phone calls (I hate talking on the phone. Hate.)
--No wasted time or expenses driving to work (or on wardrobe, either.)
--The only person I answer to is the client (and my conscience)
But the downsides? I didn't think getting screwed by a "friend" was one of them. But first, let me list the down sides:
--Work from home on your own schedule. If you're not self-motivating, this won't work for you. It took me about a year to really get it down, and that involved making lists and using Outlook calender for reminders.
--Solitude--no interaction with others. Even a loner like me still likes to hang out once in a while with others.
--No steady paycheck or benefits like paid holidays or health insurance
--You're "always" at work if you're reachable by phone, email, or text. I've answered client questions while sitting in the doctor's office.
So those are the big ones. So I've bellyached on here before about not getting paid promptly by one of my clients. I'm not going to revisit that subject again.
But today I was gobsmacked by the reaction of a friend who I did some work for recently. I've worked on projects for her before, but this was the first one that was of this size. I made things easy for her. I said she could make payments, and I would charge her a flat fee no matter how long it took me to edit her manuscript, printed out on paper and marked up with pencil--her choice.
She said she would mail it to me at the beginning of November, then the end of November, and then well, she wasn't sure. I had lots of time in November and December, notsomuch in January when she decided to send it to me.
About ten days after I'd received it--and when I was slammed with work--she wanted to know if she could have it by the weekend because she wanted to submit it to a publisher and they had a deadline. I told her there was no way I could get it done by then--reminding her that I had time in Nov and Dec, but that January was exceptionally busy and that we'd talked about that--so I also told her if she needed it back that quickly, I would go ahead and refund her deposit ($100-), and mail back the ms. She demurred and I got the manuscript to her by the following weekend.
So I said as long as she paid me something every month, we were good. Well, yesterday I was sitting here, and I realized it had been a while since she'd sent a payment. So I checked my PayPal account, and I was right; it was over a month. So I sent her a friendly e-mail, how's it going, how is the book going? When will you publish? Yada yada, and oh yeah, by the way, do you think you could let me know when I might expect the next payment?
Holy cow! Fireworks and brimstone!! She chewed my butt, but good! "...I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm having trouble making my bils...property taxes are coming due...tax refund....blahdy blah."
Wow. I did not expect that. But here's what she doesn't get: If she couldn't afford me, she shouldn't have hired me. Also, if her boss told her, "well, Jane (not her name), the balloon payment on the building you work in is due this month, so we'll need to delay payroll until after we do our taxes...." How well do you think she might have been understanding or forgiving? None, right? Well, this is my job. This is what I do. And when my clients can't pay me? I can't pay my bills either. *fume*
I wrote her back and told her, but in much nicer and more courteous terms, "Yeah, I get it," basically, because I do, but that is not the point. Because she's my friend, she thinks she can push me to the end of the line, that I matter less than her other bills. And yes, I understand that when you're trying to pay a $1000 bill budget with only $800 in the bank, sometimes some juggling and creative financing has to take place. Hell, if we didn't have a nice landlady, we'd be living in our car, seriously. She's working with us on catching up on back rent. Thank Gawd!
But seriously I expect this kind of behavior from corporations or other non-human entities--it's not personal, it's business--but from my friend? I admit to being surprised. But here's the deal, now: I won't work on another project for her. Period. Done. I will never have time or be available for her, so she'll have to go somewhere else and pay retail. And all because she couldn't play nice. That's too bad. Perhaps if she'd been a little more proactive, or apologetic, or friendlier, something, I wouldn't be having this bitch session. KnowhatImsayin'?
So on the up side, I can:
--Make my own schedule (for the most part, but varies by client)
--Work from home
--Work in my pajamas
--Few to no phone calls (I hate talking on the phone. Hate.)
--No wasted time or expenses driving to work (or on wardrobe, either.)
--The only person I answer to is the client (and my conscience)
But the downsides? I didn't think getting screwed by a "friend" was one of them. But first, let me list the down sides:
--Work from home on your own schedule. If you're not self-motivating, this won't work for you. It took me about a year to really get it down, and that involved making lists and using Outlook calender for reminders.
--Solitude--no interaction with others. Even a loner like me still likes to hang out once in a while with others.
--No steady paycheck or benefits like paid holidays or health insurance
--You're "always" at work if you're reachable by phone, email, or text. I've answered client questions while sitting in the doctor's office.
So those are the big ones. So I've bellyached on here before about not getting paid promptly by one of my clients. I'm not going to revisit that subject again.
But today I was gobsmacked by the reaction of a friend who I did some work for recently. I've worked on projects for her before, but this was the first one that was of this size. I made things easy for her. I said she could make payments, and I would charge her a flat fee no matter how long it took me to edit her manuscript, printed out on paper and marked up with pencil--her choice.
She said she would mail it to me at the beginning of November, then the end of November, and then well, she wasn't sure. I had lots of time in November and December, notsomuch in January when she decided to send it to me.
About ten days after I'd received it--and when I was slammed with work--she wanted to know if she could have it by the weekend because she wanted to submit it to a publisher and they had a deadline. I told her there was no way I could get it done by then--reminding her that I had time in Nov and Dec, but that January was exceptionally busy and that we'd talked about that--so I also told her if she needed it back that quickly, I would go ahead and refund her deposit ($100-), and mail back the ms. She demurred and I got the manuscript to her by the following weekend.
So I said as long as she paid me something every month, we were good. Well, yesterday I was sitting here, and I realized it had been a while since she'd sent a payment. So I checked my PayPal account, and I was right; it was over a month. So I sent her a friendly e-mail, how's it going, how is the book going? When will you publish? Yada yada, and oh yeah, by the way, do you think you could let me know when I might expect the next payment?
Holy cow! Fireworks and brimstone!! She chewed my butt, but good! "...I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm having trouble making my bils...property taxes are coming due...tax refund....blahdy blah."
Wow. I did not expect that. But here's what she doesn't get: If she couldn't afford me, she shouldn't have hired me. Also, if her boss told her, "well, Jane (not her name), the balloon payment on the building you work in is due this month, so we'll need to delay payroll until after we do our taxes...." How well do you think she might have been understanding or forgiving? None, right? Well, this is my job. This is what I do. And when my clients can't pay me? I can't pay my bills either. *fume*
I wrote her back and told her, but in much nicer and more courteous terms, "Yeah, I get it," basically, because I do, but that is not the point. Because she's my friend, she thinks she can push me to the end of the line, that I matter less than her other bills. And yes, I understand that when you're trying to pay a $1000 bill budget with only $800 in the bank, sometimes some juggling and creative financing has to take place. Hell, if we didn't have a nice landlady, we'd be living in our car, seriously. She's working with us on catching up on back rent. Thank Gawd!
But seriously I expect this kind of behavior from corporations or other non-human entities--it's not personal, it's business--but from my friend? I admit to being surprised. But here's the deal, now: I won't work on another project for her. Period. Done. I will never have time or be available for her, so she'll have to go somewhere else and pay retail. And all because she couldn't play nice. That's too bad. Perhaps if she'd been a little more proactive, or apologetic, or friendlier, something, I wouldn't be having this bitch session. KnowhatImsayin'?
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Same Shit, Different Day
Question: If you're hired by a company to do a job, and the client does not pay their invoice, should the contracted person who did all the work be paid by the company? Or does the company wait until the client pays for work done?
I would really like to know the answer to this question. Particularly since an unnamed company that I do business with never asks for a deposit (which I think is bad business.).
I've got two outstanding jobs that I've not been paid for because the client fell on hard times and the owners are "cutting them a break."
Peeps, we're on food stamps. Last month our rent was paid for by a federal agency that helps people find work, as was our gas/electric bill. Both of those are one-time shots, no repeats. My husband's un-employment insurance amount was cut to $53- a week, from the maximum, with no warning, just before Christmas. It has to do with federal extensions, and tiers, it's so complicated, that the judge who listened to his appeal a few weeks ago (by phone) isn't sure what the correct answer is, and needs to "research it." Really.
We're struggling here. I get it. But at the time the people hired the company I'm contracted with for services, they had or thought they had the money, so why not ask for a deposit up front? I could really use $176- (for one project), and I-don't-know-how-much for the second because no one can tell me how much I should be getting paid for what I did (we have a spread sheet for payments, but this particular project is not listed on the spreadsheet). I've asked several times and never gotten an answer other than "don't worry, you'll be paid." Except, that I haven't. *ahem*
I really enjoy what I do. I love working from home. I work with nice people. They're making a name for themselves in the industry. But. Their business model is shit. I wish I could just walk away--"call me when you get the business side of your business figured out. K. Thanks." I really do.
Honestly, tell me the truth--have you ever heard of a business model like that? If the client doesn't pay, fuck you to the person who did all the work? I understand that can happen when you freelance, but when I'm contracted through a second party corporation? I don't get it.
My husband's un-employment insurance payments are "supposed"--I say "supposed" with my fingers, toes, and eyes all crossed, because if there is any government agency that knows how to fuck up, it's this one--to go back up, next week. Back to the maximum. If it does, hallelujah, huzzah, we are saved! If not? Well, we'll be living in our van. With our pets. And frankly, it's so packed in here, now--we took our stuff out of storage and put it all over the house because we didn't have the $50- to pay for it--and I feel like I live at the dump. I'd like to do a Thelma and Louise and just take off (not over the edge, but, somewhere, anywhere but here. KnowhatImsayin'?
And the family member who was arrested, all they do is mope around, whine, clutch their chest, and rend their garments like the second coming of Hitler was upon us, and is not functioning that well just on a day-to-day basis. And yeah, suicide threats. (Enough, already, Jeesuz.) I only have so much patience, I'm a human being, I don't have all the answers. And the professionals? Not helping him, either. And he wouldn't listen or take my advice anyway so just STFU.
OK, end of rant. I think I could probably go to bed, now. *sigh*
I need a new life.
I would really like to know the answer to this question. Particularly since an unnamed company that I do business with never asks for a deposit (which I think is bad business.).
I've got two outstanding jobs that I've not been paid for because the client fell on hard times and the owners are "cutting them a break."
Peeps, we're on food stamps. Last month our rent was paid for by a federal agency that helps people find work, as was our gas/electric bill. Both of those are one-time shots, no repeats. My husband's un-employment insurance amount was cut to $53- a week, from the maximum, with no warning, just before Christmas. It has to do with federal extensions, and tiers, it's so complicated, that the judge who listened to his appeal a few weeks ago (by phone) isn't sure what the correct answer is, and needs to "research it." Really.
We're struggling here. I get it. But at the time the people hired the company I'm contracted with for services, they had or thought they had the money, so why not ask for a deposit up front? I could really use $176- (for one project), and I-don't-know-how-much for the second because no one can tell me how much I should be getting paid for what I did (we have a spread sheet for payments, but this particular project is not listed on the spreadsheet). I've asked several times and never gotten an answer other than "don't worry, you'll be paid." Except, that I haven't. *ahem*
I really enjoy what I do. I love working from home. I work with nice people. They're making a name for themselves in the industry. But. Their business model is shit. I wish I could just walk away--"call me when you get the business side of your business figured out. K. Thanks." I really do.
Honestly, tell me the truth--have you ever heard of a business model like that? If the client doesn't pay, fuck you to the person who did all the work? I understand that can happen when you freelance, but when I'm contracted through a second party corporation? I don't get it.
My husband's un-employment insurance payments are "supposed"--I say "supposed" with my fingers, toes, and eyes all crossed, because if there is any government agency that knows how to fuck up, it's this one--to go back up, next week. Back to the maximum. If it does, hallelujah, huzzah, we are saved! If not? Well, we'll be living in our van. With our pets. And frankly, it's so packed in here, now--we took our stuff out of storage and put it all over the house because we didn't have the $50- to pay for it--and I feel like I live at the dump. I'd like to do a Thelma and Louise and just take off (not over the edge, but, somewhere, anywhere but here. KnowhatImsayin'?
And the family member who was arrested, all they do is mope around, whine, clutch their chest, and rend their garments like the second coming of Hitler was upon us, and is not functioning that well just on a day-to-day basis. And yeah, suicide threats. (Enough, already, Jeesuz.) I only have so much patience, I'm a human being, I don't have all the answers. And the professionals? Not helping him, either. And he wouldn't listen or take my advice anyway so just STFU.
OK, end of rant. I think I could probably go to bed, now. *sigh*
I need a new life.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Facing Fear
I am a fearful person. Always have been. I just told a dentist the other day that "it's my normal state. If I were a dog, I'd be a Chiahuahua." She smiled, but I don't think she got the joke.
I'm working on a BIG project. So big, that it was given to me and taken away twice, with it ultimately landing in my lap. I've signed a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't talk about it or even hint, but it has the potential to be HUGE. And I'm freaked out. Because I now and always have believed that I'm not good enough.
And once this thing is "out there", people will know that I'm not good enough. And I can't bear that.
So I'm writing it out. What am I afraid of?
--looking stupid
--fucking up (which I've already done once on this project, moderately)
--Never working in this biz again.
--looking stupid or ridiculous
OK. I think I've nailed that down. I'm immobilized from starting because I'm afraid I'll look stupid.
Am I capable? Yes.
Have I already completed work on this project? Yes.
Do I have the reference materials I need to check that I'm on the right track? Yes.
Is my computer and internet connection working? Yes.
Well, it seems everything is in place. I just need to, well, do it.
Anxiety sucks.
I'm working on a BIG project. So big, that it was given to me and taken away twice, with it ultimately landing in my lap. I've signed a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't talk about it or even hint, but it has the potential to be HUGE. And I'm freaked out. Because I now and always have believed that I'm not good enough.
And once this thing is "out there", people will know that I'm not good enough. And I can't bear that.
So I'm writing it out. What am I afraid of?
--looking stupid
--fucking up (which I've already done once on this project, moderately)
--Never working in this biz again.
--looking stupid or ridiculous
OK. I think I've nailed that down. I'm immobilized from starting because I'm afraid I'll look stupid.
Am I capable? Yes.
Have I already completed work on this project? Yes.
Do I have the reference materials I need to check that I'm on the right track? Yes.
Is my computer and internet connection working? Yes.
Well, it seems everything is in place. I just need to, well, do it.
Anxiety sucks.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Stress? Are You Kidding?
I've been juggling gigs like a mutherfucker. Yesterday I had...
* Set up and prepare spreadsheets and work charts for big book project
* Live work doing research for my GF from college from noon to 7pm
* Correspond with an author whose book I econverted and published last month and needs corrections on some typos (she didn't hire me for editing last time, so I don't point them out if I ain't getting paid.), and re-convert and publish (I could probably do that today.)
* From 9pm to 11pm finish editing my friend's novel...on paper. That's what she wanted. I will write a short summary of my thoughts, ideas, and changes, and mail it back to her today.
* And finally, an author whose print book was sent to her in December to proof, for the second time--proofing = looking for errors--returned it to me recently chock full of changes. Chock. Full. Uh....it's a significant amount of work, especially because the book has already been laid out in InDesign (not by me, TG). So the owner is going to tell the author, "we can make these changes, but you're looking at a significant amount of work that will cost $XYZ-. And this author is behind on their payments. Ahem.
And to top everything off, a member of my family did something REALLY stupid; was arrested in another state and held there overnight; the local police showed up at my house that same night and conducted a search. I gave permission because I had nothing to hide and did not know of the arrest until they came to the door, but still, they were here 90 minutes. They didn't toss the place, but they did look. I keep finding things that have been moved, opened, or changed, like my Vick's vapor rub. Huh. And then same idiot who got in trouble has been suicidal, so I had to take them to mental health last week, which was an all day affair; also? Idiot needs an attorney, so trying to scrape up $5k. So yeah, some stress.
Fuck me.
* Set up and prepare spreadsheets and work charts for big book project
* Live work doing research for my GF from college from noon to 7pm
* Correspond with an author whose book I econverted and published last month and needs corrections on some typos (she didn't hire me for editing last time, so I don't point them out if I ain't getting paid.), and re-convert and publish (I could probably do that today.)
* From 9pm to 11pm finish editing my friend's novel...on paper. That's what she wanted. I will write a short summary of my thoughts, ideas, and changes, and mail it back to her today.
* And finally, an author whose print book was sent to her in December to proof, for the second time--proofing = looking for errors--returned it to me recently chock full of changes. Chock. Full. Uh....it's a significant amount of work, especially because the book has already been laid out in InDesign (not by me, TG). So the owner is going to tell the author, "we can make these changes, but you're looking at a significant amount of work that will cost $XYZ-. And this author is behind on their payments. Ahem.
And to top everything off, a member of my family did something REALLY stupid; was arrested in another state and held there overnight; the local police showed up at my house that same night and conducted a search. I gave permission because I had nothing to hide and did not know of the arrest until they came to the door, but still, they were here 90 minutes. They didn't toss the place, but they did look. I keep finding things that have been moved, opened, or changed, like my Vick's vapor rub. Huh. And then same idiot who got in trouble has been suicidal, so I had to take them to mental health last week, which was an all day affair; also? Idiot needs an attorney, so trying to scrape up $5k. So yeah, some stress.
Fuck me.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
OMG, So Busy
Honestly, I haven't been this busy since I worked in a cubicle farm, honest-to-goodness. I didn't know if I could cope with or handle the amount of work that was thrown to me in the last week. That answer is: Yes, Yes I Can.
I have a regularly scheduled gig for Sun - Thurs starting at 8:30am. You know how much I love mornings. (groan). But it's paying some bills. The work is interesting, but I now need to work on not being distracted by shiny objects and start picking up some speed, as the owner gives the client and estimate and we need to stay on budget.
An author friend hired me and sent a down payment on a book she wants me to edit for her. This will be the third book I've done for her. Her books are usually mysteries, and her writing is not bad.
And then out of nowhere on Thursday, a company I'm contracted to called and asked me to ghostwrite a project--the book needs to be double it's current length so that when it's printed it will have a spine (and be distributed in book stores). It's non-fiction, but very appropriate for the times--it's about mortgages.
I was asked to submit one test chapter that I had lengthened by bullet points, graphs, charts, graphics, and a little writing. I just submitted the chapter to my boss for review tomorrow. *fingerscrossed*
I hope I get the project--it would be a four-figure project. :-) I hope my body can take it.
I have a regularly scheduled gig for Sun - Thurs starting at 8:30am. You know how much I love mornings. (groan). But it's paying some bills. The work is interesting, but I now need to work on not being distracted by shiny objects and start picking up some speed, as the owner gives the client and estimate and we need to stay on budget.
An author friend hired me and sent a down payment on a book she wants me to edit for her. This will be the third book I've done for her. Her books are usually mysteries, and her writing is not bad.
And then out of nowhere on Thursday, a company I'm contracted to called and asked me to ghostwrite a project--the book needs to be double it's current length so that when it's printed it will have a spine (and be distributed in book stores). It's non-fiction, but very appropriate for the times--it's about mortgages.
I was asked to submit one test chapter that I had lengthened by bullet points, graphs, charts, graphics, and a little writing. I just submitted the chapter to my boss for review tomorrow. *fingerscrossed*
I hope I get the project--it would be a four-figure project. :-) I hope my body can take it.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Slammed
Holy shit have I been busy this week!! Damn! I have the research gig I'm doing with my college friend--that has regular hours 9am to whenever we finish--I didn't work Tues or Wed last week at all--a friend sent me a book to edit, and a small press I work for offered me a ghostwriting gig.
I don't know when I'm going to have time to do it all, but I'm going to try the best I can.
Now, I need to go to bed. I'll update when I can.
I don't know when I'm going to have time to do it all, but I'm going to try the best I can.
Now, I need to go to bed. I'll update when I can.
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