This weekend was difficult. We're completely broke, we had no money to do anything, or even go anywhere, because we had no gas to put in the car. So I sat in front of my computer and later my Kindle as I sat through a blizzard of The Walking Dead episodes. I watched two season in 2 1/2 days. Season 3 is not free, so I'll have to wait to see that.
And as I sat here, like a prisoner waiting for their release date, memories came flooding back to me. Bad memories. Things I'd forgotten about, intentionally. And I cried more than once. My life has had a lot of bad times, scary times, things have happened based on stupidity, dumb luck, cruelty, and often just the randomness of the universe. And I am a very emotional person. Things bother me and hurt me that don't bother or hurt the average person. I spend a lot of my time being angry because that keeps the hurt away, locked up, closed down. Anger keeps me from completely collapsing.
This is no way to live. I started planning my death. There's a lot of things to think about if you are going to check out. Family. Friends. Pets. Wills. Who finds the body? Would I rot and smell? I hear most bodies evacuate themselves (think orifices) when the body dies. That sounds kind of disgusting. Then death arrangements. I want to be cremated. I absolutely do not want to be embalmed, put in a box, and buried. No. Absolutely not. There's a lot of things to think about if you're going to die.
I'd like to see Christmas one more time. This last one sucked so badly that I'm trying to block that memory out. I'd like to have a real Christmas--gifts, baking, lights, ornaments, visiting family and friends (if I had any). Maybe that's a dream, too.
I'm a miserable sad person, and it's getting harder and harder for me to give a shit about anything.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, I Totally Lost My Shit
My husband is...difficult. He is on the autism spectrum. Knowing that does not make it any easier to interact with him. Last Friday I completely lost my mind I was so frustrated with him. I was so angry and pushed so far, one more time, that I could have put my fist through the car window, but I didn't.
This is how it went down. I sent him a link to a house I wanted to look at to consider renting. As I walked by the dining room, I see a picture of the house I wanted him to look at on his computer screen. The next day, while on the way to what I think is the house in the link I sent, it turns out He never even opened the link.
While we're tooling down the freeway through the mountains on my way to a doctor appointment, I ask my husband about where we're going after that.
"So do you know how to get to that house on X Street?"
"What house on X Street?"
"I sent you the link."
"I couldn't find it."
"What do you mean? Was the link broken?"
"I thought I could find it on Craigslist."
"That's why I sent you the link."
"Well, I thought I could find it. It wasn't under ABC city housing."
"That's because it was on JKL city housing. Why didn't you just click on the link? Wouldn't that have been easier?"
"I looked for it but I couldn't find it!"
"That's why I sent you the link."
"I thought I could find it under housing for ABC city."
"So do you not click on links I send you? Or just this one?"
"No, I thought I could find it!"
Now he's shouting at me.
"If you're going to yell at me, just pull over and let me out at the next (freeway) exit."
"I told you I couldn't find it!"
"But I sent you the link straight to it--you didn't have to search for it. I don't understand. So if you didn't look at the link, where the hell are we going, now?"
"We're going to 123 location."
"What? I don't even know where that is. You didn't mention it to me."
"Yes, I did. The blue house."
"What blue house?"
And so on until I'm ready to get out of the car and start walking. In the mountains. Which have snow on them.
Finally, screaming, I throw my travel mug of coffee at the dash and splattered us both with hot coffee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" I screamed!!! :Pull over! Let me out! I can't take it any more!! I swear to G*D, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who doesn't even speak English!! I tell you things and you ignore them or assume you know better!!!!"
"It's just a goddamn link...."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!! NO!! This is my life, every five minutes!! I have to explain and explain and explain over and over and over again!! I can't take it anymmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
And then quiet.
"I'm done. I can't live with you any longer. I can't take it."
So my marriage is falling apart. It's been falling for a while, I just haven't had the money to get away. I still don't. If I did, I would be gone, already.
He's not a bad man. He genuinely, with all his heart, loves me. And I love him. He's kind, not judgemental, interesting, and fun when we go places and do things together. But living with him is a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. But how do I get away? I have no savings, no assets, hell, I don't even have a car that runs. I'm trapped.
Lord help me.
I spent a large portion of yesterday considering if I should go to the ER and turn myself in because I was suicidal. I can't live this way anymore.
This is how it went down. I sent him a link to a house I wanted to look at to consider renting. As I walked by the dining room, I see a picture of the house I wanted him to look at on his computer screen. The next day, while on the way to what I think is the house in the link I sent, it turns out He never even opened the link.
While we're tooling down the freeway through the mountains on my way to a doctor appointment, I ask my husband about where we're going after that.
"So do you know how to get to that house on X Street?"
"What house on X Street?"
"I sent you the link."
"I couldn't find it."
"What do you mean? Was the link broken?"
"I thought I could find it on Craigslist."
"That's why I sent you the link."
"Well, I thought I could find it. It wasn't under ABC city housing."
"That's because it was on JKL city housing. Why didn't you just click on the link? Wouldn't that have been easier?"
"I looked for it but I couldn't find it!"
"That's why I sent you the link."
"I thought I could find it under housing for ABC city."
"So do you not click on links I send you? Or just this one?"
"No, I thought I could find it!"
Now he's shouting at me.
"If you're going to yell at me, just pull over and let me out at the next (freeway) exit."
"I told you I couldn't find it!"
"But I sent you the link straight to it--you didn't have to search for it. I don't understand. So if you didn't look at the link, where the hell are we going, now?"
"We're going to 123 location."
"What? I don't even know where that is. You didn't mention it to me."
"Yes, I did. The blue house."
"What blue house?"
And so on until I'm ready to get out of the car and start walking. In the mountains. Which have snow on them.
Finally, screaming, I throw my travel mug of coffee at the dash and splattered us both with hot coffee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" I screamed!!! :Pull over! Let me out! I can't take it any more!! I swear to G*D, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who doesn't even speak English!! I tell you things and you ignore them or assume you know better!!!!"
"It's just a goddamn link...."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!! NO!! This is my life, every five minutes!! I have to explain and explain and explain over and over and over again!! I can't take it anymmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
And then quiet.
"I'm done. I can't live with you any longer. I can't take it."
So my marriage is falling apart. It's been falling for a while, I just haven't had the money to get away. I still don't. If I did, I would be gone, already.
He's not a bad man. He genuinely, with all his heart, loves me. And I love him. He's kind, not judgemental, interesting, and fun when we go places and do things together. But living with him is a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. But how do I get away? I have no savings, no assets, hell, I don't even have a car that runs. I'm trapped.
Lord help me.
I spent a large portion of yesterday considering if I should go to the ER and turn myself in because I was suicidal. I can't live this way anymore.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Freelancing: Up- and Down-sides
I've been freelancing, basically, doing different things, since about 2008. It does have its up sides, clearly, or I wouldn't be doing it. So I want to just go over a few things before I get to my main bellyache today. Bear with me.
So on the up side, I can:
--Make my own schedule (for the most part, but varies by client)
--Work from home
--Work in my pajamas
--Few to no phone calls (I hate talking on the phone. Hate.)
--No wasted time or expenses driving to work (or on wardrobe, either.)
--The only person I answer to is the client (and my conscience)
But the downsides? I didn't think getting screwed by a "friend" was one of them. But first, let me list the down sides:
--Work from home on your own schedule. If you're not self-motivating, this won't work for you. It took me about a year to really get it down, and that involved making lists and using Outlook calender for reminders.
--Solitude--no interaction with others. Even a loner like me still likes to hang out once in a while with others.
--No steady paycheck or benefits like paid holidays or health insurance
--You're "always" at work if you're reachable by phone, email, or text. I've answered client questions while sitting in the doctor's office.
So those are the big ones. So I've bellyached on here before about not getting paid promptly by one of my clients. I'm not going to revisit that subject again.
But today I was gobsmacked by the reaction of a friend who I did some work for recently. I've worked on projects for her before, but this was the first one that was of this size. I made things easy for her. I said she could make payments, and I would charge her a flat fee no matter how long it took me to edit her manuscript, printed out on paper and marked up with pencil--her choice.
She said she would mail it to me at the beginning of November, then the end of November, and then well, she wasn't sure. I had lots of time in November and December, notsomuch in January when she decided to send it to me.
About ten days after I'd received it--and when I was slammed with work--she wanted to know if she could have it by the weekend because she wanted to submit it to a publisher and they had a deadline. I told her there was no way I could get it done by then--reminding her that I had time in Nov and Dec, but that January was exceptionally busy and that we'd talked about that--so I also told her if she needed it back that quickly, I would go ahead and refund her deposit ($100-), and mail back the ms. She demurred and I got the manuscript to her by the following weekend.
So I said as long as she paid me something every month, we were good. Well, yesterday I was sitting here, and I realized it had been a while since she'd sent a payment. So I checked my PayPal account, and I was right; it was over a month. So I sent her a friendly e-mail, how's it going, how is the book going? When will you publish? Yada yada, and oh yeah, by the way, do you think you could let me know when I might expect the next payment?
Holy cow! Fireworks and brimstone!! She chewed my butt, but good! "...I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm having trouble making my bils...property taxes are coming due...tax refund....blahdy blah."
Wow. I did not expect that. But here's what she doesn't get: If she couldn't afford me, she shouldn't have hired me. Also, if her boss told her, "well, Jane (not her name), the balloon payment on the building you work in is due this month, so we'll need to delay payroll until after we do our taxes...." How well do you think she might have been understanding or forgiving? None, right? Well, this is my job. This is what I do. And when my clients can't pay me? I can't pay my bills either. *fume*
I wrote her back and told her, but in much nicer and more courteous terms, "Yeah, I get it," basically, because I do, but that is not the point. Because she's my friend, she thinks she can push me to the end of the line, that I matter less than her other bills. And yes, I understand that when you're trying to pay a $1000 bill budget with only $800 in the bank, sometimes some juggling and creative financing has to take place. Hell, if we didn't have a nice landlady, we'd be living in our car, seriously. She's working with us on catching up on back rent. Thank Gawd!
But seriously I expect this kind of behavior from corporations or other non-human entities--it's not personal, it's business--but from my friend? I admit to being surprised. But here's the deal, now: I won't work on another project for her. Period. Done. I will never have time or be available for her, so she'll have to go somewhere else and pay retail. And all because she couldn't play nice. That's too bad. Perhaps if she'd been a little more proactive, or apologetic, or friendlier, something, I wouldn't be having this bitch session. KnowhatImsayin'?
So on the up side, I can:
--Make my own schedule (for the most part, but varies by client)
--Work from home
--Work in my pajamas
--Few to no phone calls (I hate talking on the phone. Hate.)
--No wasted time or expenses driving to work (or on wardrobe, either.)
--The only person I answer to is the client (and my conscience)
But the downsides? I didn't think getting screwed by a "friend" was one of them. But first, let me list the down sides:
--Work from home on your own schedule. If you're not self-motivating, this won't work for you. It took me about a year to really get it down, and that involved making lists and using Outlook calender for reminders.
--Solitude--no interaction with others. Even a loner like me still likes to hang out once in a while with others.
--No steady paycheck or benefits like paid holidays or health insurance
--You're "always" at work if you're reachable by phone, email, or text. I've answered client questions while sitting in the doctor's office.
So those are the big ones. So I've bellyached on here before about not getting paid promptly by one of my clients. I'm not going to revisit that subject again.
But today I was gobsmacked by the reaction of a friend who I did some work for recently. I've worked on projects for her before, but this was the first one that was of this size. I made things easy for her. I said she could make payments, and I would charge her a flat fee no matter how long it took me to edit her manuscript, printed out on paper and marked up with pencil--her choice.
She said she would mail it to me at the beginning of November, then the end of November, and then well, she wasn't sure. I had lots of time in November and December, notsomuch in January when she decided to send it to me.
About ten days after I'd received it--and when I was slammed with work--she wanted to know if she could have it by the weekend because she wanted to submit it to a publisher and they had a deadline. I told her there was no way I could get it done by then--reminding her that I had time in Nov and Dec, but that January was exceptionally busy and that we'd talked about that--so I also told her if she needed it back that quickly, I would go ahead and refund her deposit ($100-), and mail back the ms. She demurred and I got the manuscript to her by the following weekend.
So I said as long as she paid me something every month, we were good. Well, yesterday I was sitting here, and I realized it had been a while since she'd sent a payment. So I checked my PayPal account, and I was right; it was over a month. So I sent her a friendly e-mail, how's it going, how is the book going? When will you publish? Yada yada, and oh yeah, by the way, do you think you could let me know when I might expect the next payment?
Holy cow! Fireworks and brimstone!! She chewed my butt, but good! "...I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm having trouble making my bils...property taxes are coming due...tax refund....blahdy blah."
Wow. I did not expect that. But here's what she doesn't get: If she couldn't afford me, she shouldn't have hired me. Also, if her boss told her, "well, Jane (not her name), the balloon payment on the building you work in is due this month, so we'll need to delay payroll until after we do our taxes...." How well do you think she might have been understanding or forgiving? None, right? Well, this is my job. This is what I do. And when my clients can't pay me? I can't pay my bills either. *fume*
I wrote her back and told her, but in much nicer and more courteous terms, "Yeah, I get it," basically, because I do, but that is not the point. Because she's my friend, she thinks she can push me to the end of the line, that I matter less than her other bills. And yes, I understand that when you're trying to pay a $1000 bill budget with only $800 in the bank, sometimes some juggling and creative financing has to take place. Hell, if we didn't have a nice landlady, we'd be living in our car, seriously. She's working with us on catching up on back rent. Thank Gawd!
But seriously I expect this kind of behavior from corporations or other non-human entities--it's not personal, it's business--but from my friend? I admit to being surprised. But here's the deal, now: I won't work on another project for her. Period. Done. I will never have time or be available for her, so she'll have to go somewhere else and pay retail. And all because she couldn't play nice. That's too bad. Perhaps if she'd been a little more proactive, or apologetic, or friendlier, something, I wouldn't be having this bitch session. KnowhatImsayin'?
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Same Shit, Different Day
Question: If you're hired by a company to do a job, and the client does not pay their invoice, should the contracted person who did all the work be paid by the company? Or does the company wait until the client pays for work done?
I would really like to know the answer to this question. Particularly since an unnamed company that I do business with never asks for a deposit (which I think is bad business.).
I've got two outstanding jobs that I've not been paid for because the client fell on hard times and the owners are "cutting them a break."
Peeps, we're on food stamps. Last month our rent was paid for by a federal agency that helps people find work, as was our gas/electric bill. Both of those are one-time shots, no repeats. My husband's un-employment insurance amount was cut to $53- a week, from the maximum, with no warning, just before Christmas. It has to do with federal extensions, and tiers, it's so complicated, that the judge who listened to his appeal a few weeks ago (by phone) isn't sure what the correct answer is, and needs to "research it." Really.
We're struggling here. I get it. But at the time the people hired the company I'm contracted with for services, they had or thought they had the money, so why not ask for a deposit up front? I could really use $176- (for one project), and I-don't-know-how-much for the second because no one can tell me how much I should be getting paid for what I did (we have a spread sheet for payments, but this particular project is not listed on the spreadsheet). I've asked several times and never gotten an answer other than "don't worry, you'll be paid." Except, that I haven't. *ahem*
I really enjoy what I do. I love working from home. I work with nice people. They're making a name for themselves in the industry. But. Their business model is shit. I wish I could just walk away--"call me when you get the business side of your business figured out. K. Thanks." I really do.
Honestly, tell me the truth--have you ever heard of a business model like that? If the client doesn't pay, fuck you to the person who did all the work? I understand that can happen when you freelance, but when I'm contracted through a second party corporation? I don't get it.
My husband's un-employment insurance payments are "supposed"--I say "supposed" with my fingers, toes, and eyes all crossed, because if there is any government agency that knows how to fuck up, it's this one--to go back up, next week. Back to the maximum. If it does, hallelujah, huzzah, we are saved! If not? Well, we'll be living in our van. With our pets. And frankly, it's so packed in here, now--we took our stuff out of storage and put it all over the house because we didn't have the $50- to pay for it--and I feel like I live at the dump. I'd like to do a Thelma and Louise and just take off (not over the edge, but, somewhere, anywhere but here. KnowhatImsayin'?
And the family member who was arrested, all they do is mope around, whine, clutch their chest, and rend their garments like the second coming of Hitler was upon us, and is not functioning that well just on a day-to-day basis. And yeah, suicide threats. (Enough, already, Jeesuz.) I only have so much patience, I'm a human being, I don't have all the answers. And the professionals? Not helping him, either. And he wouldn't listen or take my advice anyway so just STFU.
OK, end of rant. I think I could probably go to bed, now. *sigh*
I need a new life.
I would really like to know the answer to this question. Particularly since an unnamed company that I do business with never asks for a deposit (which I think is bad business.).
I've got two outstanding jobs that I've not been paid for because the client fell on hard times and the owners are "cutting them a break."
Peeps, we're on food stamps. Last month our rent was paid for by a federal agency that helps people find work, as was our gas/electric bill. Both of those are one-time shots, no repeats. My husband's un-employment insurance amount was cut to $53- a week, from the maximum, with no warning, just before Christmas. It has to do with federal extensions, and tiers, it's so complicated, that the judge who listened to his appeal a few weeks ago (by phone) isn't sure what the correct answer is, and needs to "research it." Really.
We're struggling here. I get it. But at the time the people hired the company I'm contracted with for services, they had or thought they had the money, so why not ask for a deposit up front? I could really use $176- (for one project), and I-don't-know-how-much for the second because no one can tell me how much I should be getting paid for what I did (we have a spread sheet for payments, but this particular project is not listed on the spreadsheet). I've asked several times and never gotten an answer other than "don't worry, you'll be paid." Except, that I haven't. *ahem*
I really enjoy what I do. I love working from home. I work with nice people. They're making a name for themselves in the industry. But. Their business model is shit. I wish I could just walk away--"call me when you get the business side of your business figured out. K. Thanks." I really do.
Honestly, tell me the truth--have you ever heard of a business model like that? If the client doesn't pay, fuck you to the person who did all the work? I understand that can happen when you freelance, but when I'm contracted through a second party corporation? I don't get it.
My husband's un-employment insurance payments are "supposed"--I say "supposed" with my fingers, toes, and eyes all crossed, because if there is any government agency that knows how to fuck up, it's this one--to go back up, next week. Back to the maximum. If it does, hallelujah, huzzah, we are saved! If not? Well, we'll be living in our van. With our pets. And frankly, it's so packed in here, now--we took our stuff out of storage and put it all over the house because we didn't have the $50- to pay for it--and I feel like I live at the dump. I'd like to do a Thelma and Louise and just take off (not over the edge, but, somewhere, anywhere but here. KnowhatImsayin'?
And the family member who was arrested, all they do is mope around, whine, clutch their chest, and rend their garments like the second coming of Hitler was upon us, and is not functioning that well just on a day-to-day basis. And yeah, suicide threats. (Enough, already, Jeesuz.) I only have so much patience, I'm a human being, I don't have all the answers. And the professionals? Not helping him, either. And he wouldn't listen or take my advice anyway so just STFU.
OK, end of rant. I think I could probably go to bed, now. *sigh*
I need a new life.
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