Rant No. 1 | My Husband is Lazy and Often a Jerk

*sigh*

After experiencing some really good months, over a year, of marriage, and being able to rely and depend on my husband in ways I never could before, in the last month or so he has devolved into idiocy, assholery, and his usual state, laziness.

My husband is on the autism spectrum. For a while I thought he had Asperger's, but now I'm not so sure. He's never been assessed, refusing to be assessed, so no one knows just where he falls on the spectrum. He is a very concrete thinker, and because of this, does some weird things sometimes. Things that don't make sense. Recently, as his folks' house over Thanksgiving, he started a fire on a piece of furniture.

His mother asked him to light all the candles in the living room and dining room, and which he did.

As we were waiting for dinner, having coffee or, in my case, champagne, his brother suddenly noticed that the hutch of a dish cabinet was on fire. There was a pair of candles on either side of a mantle clock on the center shelf of the wood hutch. Instead of moving them forward, away from the shelf which partially covered the middle shelf, he lit them and walked away. Within 20 minutes, they had caught the top shelf on fire in both places. Fortunately his brother caught it--flames were shooting out from the middle shelf--got it put out, and put water on it to stop the smoldering.

*ugh*

Lack of common sense? It seems like it, but the reality is, he had been told to light the candles, nothing more. So he did that, and nothing more. That's how his brain works and it's SO frustrating.

About a month ago, a local store had organic free-range chickens, whole chickens, on sale: Buy one get one free. We went over that night and got two--the last two--and some other groceries. We were carrying them and I realized one of the chickens was leaking all over. I didn't want to bring it in the house dripping (salmonella) all over, so I set it down, and asked my husband who was walking past me into the house to get me a fresh bag from under the sink so I could carry it in.

Instead of one of the grocery bags under the sink, he brought me, where I waited in the front yard, a 13 gallon kitchen trash bag. "No!" I said, frustrated. "Just a grocery bag."

"Well, you didn't say grocery bag."

I kept my mouth quiet and came into the house sans dripping chicken to get a bag. I gave him the smaller grocery bag and asked him if he would go retrieve the chicken and bring it in the house while I put the groceries away (something he has trouble doing. He puts things wherever and I can never find them.)

"Where is the chicken?" he asked, despite having walked by me initially and bringing me a trash bag out front.

"By the front door!" I said, exasperated. I then watched in frustrated anger as he went out of the kitchen, into the family room, and out the sliding back door.

"Not that door!" I yelled. "The front door."

"Well, you didn't specify!"

"Why did I have to? You walked by me as I put the chicken on the grass in the front yard, and then brought me a trash bag to the same spot!"

"But you didn't say. I went to the closest door."

"Did you see either me or a chicken at that door?"

"But you didn't specify. You have to be specific with me!"

I yelled back (he was yelling), "I didn't think I had to. You walked by me and the chicken on the front lawn, then brought me a trash bag. Did you at any point see me or the chicken enter or exit the back door?"

"That's not the point, you didn't specify..." and he just continued to argue with me. By this time, I was ready to smother him with a pillow. But I resisted.

To your average person, it would seem like a lack of common sense, and maybe it is, but unless you give him explicit instructions, he'll fuck it up every time.

Him: Where's the dishsoap?

Me: Under the kitchen sink, left side by the sponges, it's pink.

I can't just say "under the sink." He'll start with the closest sink and tell me he can't find it. It's EXHAUSTING.

He's also lazy as hell. I don't think he'd pick up his own dick if it fell on the floor. He won't pick up anything. it doesn't matter how it fell, how it got there, who did it, whatever, he just steps over it an keeps going. It's especially frustrating for me because I have severe back problems and bending over is always painful and lasting.

I've spent most of our marriage wanting to run away, get away. For a long time I thought it was me, my pathological need to run at any problem, but I think I may be wrong. I think it might be my subconscious trying to tell me that I made a huge mistake. I'm still not sure.

We went to his parents for Thanksgiving, and on the long drive home I got thirsty. We were looking for somewhere to have dinner and the areas were unfamiliar to us, and he refused to buy me a $2.00 soda because he "didn't want to buy two drinks." What he meant was a drink now and then a drink wherever we have dinner.

This the guy who steals soda from help-yourself fountains--he pays for a cup, fills it, takes it out to the car and gets his second, empty cup from that location (the car is full of plastic, over-sized fast food cups *UGH*), and fills it up with soda. He'll also stop at that particular fast food place, at another location, and refill that cup without paying. He cannot go anywhere without a big cup of soda in his hand--the store, the doctor, the car, anywhere. If he goes more than five minutes without a drink, he gets crazy. But when I was thirsty and wanted a drink? He refused to buy it for me. I didn't have $2.00 because I don't have an income. I can't believe what an asshole thing that was to do. I'm very pissed about it.

Then, on Monday, he got his check cashed and headed to the biggest city in the area, and that had a Trader Joe's, so I could get some specialty food, especially for Christmas baking, and then to a big grocery store that I like and don't have one by our home, to stock up with things I wasn't able to get. First, I needed to stop at Walmart to pick up a prescription and he needed to get a money order for the rent (landlord's request, M/O only.).

He was to get the money order and meet me at the pharmacy or vice versa, depending on who finished first. Before I even got to the pharmacy, he was behind me pinching my back. "Did you get the money order?"

"Oh, I forgot. I'll get it. I'm hungry."

"There's a grocery store in here, get something to eat."

"OK, I'll meet you back over here."

As I was finishing up in line, paying for my pills and some Christmas candles I'd picked up, he came over saying "I had a chocolate milk."

"Did you get the money order?"

"Oops. I forgot."

*fume*

"Get it now." Our rent was due on the third, the next day, and our landlady is also a teacher AND the union president. "Jane will be expecting it tomorrow." DUH. He felt and does not feel any sense of propriety or urgency regarding rent paying.

So he went over to the money center at Malwart and got into what was now a very long line. I was able to circle the entire store, shopping, looking around, wandering, and he was just at the head of the line when I got back to the front of the store. So about an hour wasted because he couldn't remember to do the one thing he'd gone there for: Get a money order.

So we left, and instead of heading to the freeway to head to the big city, he decides to take back roads that he "saw on a map" which essentially added about an hour to our trip. So we're now about two hours behind schedule. Trader Joe's closes at 9pm, and it's pushing 6pm and we're not even in the same city. My ass started to clench up.

Then he started whining about food and how he'd only had a chocolate milk. "Why didn't you get something at Mallwart?"

"I couldn't find anything."

"It's a grocery store," I said, exasperated. "How about a banana? A chocolate bar? Granola bars?" He had no answer.
Instead, he got off the freeway trying to find a restaurant we had once eaten at during our move. Couldn't find it. So he decides to drive around and see what he can see. It's after 7pm. I suggested fast food. It was payday, and by god he was going to have a decent meal, dammit!

We ended up at a sportsbar chain as he wanted wings, his favorite food, and to watch football. Did he tell me he wanted to do this? No. Because I could have left him there, gone shopping, and picked him up. No, instead he orders about $30- of wings, salad, and a drink, I ordered some jalapeno poppers for an appetizer, I had had some chili before we left (which he won't eat as it had turkey meat in it. Don't even ask.). By the time we finished, it was 8:30. by the time we got to Trader Joe's, it was 8:45. I had fifteen minutes to do a month or more of shopping. FUCK. I was SO pissed. I was so pissed I bought stuff that wasn't even on my list because I wanted HIM to pay for screwing me out of MY time; things like balsamic glaze. I then bought stuff at the big grocery store, taking my time as my husband made trip after trip after trip to the bathroom or to the soda machine. (He has irritable bowel, always exacerbated by fried foods. Doesn't keep him from eating it, tho.).

He also does no housework. he has a full time job and I don't, so fine, I'll do the housework, but he makes not even the tiniest step toward mitigating his messes--dirty dishes go on the sink or counter even if there's room in the dishwasher; dirty clothes go on the floor of "his" bedroom. We have three bedrooms, ea share one and each have a bedroom to do with as we wish. Fine, but if you want your laundry done, you need to pick it up, put it in a basket, and carry it out to the garage. Bad back, here, remember? He puts his dirty lunch dishes--lunches I make. He has to have a hot lunch--on the clean dining room table or on the floor or his folding table desk in the living room. I live with a pig. He's pushing 50. You'd think his frat boy college day slobbiness. Nope. When I go to get in bed at night, typically there are no covers for me. I've asked him to fix the covers before he gets in to make sure I have some covers, and he has no idea what that means. Last night, after I turned on the overhead light after I had turned on my four watt nightstand light so I wouldn't trip later, before a pre-bed shower, and he had turned it back off!!!, I said, "the bed is square, the blankets are square, figure it out."

If the blankets on your side are on the floor, and there are none past the center of the bed toward my side,, what do you think needs to happen? I nearly came out to the living room to sleep in a reclining chair.

I'm so frustrated and so tired and so annoyed having to constantly double guess whether or not he understands and/or is doing what he needs to do. Saying he's difficult or a challenge, is like saying driving without your glasses is challenging. It's almost impossible.

I don't know if I want to be married anymore. To anyone. If I had the money, I'd take off for a few days to a hotel on the beach, that's for damn sure. I almost did last night when I saw my night lamp had been turned off. Honest to goodness.

This rant has worn me out. Rant II will have to wait for another day.