I am a fearful person. Always have been. I just told a dentist the other day that "it's my normal state. If I were a dog, I'd be a Chiahuahua." She smiled, but I don't think she got the joke.
I'm working on a BIG project. So big, that it was given to me and taken away twice, with it ultimately landing in my lap. I've signed a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't talk about it or even hint, but it has the potential to be HUGE. And I'm freaked out. Because I now and always have believed that I'm not good enough.
And once this thing is "out there", people will know that I'm not good enough. And I can't bear that.
So I'm writing it out. What am I afraid of?
--looking stupid
--fucking up (which I've already done once on this project, moderately)
--Never working in this biz again.
--looking stupid or ridiculous
OK. I think I've nailed that down. I'm immobilized from starting because I'm afraid I'll look stupid.
Am I capable? Yes.
Have I already completed work on this project? Yes.
Do I have the reference materials I need to check that I'm on the right track? Yes.
Is my computer and internet connection working? Yes.
Well, it seems everything is in place. I just need to, well, do it.
Anxiety sucks.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Stress? Are You Kidding?
I've been juggling gigs like a mutherfucker. Yesterday I had...
* Set up and prepare spreadsheets and work charts for big book project
* Live work doing research for my GF from college from noon to 7pm
* Correspond with an author whose book I econverted and published last month and needs corrections on some typos (she didn't hire me for editing last time, so I don't point them out if I ain't getting paid.), and re-convert and publish (I could probably do that today.)
* From 9pm to 11pm finish editing my friend's novel...on paper. That's what she wanted. I will write a short summary of my thoughts, ideas, and changes, and mail it back to her today.
* And finally, an author whose print book was sent to her in December to proof, for the second time--proofing = looking for errors--returned it to me recently chock full of changes. Chock. Full. Uh....it's a significant amount of work, especially because the book has already been laid out in InDesign (not by me, TG). So the owner is going to tell the author, "we can make these changes, but you're looking at a significant amount of work that will cost $XYZ-. And this author is behind on their payments. Ahem.
And to top everything off, a member of my family did something REALLY stupid; was arrested in another state and held there overnight; the local police showed up at my house that same night and conducted a search. I gave permission because I had nothing to hide and did not know of the arrest until they came to the door, but still, they were here 90 minutes. They didn't toss the place, but they did look. I keep finding things that have been moved, opened, or changed, like my Vick's vapor rub. Huh. And then same idiot who got in trouble has been suicidal, so I had to take them to mental health last week, which was an all day affair; also? Idiot needs an attorney, so trying to scrape up $5k. So yeah, some stress.
Fuck me.
* Set up and prepare spreadsheets and work charts for big book project
* Live work doing research for my GF from college from noon to 7pm
* Correspond with an author whose book I econverted and published last month and needs corrections on some typos (she didn't hire me for editing last time, so I don't point them out if I ain't getting paid.), and re-convert and publish (I could probably do that today.)
* From 9pm to 11pm finish editing my friend's novel...on paper. That's what she wanted. I will write a short summary of my thoughts, ideas, and changes, and mail it back to her today.
* And finally, an author whose print book was sent to her in December to proof, for the second time--proofing = looking for errors--returned it to me recently chock full of changes. Chock. Full. Uh....it's a significant amount of work, especially because the book has already been laid out in InDesign (not by me, TG). So the owner is going to tell the author, "we can make these changes, but you're looking at a significant amount of work that will cost $XYZ-. And this author is behind on their payments. Ahem.
And to top everything off, a member of my family did something REALLY stupid; was arrested in another state and held there overnight; the local police showed up at my house that same night and conducted a search. I gave permission because I had nothing to hide and did not know of the arrest until they came to the door, but still, they were here 90 minutes. They didn't toss the place, but they did look. I keep finding things that have been moved, opened, or changed, like my Vick's vapor rub. Huh. And then same idiot who got in trouble has been suicidal, so I had to take them to mental health last week, which was an all day affair; also? Idiot needs an attorney, so trying to scrape up $5k. So yeah, some stress.
Fuck me.
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