Stupid Stupid Stupid

I'm so upset--at myself--that I'm trembling.

I fucked up in a major way today. I think I've managed to pick up the pieces, but it remains to be seen. I'm too embarrassed to say what I did, here. It's that fucking stupid and bad.

One other stupid thing I did was lose the contract my boss gave my on Friday. I'm pretty sure my husband accidentally threw it away, took the kitchen trash to the bin, and the waste haulers came at 5am today.

My boss emailed over a new contract to me and was, again, very understanding. I feel like I don't deserve her kindness. I've sent it to three people for review and opinions, but it looks pretty straightforward to me. But what do I know.

I think a little hard liquor is called for in this situation. Fuck.

Sunny Skies

I had lunch with my boss/friend today. It was a four-hour lunch. We get along so well, we have so much in common, and we love to talk about books we've read, books we're publishing, our authors, things that have happened in our lives---we always have a good time when we're together. She also showed me how her Kindle Fire works. Gawd I want one. (Come on, missing check!)

She also gave me the contract for her sub-contractor works, she signed it, and gave it to me in a folder. And I can't find it. I remember putting it in the car, and nothing else. I've looked in the car, and not found it. I've looked in the house and my laptop case. It's just...gone. I haven't even read it yet.

It has to be in the car. It was dark and cold while I was looking for it so it was a cursory look. I'm going to look again in the am. *fingerscrossed*

Today it was a very good day.

Flurries, Chance of Precipitation

Not really. But there was a flurry of email activity today between me and my two bosses. And my sister. I wrote my sister an email last night, along with another favorite relative, both of whom live in different states than I, and my sister turns out to be quite the savvy businesswoman. I should have asked for her advice years ago.

So the short of it is....the payment-plan paying, demanding author (texts with questions all hours of the day and night with questions....), who now wants us to do her print book, I spelled it out. I. Cannot. Work. For Free. I need to be paid when the job is over and so on. And other things. Like I said, there was a lot of back and forth.

Bottom line? Both publishers want to keep me, they love my work, I'm their "go-to gal" and I'm "good with the authors," they just didn't understand my position, and appreciate that I would like to have a contract.

I was having lunch with one of them on Monday but she said she just got the contract template for contract employees back from the attorney who was writing it for her, I can review it, and would I like to have lunch tomorrow instead of Monday? (Friday). Why yes, yes I would. And evidently $200- a month gal made a payment and it went in the mail yesterday. Good thing, because my Internet/cable/phone is passed due and they're getting rather unfriendly. *ahem*

And my husband, as usual, is not being supportive. All he can think about is the money. Yes, that's important, but so is my integrity, professionalism, and reputation. You can't buy those.

So I'm kind of excited now, and am enjoying being valued.

As for payments author...all are agreed that no more work should be done for her until she pays off her first contract. And hurray.

So what started as a shit day (not feeling well upon waking after a restless night--I know I'm not feeling well when coffee sounds disgusting), then all the back and forths....but I am pretty sure we're all on the same page, now. What a relief.

And another project......

...I am starting to create a name for myself as an editor, particularly development editing. I'm very, very, very proud of that.

And because of the good work I've done since August, my bosses are eager to keep me busy so I won't fly the coop. :-) Because I have been looking for a job, something part-time, but with a regular income.

After all the emails back and forth with my boss/friend about the payment for work I finished in December that hasn't arrived, I think the light went on for them that not getting paid does not work for me as a business model.

So I don't know much about the new project except that it's an already published author, and apparently all she needs is e-format conversation. Well, at least what I understood from the email from the other publisher/boss/person.

In prep for development editing on book II of a YA supernatural series, I'm reading book I, which is really, really, really quite good. I plan on recommending it quite a bit once I'm done. Once I'm done, I'll have more of an idea of the author's vision for book II. (Holy crap, I'm being paid to read. Well, supposed to be getting paid. *snort* My life's dream. LOL)

I haven't checked the mail today. I'm afraid to. *disappointment* [Update midnight: No checks.}

Then the author who is on the pay-when-I-feel-like-it plan wants to do a print version of her book, and because I did the ebook, my publishers both want me to do the POD. I said I would, but that I cannot accept payments. If someone else on our team wants to do it and accept payments, then they should. I cannot. And I feel guilty about that. And I'm pissed for feeling guilty. But I'm tired of making payment arrangements for all "my" bills every month (My husband and I keep our money separately, and pay certain bills separately. It evens out, and it's better this way for us.) And he's getting frustrated carrying me since August (although I had put aside half of the rent all the way through January, and he tends to overreact *rolleyes*), I understand how he feels, because I get resentful when he can't pull his weight. I wanted a partnership in a marriage, in all ways, and so did he, and so far, in the over 5 years of our marriage, we have never both managed to work at the same time. And WTF?

So. Although the money is not beating a path to my door, the work is, I'm creating a name for myself as a good editor and decent person; I'm learning tons every day; and I'm meeting some really interesting people. That's got to count for something.

Right?

Any advice for the payments situation? This is all new to me, and I welcome advice, etc. Thanks.

Show me the money....please?

Well, I finally screwed up my courage and e-mailed my boss/friend about the check that I have been waiting for since December.

She hasn't received it.

I'm friends with the author on some Social Media sites, and he hasn't posted on either site for several weeks. He also hasn't responded to an email from me two days ago.

It's a pile of money, and we really need it. Evidently, we overspent going on a trip to Southern California to visit relatives for the holidays. *shrug* Evidently, my husband wasn't keeping track of his money.

But that's neither here nor there, the reality is, I expect to be paid for my work. And it was a lot of work. Hyperlinking the table of contents took over 4 hours, alone. (Over 100 chapters.) And mama has bills to pay. Where is the check? Where is the author? My boss says in 15 years she's only had one client not pay and then she sued and garnished his wages. This author isn't even in the US. Ugh. I want to throw a tantrum like a little kid, stamp my feet, roll on the floor, flail my arms and legs while I sob...I....want....my.....mo...on....ney...!!!! WAAAAH! *sigh*

Hopefully my new project won't take as long--I already send the edits back to the author for review and corrections--I hope to get it back this week for proofreading, then I need to fix some photos, lay it out for print, get a proof, and then e-format for e-reader publication then invoice. But today? Today I'm just going through a manuscript that is having issues being accepted by a particular e-book e-tailer (every book with them is a pain in the ass, honestly, you'd think it's rocket science), so I'm just going through the formatting taking out anything problematic. It's over 500 pages, so it will take a while.

Otherwise I ran errands, played with cats, read some magazines that came in the mail, and not a lot else. I was a slug, mostly, today. Some days are like that.

And I was hoping for snow today, but zip. Nada. No snow. Indeed, it's actually warmed up. Weird.

New Project

I've taken on a new project this week, something new and different for me that I haven't done since I edited a manuscript on the life of a salmon for a class in college. It's non-fiction, medical/science based, and will be in the APA style, which is the style with which I am least familiar. Fortunately it is a small book, about 100 pages, and the topic is one I find interesting, and the woman who wrote it is very sweet--we've spoken by phone--and I'm happy to put this together for her.

It's nice to have income always coming in just over the horizon.

I'm still getting the $200- monthly payments from the first book; it doesn't come with any regularity, it just shows up...whenever. *rolleyes*

The book I finished in December I haven't been paid for. Every day, I slog out to the mail box, hoping for a check, and every day it isn't there. I quit going every day, now I go every other day or every third day. It's too depressing. It wouldn't be so bad if my husband weren't riding my ass because he's covering all the bills (like *I* never did that for him. *snort*), and I have no money of my own to pay my bills or go or do anything that I'd like, within reason. It's depressing. I hope to eventually have enough work that money will constantly be coming in from finished projects, but I'm not there yet. We had a phone conference this morning and there is work coming, a lot of work, any day, I hope I can wait it out. It's not like there are any *real* jobs here (I mean that pay more than $25K a year). Most of the upper management/professional positions seem to be people who transferred here with their company from another state. Considering that this state does not value education and the rate of high school drop outs is high, I'm not surprised by large organizations' hesitation to hire professionals who are locals.

Well, time to go wait for the mail man some more. *sigh*

Carving Out a Life

I always thought that to accomplish something, to learn or make a living, that it should be hard and painful and I should hate it. When I graduated from high school, I wanted to do the whole take a year off and backpack through Europe thing--even though I didn't have a clue how to do that--but my parents insisted that I go to community college so I could stay on the health insurance. I really wasn't sure what that was all about, but assumed it had something to do with the braces I still had on my teeth. (I was 17 when I graduated).

My father took us on a road trip--I don't remember where we were going or who was with us except he and my step-mother--but it was the summer before college and I was going through the catalog and class schedule for my first year at community college as I rode along in the back of the van. And I remember trying to make sure that I had classes every day of the week, because I didn't want my dad to think I was slacking, even though that's what I really wanted to do.

I didn't have a car, hell I didn't have a driver's license until I was twenty, so I would be taking the bus to college--two buses in fact. I also got a job at the May Co, which was a high end department store before they went bust a few years ago. Think of a sort of Macy's West. I worked there four years.

At any rate, by the end of October, I'd had it with school. I was bored, tired, angry, frustrated, and rebelling like a mutherfucker, so I just quit going. My step-brother, who had moved back home at twenty-six so he could finish college, asked me one day if I was taking the day off or if I was done with school. I told him I was done, never thinking that he'd report this directly to my parents. It wasn't a good time.

But all my life, I've taken jobs because I thought I was supposed to, that my dreams were foolish, and work should be shitty, aggravating, and hard. And I also never felt really qualified to do anything other than be a busy little bee in the hive.

And then college. First, I graduated from communicty college. I worked full time most of the way through, and it took me four years, but I got that AA, something I had long considered unattainable. That I was not good enough and that I didn't deserve it. Fallout of being an ADHD child who was passed among family members like a used Kleenex--if my parents didn't want me? Who the hell would? That was the lesson I learned--never good enough.

Then my counselor at the JC I graduated from suggested I apply to USC. She said I would be surprised what they could do for me financially. I thought she was crazy, but I did, I applied. I also applied to Cal-State LA and UCLA, the other local colleges. I was living in Pasadena, CA at the time.

UCLA rejected me but I was accepted to UC Riverside. Great if I wanted to live in heat and smog. Ugh. My life and job were in Pasadena even if I didn't already hate the Inland Empire. (I found out later that UCLA only took 10% of transfer students--2,000 out of 20,000 applicants. That took some of the sting away). But USC did accept me (they accepted 29% of all applicants). And they threw a pile of money at me in the form of grants. So I went. For two years. Then my life imploded and my depression increased and I got to the point where I didn't want to leave the house.

A few years later, head more firmly screwed on, goals clearer, I transferred to Chico State in Northern California. They had an editing certificate program. I had long loved editing, doing papers and resumes for friends over the years, but never thought about making a living doing it. With support from my boyfriend / husband, I discovered I loved school, loved editing a lot, and that there was a possibility I could make a career out of doing something I loved. What an exciting concept.

I graduated in 2008, and the economy went to shit shortly thereafter. There weren't any jobs for love or money. Not even shitty, soul-stealing, cubicle jobs. And my dream of working publishing got ill, then went to ICU, then died completely.

Until a chance meeting with a woman who had just started a publishing company with a friend. We traded cards, had a few meetings, and in August, I was offered a position as a project manager and editor. I just completed my fourth book for them, a high-tech science fiction novel. The author lives in New Zealand, so all of our interactions were done via email.

His book was fantastic--the story was there, it had good bones, it just needed to be fleshed out. And that's what I did. It's published now, and this is part of the email I received back from him in response to my email that his book was availabale for sale:

 Thanks so much for all the work on this. The book is so much 
stronger from your insightful, fantastic help...ps: did I mention 
you're brilliant?...I love the work you did on the novel. 
Just wanted to mention it again.

I'm doing what I love, and I'm getting paid for it. I work at home in my pajamas. And I can live off of that compliment for, well, the next year (with a nod to Mark Twain). I hope it lasts. *happiness*